The freshman contract- As we begin to live for our new hormones our parents voices quickly fade as we replace them with voices of peers who accept us and give us a new sense of belonging and understanding. We sign a freshman contract that may tell us that purple hair, tattoos and Young Jeezy are cool. Talking about the blind leading the blind. This is the process of finding one’s self. A lot is riding on what contract we sign. We stand at the gates of our high school and we look in and try to “get in where we fit in”. Our parents can try to make us strong independent leaders, but God steps in and changes the game with pubescent changes.

We eventually learn a little about a few groups at school and we decide which contract to sign. Jocks, Nerds, Prepies, Cool Brainiacs… Each contract has a list of what is cool, what is not so cool and what is never cool. Ideally we’d fall into the “Farris Bueller Effect” and command respect by all groups while not being heavily influenced by any one group.  Parents should to try to prepare kids for what is to come, and be very careful while attempting to correct their childrens initial bad decisions. If asserted incorrectly, rebellion will ensue.  Parents should try to get to know their adolescents friends and their parents, and have discussions with children to help guide them without the preaching.                         

Given our self esteem, propensity to follow, the addictiveness of our personalities and biochemical responses to differing stimulus, we come out of high school more or less affected by those trial and tribulations. By the time we are in our early twenties we should hope that we are done with that phase and can now see the forest for the trees. We shall graduate from seeing the persona of social contracts to being able to view and understand the social order.

Social order is what determines the hierarchy of all of the social contracts. Now we may begin to see the potential outcomes available to each social contract. We look around at our friend and evaluate our new goals as adults and the path that we’ve taken thus far. If we are lucky, we don’t have to take a detour because we were on the right road all along. Yet this is very rare. Many have a tough time changing roads and they feel trapped by the baggage or mindset that they have formed over the past journey.

Again, parents play a vital roll when their adult children begin to open their eyes and seek the knowledge that they may have once shunned in irritated disunderstanding(unwillingness to respect). Do you remember the first time you sat at your mothers kitchen table while visiting from your first apartment and talking about life from one adult to another? This is the moment when your ears open and your relationship changes.  I looked at my mother shaking my head, and before I could get it out she said “it’s tough out there isn’t it?”

From this place you sign your second (or third) social contract. You hopefully will make a better decision on what is cool for you and your future. Hopefully you can see value in education, and see that hard swagger in a person as mostly a fake façade that covers a persons feelings of inadequacy.  You understand that a subtle swagger comes from confidence, not shame or insecurity.  You begin to live by that wisdom.

We are now becoming better equipped to choose a life mate to bare our children. We are better equipped to discern friend from foe. We are better equipped to pursue daily goals that are in perfect alignment to our long term goals. But be leery and tread carefully, you are still stupid. You still have much to learn, I’m pushing 40 and the one thing that I definitely know is that I definitely don’t know.

Continually grow. Make sure you grow strong and wise, and not grow weak and futile.

One night I stayed at my grandmother’s friend Ms Rose’s house.  My grandmother had to work late and was to pick me up late that night.  I was 15.  Ms Rose had her 7 or 8 year old granddaughter over too.  Ms Rose had left me and the little girl in the living room to watch TV.  I was lying on the floor in front of the TV.  The little girl came over to me and sat down beside me and started to unbuckle my pants. 

WTF… I was shocked.  I wasn’t sure what to do, but I was curious to see what this little girl was going to do with me once she let me loose.  I knew that there was a man that also lived there and I started to wonder who taught this little girl this.  Maybe she learned it by looking at little boys on the playground.  Maybe she would put it in her mouth and have amazing skills at it.  Maybe she would raise her dress and really try to go all the way.  All these thoughts raced through my mind.  I remember thinking that this was very sad.  I started to wonder when I was going to stop her. My curiosity already told me to let her pull it out.  But I wasn’t sure how far I’d let her go.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell an adult so that she could get help. 

All these thoughts ran through my head over about 4 minutes.  I kept looking over my shoulder to see if Ms. Rose was coming in the room.  This whole time the little girl could not get my belt undone.  She got frustrated and decided to just unzip my pants and go in that way, but that was even more difficult because I had button fly jeans on.  So after about 6 minutes of trying I saw Ms. Rose’s shadow appear as she made her way in the dark living room from the lit bedroom.  I pushed the girl away and that was the end of that.

Signed: WTF

I’ve received a bit of hater mail as of lately. The hater mails all seem to point to the notion that I think I’m some kind of expert, falsely perfect or that I’m saying I got all the answers. Quite contraire…I’m just as lost as everyone else. This site is just a light to help guide not only my readers, but me too. I don’t have answers to give; I just have suggestions to share. Given the fact that we all have, or have had a dark side, I’m reserving this article for those of us who have something SCANDALOUS to share. Anonymously place comments below that exhibits how scandalous you have been in the past. Change the names to protect the guilty.

So everyone should ask themselves two questions: Do I even bother with the low hanging fruit?  And even more importantly: Am I low hanging fruit myself?

Everyone should have there own definition of high and low hanging fruit. Is it determined by looks, financial stability, self-esteem, status, race or inner beauty? If you must, admit to yourself that you are shallow in how you pick your fruit. Just don’t bitch about the frequent bad outcomes of your batch of juice.

Low hanging fruit is a great way to build your confidence and practice your juice making skills, because regardless of the type of fruit, they all want to be picked and squeezed.  Many men that I know only want the fruit from the top of the tree, but rarely have the opportunity to pick one.  They continually walk by low hanging fruit as they wait.  If they are clueless on how to make a great batch of juice, it doesn’t matter if they are getting the top or low hanging fruit.   Once you amass the skill to make great juice, then you can hold out for the best ingredients.  But if you are not a great juice maker, what makes you think you deserve the best fruit? 

Women also hold out and refuse to “settle” for less.  This is usually a great thing, but the same question applies.  I know many women who have been single, are single, and to what I see, will be single for a long time because they don’t take their juice making skills into account.  So we first have to be honest with ourselves.  Secondly, we have to work on us.  And then the top fruit just may fall from the tree right into our laps.

But remember to balance one important point while picking, “substitutes create baggage” (click).

In a relationship your partner can be an adversary but not necessarily an enemy. An example of a women becoming an adversary while she tries to be supportive is when she attempts to comfort her man during a stressful time in his life. If he snaps at her or is unwelcoming to her attempts of comfort, it is because he feels that her self-interest in the matter creates more stress for him. For example:

I had a tough week at work, and on the carpool drive home my wife and I were talking about the fact that I may lose my job. She was trying to be encouraging by making positive comments. I was highly irritated and I wanted her to shut-up and stop attempting to cheer me up. Later that night I called my uncle and we began to talk about my work issues. After the conversation I realized that even though he in essence stated the exact things that my wife said in the car, I felt much better and less defensive once my uncle said those words. Why is that?  A person needs to adjust to how their partner needs support.  Sometimes just “leave me the fuck alone” will do just fine.  Just don’t let that method of coping cause another problem. 

My wife became my adversary in that situation due to the fact that my job security is directly linked to my ability to provide for my wife. Hence, my job is linked to my perceived manhood in the eye of my wife. As long as she focused on my problems, even if she was positive, I felt exposed and vulnerable.My uncle on the other hand is a third party that I am not responsible for, so his discussion presents less of a threat to my manhood.  So learning how best to comfort your partner in these stressful situations takes practice and patience. 

On the average, a woman is quite the opposite. If my wife was facing the loss of her job, she’d expect me to listen and engage in a conversation. She may appreciate my analyzing what steps she should take next, but she may be even more satisfied if I didn’t present solutions but just simply call her boss a crazy MF for even thinking about firing my baby.

Another example: My wife also wants me to stop watching sports so much and spend more time with her and the kids. She doesn’t understand that watching the Lakers enhances my life and is a coping mechanism in order to put up with the stresses of the daily grind. She doesn’t realize that nothing gets my blood pumping more, nothing gives me the sense of comradery than being a diehard Laker fan. So when she attacks me or stands in front of the TV during the playoffs and demands my attention it really pisses me off.

Many relationships have internal battles between the vice vs. the relationship. The one that is being demanded of, must objectively look at the situation from the other persons perspective. Because often times the vice is excessive or harmful, such as drinking alcohol. Yet for the demander he/she must not try to understand, but realize that vices are not relatable from the outside looking in, but they are very real. The only answer is objective consideration and compromise.

With a vice in one hand and a relationship in the other, one is forced to choose between the two. Even though neither of the options can singularly fill the void caused by the absence of the other, choices must be made. As for the pusher of the ultimatum, he or she often feels that this decision will determine their worth in the other persons life. That is an irrational mistake, understand, there is only one Kobe Bryant and there are millions of women out there.

Once your partner begins to turn into your adversary, your relationship will tend to take a nose dive.  In building a relationship two people should have open discussions on individual goals.  “Can I support her in that goal?”  If you can’t, you may become her adversary when she wants to invest relationship assets into a dream you have not bought into.  You may be thrilled with her failure or upset with her victory.   So she can’t run home and find true comfort in crying on your shoulder, or she can’t jump for joy with you in celebrating a victory. 

We all have those differences within our relationships.  You can’t possibly see eye to eye on everything.  So how do you continue to be supportive on an issue that you’re not totally behind?  It can sometimes get to the point of sabotage or resentment.  We first have to look at the real reason why we are so against our partner’s dreams.  We should be honest with ourselves and see if the root is jealousy or insecurity.  

“If she goes to college, she’ll think she’s too smart for me and start being attracted to college men.”  

“I don’t want him to open a restaurant because he’ll have power and prestige and female customers and employees will want him.”

If this is the case we rarely can face and admit it because it accentuates our flaws as people.  But that is an opportunity to truly grow as a person.  If you obtain the honest strength sit down with that person and start with:

“I love you and I want to support all that you desire.  Yet regarding your plans I have a feeling deep down that scares me.  When I think of it, my mind starts to doubt…”

By opening up with honest dialogue your relationship has the best chance of surviving.  Those conversations will allow your partner to understand your resistance, and address your concerns with a promise of devotion to the relationship.  Without the discussion, denying someone their dreams, or carrying such a heavy bag of negative feelings will take a toll on the relationship. 

If you remain her advocate, she will find comfort in you when dealing with the stresses of her trials.  To do otherwise will add stress and possibly create animosity towards you.

Once you decide to deal with your stress, you have to decide how to deal with it.  A major part of relationships is the sharing of stresses.  Either one will support and encourage the other, or one will cause the other person stress.  Yet in any case, when two people love each other, ones stress should automatically be the others concern.  So how a couple plans an attack of a source of stress is important. 

Dave Chappelle

There are three ways to deal with stress.  The first of which is Appraisal-focused strategies. This method is the changing of ones perception of the problem. To reduce the priority, or find the humor in the matter.  African Americans tend to use this method culturally.  In studying couples counseling sessions, you will tend to find more laughter and humor between African American couples prior to the raw emotions are evoked. 

The consistent and historical stress of the African American experience has manifested a culture that laughs at their common situations, as seen on many  African American comedy stages.  Even the use of the N word is an appraisal-focused coping methodology. 

This predominance within the African American culture has historically saved their sanity, yet in modern times it has created an expectance in the norm to the point that many find little to no problem with the ever increasing dysfunction of certain immoral social interactions.   Being poor and ignorant is a source of stress, yet in some circles, being ignorant is encouraged, because if you are smart, “you are trying to be white, or better than us”.  

The second method is Problem-focused coping.  This is the attempt to resolve the source of the stress. In this method information is gathered and problems are meant to be managed.  This tends to be the way the average man approaches issues, which typically is not the way women [initially] cope.  

Women generally utilize emotion-focused coping.  This is the main reason why women may find more serenity in the mere discussion of an existing source of stress, as my recent article “Women feel resolve by simply talking about it“ points out.  The main objective is not to attack the issue, it is to fix the ill feeling that the issue caused.  This is why men need to hug a women during a crisis, to give her support for the emotion she is feeling.  If we can comfort her emotion, to her, we have resolved much of the problem.  Yet as we comfort and console, we men are thinking about the source.  Yet if a man that is supposed to be her comforter chooses not to do so because he may be the source of the stress, or just occupied with problem-focusing, he is not effectively multitasking. He needs to be in tune with her emotional needs.

It is to the advantage of any relationship to understand how your partner deals with stress.  With this information we can realize that men and women complement each other in that way, and we can adjust how we interact in a stressful situation without creating more stress for one another. Part III will deal with the affect stress has on relationships.

The second method of dealing with stress is called “Primary coping”. This tends to be a relatively immature way of dealing with stressful issues, but due to the immediate satisfaction and short term resolution, it is used often.  This is actually good, but without coupling this tactic with the third and most effective method can be harmful and often times allows issues to manifest into bigger issues.  As well this method can potentially create new stresses.

Thus the most effective way to manage stress is called “Secondary coping”. The name is derived from the fact that this method is used after or in conjunction with one  of the first two.  

So basically if you feel helpless against your source of stress, you may tend to try to ignore it.  If it becomes a serious problem, you will naturally seek happiness and refuse in a Primary coping attempt, such as going out to party, drinking, drugs or other self indulgences.  This is why people who don’t have answers to their shortcomings or the emotional fortitude to weather the storms of their lives are at a higher risk of being addicted or developing co-dependent personalities.  They tend to allow their lives to spiral farther into chaos by inadequately addressing life’s challenges.  A tell-tell sign of this is if you are constantly battling the same issues year in and year out.  In this there is little growth.

But when you use cognitive solutions and a thought process that leads to a plan that you work to rid yourself of the stressful situation, “now you cookin!”  You are taking control of your life with the feeling that you are empowered to defeat all the demons that lurk in your life.  In Part II I’ll delve into how we put these things into play.