I’ve received a bit of hater mail as of lately. The hater mails all seem to point to the notion that I think I’m some kind of expert, falsely perfect or that I’m saying I got all the answers. Quite contraire…I’m just as lost as everyone else. This site is just a light to help guide not only my readers, but me too. I don’t have answers to give; I just have suggestions to share. Given the fact that we all have, or have had a dark side, I’m reserving this article for those of us who have something SCANDALOUS to share. Anonymously place comments below that exhibits how scandalous you have been in the past. Change the names to protect the guilty.

So everyone should ask themselves two questions: Do I even bother with the low hanging fruit?  And even more importantly: Am I low hanging fruit myself?

Everyone should have there own definition of high and low hanging fruit. Is it determined by looks, financial stability, self-esteem, status, race or inner beauty? If you must, admit to yourself that you are shallow in how you pick your fruit. Just don’t bitch about the frequent bad outcomes of your batch of juice.

Low hanging fruit is a great way to build your confidence and practice your juice making skills, because regardless of the type of fruit, they all want to be picked and squeezed.  Many men that I know only want the fruit from the top of the tree, but rarely have the opportunity to pick one.  They continually walk by low hanging fruit as they wait.  If they are clueless on how to make a great batch of juice, it doesn’t matter if they are getting the top or low hanging fruit.   Once you amass the skill to make great juice, then you can hold out for the best ingredients.  But if you are not a great juice maker, what makes you think you deserve the best fruit? 

Women also hold out and refuse to “settle” for less.  This is usually a great thing, but the same question applies.  I know many women who have been single, are single, and to what I see, will be single for a long time because they don’t take their juice making skills into account.  So we first have to be honest with ourselves.  Secondly, we have to work on us.  And then the top fruit just may fall from the tree right into our laps.

But remember to balance one important point while picking, “substitutes create baggage” (click).

In a relationship your partner can be an adversary but not necessarily an enemy. An example of a women becoming an adversary while she tries to be supportive is when she attempts to comfort her man during a stressful time in his life. If he snaps at her or is unwelcoming to her attempts of comfort, it is because he feels that her self-interest in the matter creates more stress for him. For example:

I had a tough week at work, and on the carpool drive home my wife and I were talking about the fact that I may lose my job. She was trying to be encouraging by making positive comments. I was highly irritated and I wanted her to shut-up and stop attempting to cheer me up. Later that night I called my uncle and we began to talk about my work issues. After the conversation I realized that even though he in essence stated the exact things that my wife said in the car, I felt much better and less defensive once my uncle said those words. Why is that?  A person needs to adjust to how their partner needs support.  Sometimes just “leave me the fuck alone” will do just fine.  Just don’t let that method of coping cause another problem. 

My wife became my adversary in that situation due to the fact that my job security is directly linked to my ability to provide for my wife. Hence, my job is linked to my perceived manhood in the eye of my wife. As long as she focused on my problems, even if she was positive, I felt exposed and vulnerable.My uncle on the other hand is a third party that I am not responsible for, so his discussion presents less of a threat to my manhood.  So learning how best to comfort your partner in these stressful situations takes practice and patience. 

On the average, a woman is quite the opposite. If my wife was facing the loss of her job, she’d expect me to listen and engage in a conversation. She may appreciate my analyzing what steps she should take next, but she may be even more satisfied if I didn’t present solutions but just simply call her boss a crazy MF for even thinking about firing my baby.

Another example: My wife also wants me to stop watching sports so much and spend more time with her and the kids. She doesn’t understand that watching the Lakers enhances my life and is a coping mechanism in order to put up with the stresses of the daily grind. She doesn’t realize that nothing gets my blood pumping more, nothing gives me the sense of comradery than being a diehard Laker fan. So when she attacks me or stands in front of the TV during the playoffs and demands my attention it really pisses me off.

Many relationships have internal battles between the vice vs. the relationship. The one that is being demanded of, must objectively look at the situation from the other persons perspective. Because often times the vice is excessive or harmful, such as drinking alcohol. Yet for the demander he/she must not try to understand, but realize that vices are not relatable from the outside looking in, but they are very real. The only answer is objective consideration and compromise.

With a vice in one hand and a relationship in the other, one is forced to choose between the two. Even though neither of the options can singularly fill the void caused by the absence of the other, choices must be made. As for the pusher of the ultimatum, he or she often feels that this decision will determine their worth in the other persons life. That is an irrational mistake, understand, there is only one Kobe Bryant and there are millions of women out there.

Once your partner begins to turn into your adversary, your relationship will tend to take a nose dive.  In building a relationship two people should have open discussions on individual goals.  “Can I support her in that goal?”  If you can’t, you may become her adversary when she wants to invest relationship assets into a dream you have not bought into.  You may be thrilled with her failure or upset with her victory.   So she can’t run home and find true comfort in crying on your shoulder, or she can’t jump for joy with you in celebrating a victory. 

We all have those differences within our relationships.  You can’t possibly see eye to eye on everything.  So how do you continue to be supportive on an issue that you’re not totally behind?  It can sometimes get to the point of sabotage or resentment.  We first have to look at the real reason why we are so against our partner’s dreams.  We should be honest with ourselves and see if the root is jealousy or insecurity.  

“If she goes to college, she’ll think she’s too smart for me and start being attracted to college men.”  

“I don’t want him to open a restaurant because he’ll have power and prestige and female customers and employees will want him.”

If this is the case we rarely can face and admit it because it accentuates our flaws as people.  But that is an opportunity to truly grow as a person.  If you obtain the honest strength sit down with that person and start with:

“I love you and I want to support all that you desire.  Yet regarding your plans I have a feeling deep down that scares me.  When I think of it, my mind starts to doubt…”

By opening up with honest dialogue your relationship has the best chance of surviving.  Those conversations will allow your partner to understand your resistance, and address your concerns with a promise of devotion to the relationship.  Without the discussion, denying someone their dreams, or carrying such a heavy bag of negative feelings will take a toll on the relationship. 

If you remain her advocate, she will find comfort in you when dealing with the stresses of her trials.  To do otherwise will add stress and possibly create animosity towards you.

Once you decide to deal with your stress, you have to decide how to deal with it.  A major part of relationships is the sharing of stresses.  Either one will support and encourage the other, or one will cause the other person stress.  Yet in any case, when two people love each other, ones stress should automatically be the others concern.  So how a couple plans an attack of a source of stress is important. 

Dave Chappelle

There are three ways to deal with stress.  The first of which is Appraisal-focused strategies. This method is the changing of ones perception of the problem. To reduce the priority, or find the humor in the matter.  African Americans tend to use this method culturally.  In studying couples counseling sessions, you will tend to find more laughter and humor between African American couples prior to the raw emotions are evoked. 

The consistent and historical stress of the African American experience has manifested a culture that laughs at their common situations, as seen on many  African American comedy stages.  Even the use of the N word is an appraisal-focused coping methodology. 

This predominance within the African American culture has historically saved their sanity, yet in modern times it has created an expectance in the norm to the point that many find little to no problem with the ever increasing dysfunction of certain immoral social interactions.   Being poor and ignorant is a source of stress, yet in some circles, being ignorant is encouraged, because if you are smart, “you are trying to be white, or better than us”.  

The second method is Problem-focused coping.  This is the attempt to resolve the source of the stress. In this method information is gathered and problems are meant to be managed.  This tends to be the way the average man approaches issues, which typically is not the way women [initially] cope.  

Women generally utilize emotion-focused coping.  This is the main reason why women may find more serenity in the mere discussion of an existing source of stress, as my recent article “Women feel resolve by simply talking about it“ points out.  The main objective is not to attack the issue, it is to fix the ill feeling that the issue caused.  This is why men need to hug a women during a crisis, to give her support for the emotion she is feeling.  If we can comfort her emotion, to her, we have resolved much of the problem.  Yet as we comfort and console, we men are thinking about the source.  Yet if a man that is supposed to be her comforter chooses not to do so because he may be the source of the stress, or just occupied with problem-focusing, he is not effectively multitasking. He needs to be in tune with her emotional needs.

It is to the advantage of any relationship to understand how your partner deals with stress.  With this information we can realize that men and women complement each other in that way, and we can adjust how we interact in a stressful situation without creating more stress for one another. Part III will deal with the affect stress has on relationships.

The second method of dealing with stress is called “Primary coping”. This tends to be a relatively immature way of dealing with stressful issues, but due to the immediate satisfaction and short term resolution, it is used often.  This is actually good, but without coupling this tactic with the third and most effective method can be harmful and often times allows issues to manifest into bigger issues.  As well this method can potentially create new stresses.

Thus the most effective way to manage stress is called “Secondary coping”. The name is derived from the fact that this method is used after or in conjunction with one  of the first two.  

So basically if you feel helpless against your source of stress, you may tend to try to ignore it.  If it becomes a serious problem, you will naturally seek happiness and refuse in a Primary coping attempt, such as going out to party, drinking, drugs or other self indulgences.  This is why people who don’t have answers to their shortcomings or the emotional fortitude to weather the storms of their lives are at a higher risk of being addicted or developing co-dependent personalities.  They tend to allow their lives to spiral farther into chaos by inadequately addressing life’s challenges.  A tell-tell sign of this is if you are constantly battling the same issues year in and year out.  In this there is little growth.

But when you use cognitive solutions and a thought process that leads to a plan that you work to rid yourself of the stressful situation, “now you cookin!”  You are taking control of your life with the feeling that you are empowered to defeat all the demons that lurk in your life.  In Part II I’ll delve into how we put these things into play.

If they reveal themselves slowly to you, you may be intrigued and held captive by their depth.  If they keep everything honest and consistent without the ever so popular, fake facade that easily melts away as time reveals the truth, they just might have a shot at capturing your heart.  The way to a girls heart is through her ear.  So as you do some introspection and self-improvement, keep in mind that your experiences and talents should not only be fun for you, but also great conversational pieces that enhances your wisdom and understanding.

But stay away from being complicated.  This is exhibited when someone feels stressed by simply listening to you talk.  As they put the pieces of your life’s story together, they get lost and loose interested due to the heavy feeling they get.

I guess the determining distinction between complex and complicated is the different feeling your story evokes in people. As well, if the circumstances of your life’s story realistically depict you as in control, then that is an indication of complex.  If you have no control over serious aspects of your life, tomorrow feels scary.

Relationship status: “It’s complicated”

The power to stop a targeted group lies within Institutional racism. Where there is a systematic rejection of opportunity. I will prove that this power does not exist as an adversary of African-Americans.

The key to understanding is how these groups or institutions are established. In order to defeat your enemy, you must first identify him. Look at the things that he actually does to hold you back. Understand his perspective, where he is getting his information from, and where his true alliances are. Once you see this you’ll be in a better position to realize what he is really trying to protect.

If you find that his establishment or source of power comes from his own hard work and sacrifice, you must respect that. If you find that his group is not the only group that has amassed a decent amount of security by way of controlling assets or industries, then you’ve got to respect them as well. Are those other groups advocates, adversaries or indifferent to African-Americans? Remember we are identifying the who, why and the how.

With this thought process you start to realize that capitalism is a team sport. There is no individual that does it all alone. Immigrant groups come to this country and they concentrate in a particular geographic region or neighborhood. They discuss how to maintain their culture, assimilate into the mainstream and how to engage in enterprise to bring in capital. They may start out as workers, then owners who hire their own people. They may unionize and eventually fight for better conditions. They may pay lobbyist so their voice can be heard. They may fund additional education for their new immigrants or young children. The groups that are successful at this are successful overall. How are these groups affecting, assisting or interrupting the African-American assent?

The next thing we must look at is the African-American as a group/culture. With the new found information from above, we compare what African-Americans are doing to each other,  for each other and with each other on the street, in the home and intergenerationally. We look at if they are embracing the healthy aspects of their culture while diminishing the negative. We look at if they are playing into the stereotypes or are they actively defeating them with contrary representation.  Are the successful African-Americans doing all that they can to promote and create a path for others to follow? Are they effective in assisting others in overcoming the shortcomings of their community? Or are they exploiting, assimilating, marrying outside of their race and half-hazardly giving money to causes just to satisfy their guilt?

The point is, post civil rights, post affirmative action, and during the Obama era, if you are discriminating against yourself, you can not complain that others are treating you the same way you are treating yourself. Why get outraged when a police officer kills one black male, but say nothing when 500 are slain by other African-Americans? In America, the opportunities are only where YOU make them. If you don’t do that, you have no one to blame but yourself…but remember this is a team sport.

It may be difficult for African-Americans to get admitted to some Universities in this post affirmative action era. But we have 105 historically black universities in the United States. It may be more difficult for an African-American to obtain loans, even with the same credit score as a counterpart. But African-Americans (people in certain zip codes) historically have more volatility in their income due to being subject to relationship fluctuations, employment terminations and longer bouts of unemployment between jobs.   Which are partially caused by African-Americans reluctance to go above and beyond to do more than “just enough”, play the political game, or better yet start their own enterprise and hire their own people all while being competitive.

The industries that African-Americans dominate are ones that are driven by emotion and passion, such as the arts. Even within our successes, we find a way to assist in our self-oppression by perpetuating and glorifying the negative.  Yet in the industries that require less emotion and more focused intellect and politics such as Math, science and sales, African-Americans don’t fare as well.

Institutional racism no longer exists because African-Americans have failed to build their own institutions. No one needs to hold a man down that is unwilling to stand up.  What do you think?

They molded, carved and shaped us to their liking, and complain about what we have become. We are their, unforeseen, creation.

We must make a conscious effort to get back what the devil stoled from us.

 Many will agree; he stoled our heritage, hidden and buried our African-American history so deep that it has taken the most savvy prospectors and data miners to assumable a patchwork of facts, biographies and events to try and resurrect what should have been proud memories of our past inheritance. 

That said, our black communities have assimilated and been acculturated to the point that apathy rules over our desire to understand who we used to be. We have been directed in such a way, that we fail to realize the many contributions we have made that makes this country so attractive to other peoples of the world. The failure to understand who we were is the very reason we are who we are today. It is our responsibility to disrupt and ameliorate this issue and piece back together our, confiscated, history.

History is the memory of the world. The only memories that we black folk have are the memories that have been decremently and deliberately filtered to us. To be black, they taught us, came with inferiority and shame-nothing positive or up-lifting. We have no self to be proud of, so we emulate the caricatures and labels that they provided and continue to provide us.

Our history, in this land, has been ignored or at best seriously marginalized.  If we want to regain our self-worth and stop the cannibalism that currently exists in many of our African-American neighborhoods, a starting point might be to, reach back and learn true American history. For, African-American history has not been interwoven with the events of it’s time; therefore, you will not learn it in that context. We must juxtaposition our history with other events and discoveries to weave the true American history for ourselves; self-enlightenment.

Make no mistake, slavery had a great deal to do with our current attitudes and behaviors but remember slavery was about economics, and though Jim Crow was part of the same fabric as slavery, it [Jim Crow] was about hatred and classism-we must outwit these mental barriers and move beyond these debilitating institutions to respect ourselves, dignify ourselves. No more blaming others for our current situation(s). Use slavery and Jim Crow, if we must, as negative reinforcements, along with the many positive aspects of our rich history to be the catalyst to drive us to achieve greater ends.

In the pejorative sense; the way the world views us seems to be pervasive and permanent, however, we can change and control how we view ourselves. Since the early years of the African diaspora, colonial racism has dominated the black – white relationship. And with the current president of the United States being a black man [Barack Obama], racism seems to have reached an old familiar pitch.

How do we combat self-hatred and racism? The only viable answer is in two parts, the first is the continued pursuit of education. The second part is to derive the new age “Black Manifesto” in honor of past struggled Movements, yet with a futuristic twist that reunites our people around a moral standard to travel into the future with.  The idea of becoming educated was imbued into every generation of blacks born in this country up until the early nineteen seventies. During the Black power movement, we embraced our blackness and most of the leaders of our movement were pursuing postgraduate degrees.  Many things can be attributed to the lack of vigilance on our part for letting this main ingredient slip from our culture. With this understanding of our past, we can look forward in unison for mutual benefit. Since the end of the movement the next generation lost the passion for mainstream knowledge.  They have twisted the idea of speaking properly and being educated as “trying to be white”.  Educate yourself not only of your today, but your yesteryear, only then will your future become vivid.  Get back what the devil stole from you and true freedom will follow.

by Mickey Chavis