Chapter two, “The small lows pale in comparison to the high heights of our good times” as you explain challenges may attempt to interfere but nothing can come between our love and life long commitment to be supportive in our victories and comforting in our defeats. We understood that when God gets busy, the devil gets anxious.

Chapter three, “As I lay here on my death bed” with the enormous love from our great-great grand children surrounding me in this year 2084 I tell them this story of the greatest love ever. I reminisce about how I always joked with her that I’d outlive her. She died a short while ago. But when she did I had a sky window placed above our bed so that she can look down upon me with protection while I rest. Sometimes in the middle of the night when the moonlight is just right I can see her perched on a cloud as if it were the hand of God, looking down from the heavens with arms stretched out for me. I comfort her with “Soon baby, soon we will be together again”. From our prior lives, to this life, and on to the next one, we will be together forever, this is what soulmates do.

“Three of my five ex-boyfriends were Black, and I think that in America you should be free to date whoever you want regardless of race. Jermaine, you are a leader of your people and you should use your voice for good, not for bad ideas, love not hate, equality not discrimination.”

I tried to defend myself with a simple explanation that I have absolutely no problem with interracial couples and that I actually like to see love regardless of how it happens. Jenny was not convinced, and she continued to lean into me hard. I thought she may chill out when my wife arrived, but she didn’t let up at all.

“As a public voice you should do right by the legacy of Martin Luther King and teach equality…blah blah blah…”

Wait wait wait, I interrupt her semi-drunken rant. First of all, the word “equal” is a utopian word that only exists in utopia. Secondly, I’m a Malcolm X type of brotha way before a Martin Luther King brotha. In the words of brother Malcolm X:

“Before there can be black-white unity, there first must be black-black unity.”

Thirdly, if I am a “leader of my people” then I must look at all the dynamics of a particular policy, and regarding the shortage of black men, there is a victim in the millions of Black single mothers who are raising fully African American children. Hence, many black men are having babies with these Black women but are coming up short on fully living up to their responsibilities.

I asked her had she ever been with her Black boyfriend as a group of Black women gave her the evil eye or had some choice words for her? She answered, “yes that happened a few times, but if those women learned how to be a lady and treat their men better without all the drama they wouldn’t have a reason to get mad at me.”

That’s when my wife interjected into the discussion. My wife noticed the ring on Jenny’s finger and asked her about it. Jenny said she is engaged to a white man. I’ll leave that one right there and describe my next encounter with a white woman.

On a separate occasion I was at a sports bar with a Black male friend of mine who has an affinity for white women. He told me one of his good female friends was going to be coming soon. He informed me that they are just friends because she will not continue a physical relationship with a man in a relationship, but that she preferred to date Black men. After this very attractive late thirties white lady arrived (we’ll call her Heather) and we all had a few more drinks, she pulled me into their conversation and asked me

“Why do Black men cheat so much?”

I said, what did I just get drug into? He was trying to convince her to invite him to her hot tub for old times sake. In the course of our exchange she told me that she no longer liked Black men and that she admires her parents for being so faithfully in love after 40 year of marriage. She explains that she wants that for herself and she expects to get it. I asked her why did she think Black men have a bigger problem with monogamy than white men, and did she get cheated on by Black men and not white? She said she had never been cheated on, but she has only dated Black men non-exclusively. All the exclusive relationships she had been in were with white men.

So I told her that she had answered her question herself. I told her that I’d tell her everything she just told me, but I’d put in the form of an answer to her original question.

I answer with: Heather was raised by a loving mother and father who to this day are still married. So Heather has an optimistic idea of what marriage is supposed to be like. Heather has never been cheated on, so she has no baggage or emotional trust issues. Heather is attracted to Black men and has had physical relations with them, even though she knew they had other partners other than her. It’s simple economic law of supply and demand, this increased demand for Black men is not just from desperate Black women trying to fill a hole that their disappearing fathers created, but includes many different races of women. Black men are being used for their sexual prowess to satisfy so many different women’s jungle fever, Mandingo fantasies and ideas of “give me a baby so I’ll have someone to love me”. Black men are having an increasingly difficult time denying themselves the opportunities available to them. Heather used to date Black men, but now she is aware of Black men’s monogamy struggles, and she is unwilling to marry one. She may not have ever committed to marriage with a Black man due to what her parents or society would have thought, so she will end up married to a white man and attempting to develop a stable home like the one she was raised in. This means that Black men develop habits in their wild 20’s that are hard to break as they mature, Black women suffer, as white women get married.

I understand white women’s perspective, it is honest and from a pure source. Yet I’m not sure that they could fully understand or appreciate the dynamics of the Black community or the roll they play in it. It is really not their concern. It is ours.

Firstly we must state that there is a range of responses that can occur. In general terms, the average feminine, or submissive roll player is on one side of this range. The general masculine gender roll player is on the other side. The major difference between the two sides is that the feminine side appreciates pain inflicted by the other party, and the masculine side better appreciates mutual shared pain that is normally brought by an outside source.

The feminine side can endure more pain brought by the opposite partner within the relationship and at times feel more connected to the inflicting partner. This is why the pain of child birth is not a deterrent for mothers, but it is a catalyst to the mother/child bonding process. We may have died out as a species if we were dependent on men to endure such physical pain while giving birth. It is questionable if men would ever willingly go through the pain of child birth. The masculine side best bonds with a partner when they both endure emotional or physical pain brought from an outside force. Such as financial struggle and sacrifice to accomplish a greater goal. This is exhibited during team sports or nation/gang warfare where the team fights and struggles to overcome an adversary together.

In male-female relationships, women can arguably endure more abuse from the man relative to his ability to take pain inflicted by the woman. As a defense, she may love harder, and he may become emotional withdrawn. An example is the tolerance of cheating between women and men. This emotional pain is relatively unbearable for a man to deal with when he finds out his woman has stepped out on him. Another example, many of us may have bore witness to a situation where a woman refuses to leave an abusive man. Women who have been prematurely exposed to such abusive force often carries the ideology that doubts the love of a partner that fails to inflict some kind of pain.

It is probable that masculine personalities bond with feminine personalities that are willing to endure the struggles of his quest to lead the family. Once a man feels as if the woman is creating more pain internally rather than enduring external pain, he is left with a decision to make regarding the future of the relationship. Conversely, a woman will perceive external pain as a failure of the man to protect and provide for her basic needs, and she will be left with a decision to make regarding the future of the relationship.

We often use pain to control our subordinates, such as training a pet or child rearing. This is effective in actually increasing the love between parents and children to a point. Where we fall short is when the children are asserting their new independence and feel that they no longer need to submit to parents. This is why feminine parents typically lose control over their children before the masculine parent, hence the presence of a male figure is critical.

We should understand the source of the pain within our relationships, as well as our partner’s pain tolerance, and we should attempt to act accordingly.

Remember the simple things

You make a left, a right and get on the freeway and speed, I race to keep pace.  I catch up and pull up beside you, you look over at me and with no expression you turn back towards the road.  You exit after 6 miles.  You pull into the Ritz Carlton.  As you exit your car, I pass you to find a parking spot close to yours. You look at me with the same look as if I’m an insignificant stranger.  I park and rush to the lobby.  I see you grab a key from the front desk and jump in an elevator.  I run across the huge lobby to catch the elevator doors.  You watch me run towards you as you let the elevator doors close on my fingers.

I watch the elevator lights to see where you may have gotten off as I frantically push the elevator call button over and over.  24^th floor. I push close door button when inside the elevator. 24, 24, 24, 24.  As the doors open I squeeze out before they can fully open.  I look left, right to find you. I hear a door close to my right.  I’m not sure which door it was but I walk up to the first one and listen for an indication.  I hear two women talking.  I slide to the next door, I listen.  Nothing, so I knock softly out of nervousness.  I see a shadow under the door and I can tell that someone is peaking through the peep hole. I try to compose myself as the butterflies’ frantically circle in my stomach.  

The shadow walks away from the door. I am crushed.  I stand and think, what to do next, what to do next? I see the shadow reappear. I tense up again.  I listen closely and notice a shower on.  The shadow disappears again.  As I put my head against the door in utter confused emotions, I see that the person on the other side of the door had slid the key card under the door and it rests right under my toes.  I slowly bend down and pick up the key card.  I take a moment to feel my excitement, contain them and relax.  I place the key at the slide slot on the door.  I pause as I try to imagine what wonderfulness I may find on the other side of this door.  I almost get cold feet and doubt if I will be all that I dreamed of.  I know you will exceed my expectation, but I want to be so good to you, for you and in you.

I slide the key, the light turns green and I twist the door knob and push it just to a crack.  I take a deep breath and open the door slowly.  I open it just in time to see your naked sexiness walk into the bathroom.  You swing the bathroom door to a crack.  I see your beautiful reflection in the mirror walk towards the shower.  I enter and lock the door behind me.  I immediately undress and neatly place my clothes on a chair.  Now partially erect and overly excited that I know that you want me almost as much as I want you to want me, I walk into the bathroom.  As you sud your body up, I pause just to stare at your long sexy body art.  Now I’m fully at attention and I can tell that your eyes first acknowledge my presence and you are very pleased as you bite your lip and invitingly open the shower door for me.

Fully lathering each others bodies and rinsing each others glistening bodies, we move to the King sized bed just in time to admire the sunset over the distant mountains through the high rise window.  The orange light creates a nostalgia and a connection that can be felt and seen between our bodies as we sit on the bed lotioning each other gently and seductively.  The sunset last for hours as we make all time stand still.  We gaze at the lights sparkle across the city.  You sit between my legs with your hands behind your back.  I’m sitting behind you and massage your back and take nibbles of your neck and ears. You turn and whisper in my ear “I’m so fortunate to have a husband like you”.

As you leave out of town on business, take a bunch of post-it notes and place them all over the house.  On her computer, in her car, under the covers on her pillow, on the toothpaste, on the back of the bathroom tissue, give one to her assistant at work to place the on her desk two days after you leave. Give one to your neighbor to put on your front door when she’s at work.