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Posts from the ‘Self Reflection’ Category


What Social contract have you signed?

As children we live in the freedom of wonder. All we do is a first for us.  Taste, feel cold and hot. We learn. Our parents are our Universe, we shall be so lucky that they show us a broad universe of books, colors, shapes, science and adventure. We soon leave that behind to experience life out from under their wing. We step with false boldness in that we seek to cling to new found friends for comfort.

The freshman contract- As we begin to live for our new hormones our parents voices quickly fade as we replace them with voices of peers who accept us and give us a new sense of belonging and understanding. We sign a freshman contract that may tell us that purple hair, tattoos and Lil Wayne are cool. Talking about the blind leading the blind. This is the process of finding one’s self. A lot is riding on what contract we sign. Read moreRead more


1 night stand 24 hour day’s list

Each morning write one to two goals that you want to accomplish that day. Each night before going to bed, write down if you accomplished your day’s goal. In one sentence write why/why not. After a month, look over your list and the truth about you may be shown in the pattern. Your priorities will scream back at you. With that information, you may want to look at your priorities of what and why certain things have the power to effect your day/life. Life is too short to get it wrong. Tomorrow is not promised.


Ms. Rose’s granddaughter

belt-buckleOne night I stayed at my grandmother’s friend Ms Rose’s house.  My grandmother had to work late and was to pick me up late that night.  I was 15.  Ms Rose had her 7 or 8 year old granddaughter over too.  Ms Rose had left me and the little girl in the living room to watch TV.  I was lying on the floor in front of the TV.  The little girl came over to me and sat down beside me and started to unbuckle my pants. 

WTF… I was shocked.  Read moreRead more


Have you ever been SCANDALOUS???


I’ve received a bit of hater mail as of lately. The hater mails all seem to point to the notion that I think I’m some kind of expert, falsely perfect or that I’m saying I got all the answers. Quite contraire…I’m just as lost as everyone else. This site is just a light to help guide not only my readers, but me too. I don’t have answers to give; I just have suggestions to share. Given the fact that we all have, or have had a dark side, I’m reserving this article for those of us who have something SCANDALOUS to share. Anonymously place comments below that exhibits how scandalous you have been in the past. Change the names to protect the guilty.


Bitter is

You no longer admit the fact that you genuinely have a want for love. You have not been able to capture and maintain it. You find a pattern of men being interested in you for a limited purpose or a limited amount of time. If you are not satisfied with that indication of your value and you lack the ability to change for the better.


Use low hanging fruit to practice your juice making skills

Low hanging fruit is the stuff you don’t have to stretch yourself to pick. You don’t have to get a ladder or risk breaking something to obtain it. Low hanging fruit usually doesn’t taste as good. But from my experience I’ve learned that low hanging fruit usually leaves less bad aftertaste. But be very leery of fruit on the ground. That is usually rotting fruit. Every now and then you may find one on the ground that someone just dropped, if you pick it up quick and kiss it up to God, you may be able to save the fruit from rotting.

So everyone should ask themselves two questions: Do I even bother with the low hanging fruit?  And even more importantly: Am I low hanging fruit myself?

Everyone should have there own definition of high and low hanging fruit. Is it determined by looks, financial stability, self-esteem, status, race or inner beauty? If you must, admit to yourself that you are shallow in how you pick your fruit. Just don’t bitch about the frequent bad outcomes of your batch of juice.

Low hanging fruit is a great way to build your confidence and practice your juice making skills, because regardless of the type of fruit, they all want to be picked and squeezed.  Many men that I know only want the fruit from the top of the tree, but rarely have the opportunity to pick one.  They continually walk by low hanging fruit as they wait.  If they are clueless on how to make a great batch of juice, it doesn’t matter if they are getting the top or low hanging fruit.   Once you amass the skill to make great juice, then you can hold out for the best ingredients.  But if you are not a great juice maker, what makes you think you deserve the best fruit? 

Women also hold out and refuse to “settle” for less.  This is usually a great thing, but the same question applies.  I know many women who have been single, are single, and to what I see, will be single for a long time because they don’t take their juice making skills into account.  So we first have to be honest with ourselves.  Secondly, we have to work on us.  And then the top fruit just may fall from the tree right into our laps.

But remember to balance one important point while picking, “substitutes create baggage” (click).


Being supportive in a stressful situation – Part IV

One popular source of relationship stress is, she wants you to do or stop doing something that you refuse to start or stop. She fails to understand the importance this thing has regarding your happiness. The thing in question may not be the healthiest thing, but it makes you happy in a way that she can not comprehend no matter how you try to explain it to her. She feels that this vice is detrimental to your relationship. This is when the ultimatums come into play.  This is when a person has to choose what’s more important and attempt to refrain for the betterment of the relationship.  The stronger the person is at doing this the more successful he will be in the relationship.  The great compromise, click here.

In a relationship your partner can be an adversary but not necessarily an enemy. An example of a women becoming an adversary while she tries to be supportive is when she attempts to comfort her man during a stressful time in his life. If he snaps at her or is unwelcoming to her attempts of comfort, it is because he feels that her self-interest in the matter creates more stress for him. For example: Read moreRead more


Managing stress – Part III – Relationship advocate or adversary

The point of a relationship is to hire an advocate.  A supporter, a cheerleader and an advisor that wants the best for you.  This team effort and genuine care and concern for your goals, dreams and aspirations is what make being in a relationship worth the effort.

Once your partner begins to turn into your adversary, your relationship will tend to take a nose dive.  In building a relationship two people should have open discussions on individual goals.  “Can I support her in that goal?”  If you can’t, you may become her adversary when she wants to invest relationship assets into a dream you have not bought into.  You may be thrilled with her failure or upset with her victory.   So she can’t run home and find true comfort in crying on your shoulder, or she can’t jump for joy with you in celebrating a victory.  Read moreRead more


Managing Stress – Part II

Once you decide to deal with your stress, you have to decide how to deal with it.  A major part of relationships is the sharing of stresses.  Either one will support and encourage the other, or one will cause the other person stress.  Yet in any case, when two people love each other, ones stress should automatically be the others concern.  So how a couple plans an attack of a source of stress is important. 

Dave Chappelle

There are three ways to deal with stress.  The first of which is Appraisal-focused strategies. This method is the changing of ones perception of the problem. To reduce the priority, or find the humor in the matter.  African Americans tend to use this method culturally.  In studying couples counseling sessions, you will tend to find more laughter and humor between African American couples prior to the raw emotions are evoked. 

The consistent and historical stress of the African American experience has manifested a culture that laughs at their common situations, as seen on many  African American comedy stages.  Even the use of the N word is an appraisal-focused coping methodology. 

This predominance within the African American culture has historically saved their sanity, yet in modern times it has created an expectance in the norm to the point that many find little to no problem with the ever increasing dysfunction of certain immoral social interactions.   Being poor and ignorant is a source of stress, yet in some circles, being ignorant is encouraged, because if you are smart, “you are trying to be white, or better than us”.   Read moreRead more


Managing Stress – Part I

There are three main ways to respond to stress.  The first of which is the least productive and can lead to sustained stress that may manifest into poor health or a depression like state.  This first way is called “Passive coping”.  This term refers to not doing anything that will assist in dealing. 

The second method of dealing with stress is called “Primary coping”. This tends to be a relatively immature way of dealing with stressful issues, but due to the immediate satisfaction and short term resolution, it is used often.  This is actually good, but without coupling this tactic with the third and most effective method can be harmful and often times allows issues to manifest into bigger issues.  As well this method can potentially create new stresses.

Thus the most effective way to manage stress is called “Secondary coping”. The name is derived from the fact that this method is used after or in conjunction with one  of the first two.  

So basically if you feel helpless against your source of stress, you may tend to try to ignore it.  If it becomes a serious problem, you will naturally seek happiness and refuse in a Primary coping attempt, such as going out to party, drinking, drugs or other self indulgences.  This is why people who don’t have answers to their shortcomings or the emotional fortitude to weather the storms of their lives are at a higher risk of being addicted or developing co-dependent personalities.  They tend to allow their lives to spiral farther into chaos by inadequately addressing life’s challenges.  A tell-tell sign of this is if you are constantly battling the same issues year in and year out.  In this there is little growth.

But when you use cognitive solutions and a thought process that leads to a plan that you work to rid yourself of the stressful situation, “now you cookin!”  You are taking control of your life with the feeling that you are empowered to defeat all the demons that lurk in your life.  In Part II I’ll delve into how we put these things into play.