The Psychology of Pain within relationships
Pain is a source of personal bonding between human beings. This may be counter intuitive to most, but let’s take a deep look at the effects of physical and emotional pain on a relationship.
Firstly we must state that there is a range of responses that can occur. In general terms, the average feminine, or submissive roll player is on one side of this range. The general masculine gender roll player is on the other side. The major difference between the two sides is that the feminine side appreciates pain inflicted by the other party, and the masculine side better appreciates mutual shared pain that is normally brought by an outside source.
The feminine side can endure more pain brought by the opposite partner within the relationship and at times feel more connected to the inflicting partner. This is why the pain of child birth is not a deterrent for mothers, but it is a catalyst to the mother/child bonding process. We may have died out as a species if we were dependent on men to endure such physical pain while giving birth. It is questionable if men would ever willingly go through the pain of child birth. The masculine side best bonds with a partner when they both endure emotional or physical pain brought from an outside force. Such as financial struggle and sacrifice to accomplish a greater goal. This is exhibited during team sports or nation/gang warfare where the team fights and struggles to overcome an adversary together.
In male-female relationships, women can arguably endure more abuse from the man relative to his ability to take pain inflicted by the woman. As a defense, she may love harder, and he may become emotional withdrawn. An example is the tolerance of cheating between women and men. This emotional pain is relatively unbearable for a man to deal with when he finds out his woman has stepped out on him. Another example, many of us may have bore witness to a situation where a woman refuses to leave an abusive man. Women who have been prematurely exposed to such abusive force often carries the ideology that doubts the love of a partner that fails to inflict some kind of pain. Read more
Ms. Rose’s granddaughter
One night I stayed at my grandmother’s friend Ms Rose’s house. My grandmother had to work late and was to pick me up late that night. I was 15. Ms Rose had her 7 or 8 year old granddaughter over too. Ms Rose had left me and the little girl in the living room to watch TV. I was lying on the floor in front of the TV. The little girl came over to me and sat down beside me and started to unbuckle my pants.
WTF… I was shocked. Read more
Unlucky number 8 – A story of deadly abuse
I recently learned that my father and mother met a week after Christmas. This means about January 1988. I was born premature on August 31, 1988. I have a gut feeling that I was conceived on a first date romp. My mother and father were never married. My mother married when I was 8 years old. My stepfather and I never got along. I hated him from day one for no apparent reason, he just seemed like a bad guy. I always talked back to him and he would tell my mother to punish me. When she would listen to him and punish me I’d get mad at him. When she refused, they’d be upset with each other. I wished that if he’d stay out of it and not question my moms parenting ability, we’d be better off. I know that my mom and I would have had a much better relationship without him around.
Even though my real father and my mom never really were in a committed relationship, he and I always had a great relationship. I was a bit of a daddy’s girl. My dad was a rolling stone like the song and he stayed in the streets. Even though I knew at a young age my father really wasn’t good for the family life, he was still my father. Given our undying love and my hatred of my stepfather, I wanted my mother and father to be together. But that was not going to happen.
Well after years of tensed moments my stepfather, one night I was asleep and my mother was out with her friends on a ladies night. He came into my room, woke me ranting about my cleanliness and made me clean my room. After that he said I was dirty and pushed me in the bathroom and made me take a shower. He did not leave the room, he just stood there and watched me the entire time. The way he looked at me was like I was his wife. It was disgusting and I cried the entire time from embarrassment. At the time of the shower I didn’t think he would take it any further but he did. He took it all the way and of course at the age of 13 he stole my virginity from me. Read more
Signs of Dysfunction
Mr. Harris I’m sure you’ve heard my story told over and over by African American Women. The naive girl believes that one day the bad boy, alcoholic, womanizer, abuser (mentally & physically) will change if she continues to be patient, pray and make changes to her appearance and or character. Thus the honeymoon period begins, the gifts and the apologizes, the promises, the brain washing if only you would have… you make me do this to you… I do it because I love you and can’t stand another man to look at you. And the ever famous, I don’t want another man to raise my children. I have allowed two really good men to slip through my grasp due to not ending the last relationship in my mind and heart. Here I am twenty plus years and three children later throwing out the rubbish, unloading my bags, and cleaning up my house for when that guest shows up.
Mr. Harris indeed the issues you bring up need to be addressed in our community. I, like most African Americans, come from a dysfunctional home Read more
Roses Are Red – Add your own poem
Roses are red and Violets are blue
This may be common but what does it mean to you
To break it down it is to appreciate the simple things
Beauty of life’s vibrant colors, sweet smells, the way birds sing
The evolution of the living to survive
The borne desire within us to strive
The love that we receive from our mother
The warmth created by being close to one another
No matter the complexities of the cards you are handed
To not enjoy the simple beauties of the world is not recommended
The intensity of the life you live
Is in direct accord to the effort you give
So live every moment with a vigorous passion
Be blessed with every bloom, sunset, and personal interaction
Some Roses are red and few Violets are blue
So take the time to notice them and to your self be true
Interlude
I see you at the mall getting your nails done. You look up and see me as I stand in the window and stare in amazement that I run into you once again. You do not acknowledge me. You act as if you don’t know me. You pay for your nail job and exit the mall. I follow you. You get in your car and glance at me in your rear view mirror as if I’m a stranger passing by. I run to my car and follow. You see me in your side mirror. All the while, no expression or acknowledgment. I wonder where you are leading me, or if you are not leading me at all.
You make a left, a right and get on the freeway and speed, I race to keep pace. I catch up and pull up beside you, you look over at me and with no expression you turn back towards the road. You exit after 6 miles. You pull into the Ritz Carlton. As you exit your car, I pass you to find a parking spot close to yours. You look at me with the same look as if I’m an insignificant stranger. I park and rush to the lobby. I see you grab a key from the front desk and jump in an elevator. I run across the huge lobby to catch the elevator doors. You watch me run towards you as you let the elevator doors close on my fingers. Read more
