It often is falsely assumed that relationships mean that selfishness is placed aside. Oh contraire, it often means that we must put forth greater effort in not getting caught. Yet the actual denouncing of one’s selfishness for the greater good of the health of the relationship, is a sign of maturity and a strong indicator of success.

Now how do we get there? First, we as individuals must always seek improvement in our own character. Secondly, we must carefully and thoughtfully chose to invest emotionally in persons of similar moral character.  Lastly, we must find ways to change our thought process and remind  ourselves of our new and less selfish priorities.  So in times of weakness we may have a safeguard that can catch us before it’s too late.

Once we find that person that we share a mutual desire to move into the future with, we must engage in deep discussions of the direction and destination of our relationship. We will speak of arriving at a place together in the distant future that is filled with beautiful sunsets together. We will say who we will be, where we will be, and how we will be. This conversation will set the stage for future difficult discussions.

ACT 1:

“How could you do that to me??!!” I feel that you are jeopardizing our sunset goals. I know you don’t have any intentions of leaving me for her, but even if you do still love me and you never let her capture your heart, the mere fact that you don’t respect my feelings, changes me. You may need to consider who it is that you want to share those sunset goals with. Is it the confident, trustworthy, trusting woman who loves the man that you represented when we met.  Or do you want me to be a fragile, insecure little girl with low self-esteem who struggles to find reasons to fend off propositions because you can’t seem to do the same.  Now my virtue will be questioned in your eye, just as your manhood is questioned in my eye.

We both are under the obligation to make sunset plans and protect those plans. When something threatens those plans, we need to openly discuss what will be the outcome if those threats are allowed to persist. Please look me in the eye and not only tell me that you love me, but tell me that you want me to love you too. Then imagine life without me.

Is your temporary self gratification worth more than your integrity, your family, my emotional wellbeing and your mistress’s omitted yet realistic emotional goals? I understand that when you are accosted by a beautiful woman who is open to manipulation, your thoughts are only of your instant gratification, sprinkled with the delusion of what is done in the dark will never see the light of day. You think of how good you can make her feel, so she in turn will express to you so that your ego may be boosted even higher than my boosting efforts.

No matter how quickly you can get her into bed, rather it be ten minutes, ten days or ten weeks, try to insert deeper thoughts within that period of time. So you can take other things into consideration. You may not be strong enough to not say hello, or not ask for her phone number. You may not be strong enough to throw the number away, but during a point where you are talking to her or on your way to meet her, try to remember all that is truely beautiful in your life, not just who is “fine as hell”. I hope you will remember that a new toy is not worth the broken promises, crushed hearts and blind sunsets.

Maybe, just maybe there is a way for you to value the reputation and fact that you are an upstanding guy with strong moral virtues rather than being the stud that could and would.  If women view you as such a virtuous man, maybe they will be encouraged to act in accordance with that respect.  From that, not only will you, but they and the world will be a more harmonious place.

Signed: Blind Sunsets

Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Kwame Kilpatrick, Bill Cosby, Rudy Giuliani, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Antonio Villaraigosa. What do these men all have in common?

For many of us, our lives would be very different if men were as strong as women wished they were, sexually speaking. Many of us would have not been born if daddy wasn’t weak. As well, many of us would have been raised by a mommy and daddy under the same roof if men were not so weak.

The one answer to why men cheat that is undisputable but never acceptable to a woman’s ears is “it is Gods plan”. Women go to church far more then men. So they interpret the bible (written by old man) to be Gods will. “War and Peace” was also written by man…but yes I know, “the bible was INSPIRED by God”.

If you watch what animals do, hunt, kill, adapt and survive, they are without sin. I guess because they are not “smart” enough to read the bible. Less than 5% of mammals are monogamous, the prairie vole, black vulture and beavers to name a few. I’m not trying to defend men’s actions; I feel this web site display’s my ideal position. But we are discussing practicality here. If there were no difference between the two, this site would not exist.

If you capture a tiger and feed it everyday, will it loose its instinct to hunt? Will it not ever turn on you? Don’t ask Siegfried and Roy. But many men won’t admit to a social scientist this activity so there is no real way of knowing the percentage. As far as the scandalous-o-meter goes, women are holding their own. Who does more sexual dirt, men or women? That is another easy answer, that women turn a deaf ear again… I’ll put it to you like this, excluding homosexual activity, every time a man has sex, guess what… so does a woman. Ahhah. I majored in Quantitative Econometrics, so trust the numbers. “He lied to me and said he wasn’t in a relationship” mmmhm, you lied to yourself when you believed what you wanted to believe.

I know you are awaiting my answer to the titled question, but my only answer is when I’m faced with a presented opportunity I recite in my head:

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

I need others to help me out with the answer to this one.

Anyone…Anyone???

Bueller…Bueller

(Crickets in the background…)

We will never find one person with all the qualities that we want. We have to give up some part of our “perfect person” simply because no one is perfect. We can construct a perfect person by taking parts or characteristics from many ex’s and roll them up in one perfect fantasy husband or wife.

“Dude, if she had the brains of Ariana, the tits of Liz, the ass of Tamara, the sense of humor of Nikki, plus a mute button, I’d be the happiest man in the world!”

So who get’s the prize? The one you love the most? Just as we shouldn’t pick the one with the most money, or the best arm trophy, love is only one aspect. A woman who loves a man that hits her may want to look at more than just love.

This flashback process assisted me in assuring myself that I was making the right decision to marry. My wife will tell you it was true and raw love that kept her with me when I was tripping. Raw love is great, but love without deep consideration of the commitment can get you in a situation that fades to black like a sunset. Being the over-analytical man that I am, I quantified all qualities by placing a numerical value from 1 through 5 to each of the aspects that I value in a woman. My wife’s value is incredibly off the chart. I couldn’t imagine living with the irritating splinter in the heart that people must feel while married to the wrong person, knowing there was a better match out there. I’ve known many people who felt very unfulfilled within their marriage, and to discuss with them where things went wrong, I can’t really pinpoint a particular juncture.

Love, trust, virtuosity, mutuality, intelligence, leadership, respect, money, stability, sense of humor, passion, appearance, power, strength, success, sensitivity…

The feelings that I’ve had for women in the past have prepared me and created a readiness for true love. There is no way this love is puppy love, this is grown folk love now. From my experience I am a better man. I know what it’s like to lose love, and to be torn and hurt. I now understand how my selfish actions can end in watching someone cry over me. That really burns the soul and forces me two steps further away from heaven. This power to hurt should be avoided with preemptive conscience.

Now I can take that experience and learn how to love my wife to the fullest extent of my existence. I think all of our experiences of the past are stepping stones that we stack up as we learn ourselves and learn what this world has to offer us. We step upward to the point we are ready to place a wife on the highest pedestal. Now we look up to her, love her like no other and kiss her deserving feet. I truly thank my wife for being more than I’ve ever seen, felt or known. Yet she still said yes, because I was lucky and ready.

May we all obtain and maintain

Date number #1 – Coffee, juice bar, drinks, the beach. Spend no more than 3 hours of wages or $50.

Date number #2 – If date #1 had an inconclusive emotional connection, repeat #1. If there was a good connection, Spend 4 hours of wages or $75.

Date number #3 – If you are really feeling this woman and she has given you a reason to think she is feeling you, and not just using your money for entertainment on a Thursday night, Spend as much as you want.

Date number #4 – There is no date #4. She must ask you out and offer to pay. If she doesn’t pay by date #4 you may visit, hang out with her and meet her places and go dutch on the bill. If she questions you about paying, tell her that you don’t want to interfere or interrupt her independence, and you want to give her an opportunity to prove that money is not an object between you.

I’ve received a bit of hater mail as of lately. The hater mails all seem to point to the notion that I think I’m some kind of expert, falsely perfect or that I’m saying I got all the answers. Quite contraire…I’m just as lost as everyone else. This site is just a light to help guide not only my readers, but me too. I don’t have answers to give; I just have suggestions to share. Given the fact that we all have, or have had a dark side, I’m reserving this article for those of us who have something SCANDALOUS to share. Anonymously place comments below that exhibits how scandalous you have been in the past. Change the names to protect the guilty.

At half time, we turned the TV down and the 10 year old was introduced from the back room. He appeared with a sheet of paper in his hand and he proceeded to begin a comedic monolog, sharing about 15 jokes, some where pretty funny. With the exception of one insensitive comment by Joe, the other adults were very encouraging.

I’m open to others perception, but I believe there is a cultural difference between certain sub-cultures within our society that at its most effective core, affects our networking or social interaction.

Pyramiding: For visualization sake, let’s say each person is building a pyramid. We stand on the top of our own pyramid. Our goal is to build a strong, wide and tall structure. We use the strength and height of people who are represented by bricks in our pyramid. If we only build a one dimensional flat pyramid, we may fall forward or backwards. If we build it with four corners going North, South, East and West, we may have stability. If we use tall bricks we may reach the sky quicker. Tall bricks are people with a large network or vast knowledge that we may avail ourselves of in the future.    

If we have felons, disloyal and unethical people as our foundation, it is only a matter of time when some of their crisis crumbles our pyramid simply by our association. This is why President Obama had to remove the brick of Reverend Wright from his network to avoid collapse. It is difficult to be so choosy when so many from your natural environment have shady past. We can’t disown family or childhood friends so easily. The strong friends and family should be the foundation. The ones who loved you before you were rich.  Our enemies if we so chose, should be towards the top, so as to not crumble what is dependant from above. Hence the term, “keep your friend close, and your enemies closer”.

The group that understands and practices this concept of pyramid networking, is looked at by the groups that don’t subscribe to such thought as being “fake and phony”. This feeling is accompanied by mistrust and unwillingness to participate for fear of future backstabbing, which is a legitimate threat. A good friend of mine refuses to act anyway outside of his true self. He feels as if he should not change who he is to fit anyone else’s idea. He has a very strong will and will live and die by his convictions. His personal comfort trumps any perceived social gain. If you have ever watched the new wave of reality TV shows where they have Black people interacting with whites, you’ll notice the term used by Blacks “Keep it Real” or “I’m being Real”. This implies, that “I’m not going to smile in your face and act like I like you and tell you only what you may want to hear. Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth, keep it real and I don’t give a damn if it hurts your feelings. This “attitude” is not viewed positively when trying to build a strong pyramid. Yet the Black culture would rather you know what you are going to get from each relationship.

Pyramiders believe that, “I’d rather do a fake song and dance so that if I need something from you, I’ll be in a better position to get it in the future.” This is a strong contrast between the two cultures. This difference makes Blacks appear to be unnecessarily hostile and ineffective in social and business situations. You can’t beat someone in Chess, while using the rules from checkers.

Being that I am multicultural in that I have extensive relations on both sides of this spectrum, I see that we as Black people have not advanced beyond the mistrust of our history. We have not seen the long term benefits of making ourselves uncomfortable now so that we may benefit somehow in the future. In our culture, bullshiters get called a Muthafucka.

The Black culture is generally more emotion based. Emotional reactions are stronger and more important than intellectual reactions. It is difficult to teach this to our children, but the understanding and balancing of the differences may be a step in the right direction. Some parents may be challenged in emphasizing proper speech and greeting skills in social situations in order to improve their children’s comfort in breaking through barriers.

Kings over Rooks

Stratosphering: Once we get over the Pyramiding issue, the second challenge is what I call the Stratosphering Effect. This is when you meet someone and they automatically take their first impression of you and categorize you. If this is done to you, and you feel as if this person has placed you beneath him, you may feel belittled or patronized by their superiority complex. This often occurs and is at times a miscommunication between cultures. Many of my African-American friends discuss there resentment regarding this situation. It is a difficult fight to get in there and mix it up without growing a chip on your shoulder due to this perceived Stratosphering. Yet one technique I’ve used is the understanding that superiority complexes are a disadvantage, and I can utilize that lowered expectation as an advantage in this game of Chess. Hence I don’t get offended as my friend does when he feels it is his obligation to put people in their place right there on the spot. He burns many bridges while sitting on an island.

Black people who are attempting to be multicultural need to understand that it is not a black or white thing; it is a test that everyone has to go through so that you can be placed in the right layer of one’s pyramid. If you don’t have anything to offer a relationship, then you will be discounted, rightfully so in this complex game of Chess. The problem lies in the bias nature of the test. The way we speak, and our attitude towards certain issues makes us susceptible to not being fully accepted. To complicate it even further, we often have peer pressure to not be fully accepted for the risk of getting our ghetto pass revoked, or being labeled a sell out by our natural environment. The balance I use in my mind is that it is all about the papers, dinero, duckets, the loot… your move.

I taught my children Chess at age 3

We on both sides of this coin need to understand this issue. White people are getting more and more acclimated to the differences due to the popularity of the hip-hop culture. Many are actually seeking out “Black friends”. I educate them on my culture, as I gain valuable knowledge of theirs. So when they make an insensitive comment, I let is roll off my shoulder. Check! We as Black people need to develop a better stance within these dilemmas to pass to the next generation, so they may move forward without the chip on their shoulder and get involved in a wider range of opportunities. You can’t beat someone in Chess, while using the rules from checkers…Checkmate!

Michelangelo's David

Originally published 3/30/09
Men need women for one reason only, that is to stroke their manhood. Manhood in a broader sense than just anatomy.  The definition of an independent woman and the definition of Manhood are different for each person. Yet as a couple, the two definitions must be agreed upon through discussion and practice.  This is what makes good matches last. After the relevance of exterior beauty fades, two people must agree on what limits her independence has, as well as how large is his manhood. Size does matter, every woman wants a man with a huge manhood. Every man portrays a huge manhood, even if he is lying to himself or the world. Sometimes in the heat of an argument a woman will swing a low blow by questioning a man’s manhood,

“Just be a man and tell me the truth!”

He thinks, “What? First of all, you don’t have a clue as to what manhood is” She thinks a “real man” would just fess up to his wrong doing, or automatically know when why and how he hurt her. For self preservation, men often deny that doing wrong is a negative reflection of their manhood. In actuality, he may have cheated on her or disregarded her feelings for the paramount reason of proving to himself that his manhood is strong. These incidences are when stark contrast are evident and must be hammered out between the two. Yet to preempt these arguments with a continuous conversation to better adjoin definitions will stave off a few miscommunications.

 Highly independent women tend to be less willing to stroke, what they perceive as shrinking manhoods. Their strong ways leave them less opportunity or less necessity to do those things that build men up and allows him to feel good about his role in the relationship. This is evident when men are threatened by a women’s success. He feels she may not need him as much and this translates into his perception of less manhood stroking; he feels emotionally neglected. If my wife received a promotion that increased her income to 40% higher than mine, will I feel uncomfortable? I say no, but men will not admit to this very often. According to my many interviews with women, many men respond negatively to women’s bold exhibitions of independence. There is a point where a woman’s drive and success become uncomfortable for the “average” man.  Some men’s manhood becomes threatened when a woman is reluctant to sit back and

“Let me handle this situation, woman”

and a power struggle ensues. This often marks the beginning of the end of the relationship that is slowly dying on the vine. As her confidence, income or education increases an “average” man may respond by doing things that take away from his image in her eyes.   She watches his manhood shrink. No woman wants to stroke a small manhood.

We can’t isolate people according to their views or definitions, but we can categorize people according to their current situations. So if we ask women that are 40ish+ that have never been married nor have children, we may be able to have a dialogue that sheds light on the ability to stay true to the higher standards that they deserve.  Many lesser women settle for less and live in regret while having children with the wrong man.  Many of these women soon learn the importance of recapturing and embracing their independence.

So if you are a self described Independent woman, 40ish+, never married, with no children I beg the question: “What is wrong with these men?” Please comment and let us know how you’ve managed to maintain a high standard and not settle on the inadequacies that are out there?   Yet if you are an independent women who once lost your independence and allowed the wrong man in your life, please share your enlightenment so that we can all see.

Coming of age in the 80’s, my dad told me that men are natural hunters and when a man really wants a woman he will pursue her. He said that a man may deal with a women who pursues him but most likely she is just somebody to pass the time until the one he really wants comes along. I’ve always believed his theory and have governed myself by this principle. Meaning I really do not pursue men and since most women back 15-20 years ago seemed to govern themselves the same it was all good. But now it appears that women have become the more aggressive gender and it seems that it is the norm for women to do the hunting and to pursue the man. I have begun to wonder if possibly this is an outdated theory.

So my questions to you are, first do you believe that this was ever a valid theory and if so, have men lost their instinct to hunt? If a women is looking for a lifetime mate and not just a hook up, is it okay for a woman to pursue a man for this intent? Is there anything instinctual in a man to want to choose his mate or is it acceptable to a man for the woman to choose him?

Signed: Outdating

Dear Outdating, this is a great common dilemma. I’ve spoken to many people who are frankly afraid of the new dive back into the dating pool. The first problem is that they don’t have that fearless / recklessness of their youth. The second factor is that they are competing with a much younger stock of suitors. Thirdly is the maturing of their patience which is less tolerant of drama that others may bring.

My particular experience may not be the norm in regards to dating. So I may need commentators’ assistance on this one. Yet traditionally, men were hunters, and women were trappers. Men hunt short term ass, women trap long term commitment. Now the rolls are slowly evolving. Women are hunting a bit more and trapping less. I discovered early in life that women where trappers. From the tears of girls in high school pleading that they loved me, to the “I’m pregnant with your baby”, of my 20’s, to the ultimatums of my 30’s. Now men’s obligation to make the first move is diminishing. But after a man shows his skill-set, the tide would change. Either she would see value in him and slowly begin to pursue (trap) him more and more. Or if his skill-set was seriously deficient, he would have to manufacture value in being flashy or over compensating with material assets in order to keep the woman interested.

At this late stage in the game, the frauds are exposed. Older people can sniff out a fake, women know from the start that the Range Rover and Motorcycle is a front for the fact that he can’t hold a conversation. The amount of quality available people in the dating pool is limited. Yet the pool is full of people you don’t want, and you walk right past them every day.

The men with the skill-set that you want are so few and far between that they know they are a hot commodity so they choose slow. Matter of a fact, they may not choose at all. They sit back with a smooth approach just to allow you the opportunity to bid for their time.

We as a society are moving toward a world where marriage and commitment means little to nothing (except in the gay community- how nice would it be to have heterosexual black men take to the streets in protest for the importance of marriage). Post-women’s Liberation movement, between women trading-up to better men, and men collecting women like a hobby, we are left to teach our daughters to be independent and not count on a man. Women are more educated and higher paid, so to date to no means tends to be the trend.

Popularity of women’s independence while forcing monogamy on the male species are in direct contradiction to each other. We are living a conundrum where the answer is a tailspin. With independence comes aggressiveness in women, which creates opportunity for men. With successful monogamy comes less opportunity; hence a contradiction.

I don’t believe men have lost their instinct to hunt, they have adapted to their prey by mastering the skill of the passive trap (and release). If you want a man to commit to you and be faithful to you, you have to first come to terms with the fact that this is against our nature. From that perspective, then maybe women can come up with a better solution. But to be in denial of this fact will always entail heartache.

A successful relationship is where two people meet in the middle. If one is required to make all the moves and carry the relationship, either he will get tired, or the other party is not interested anyway. So it doesn’t matter who initiates pursuit. Be only willing to go half way and wait a short while for the other person to do his part. If not, move on.

While in a relationship, where are the boundaries regarding friends of the opposite sex? If your man has many female friends how do you cope with that? Do you tell him to end all acquaintances? Do you tell him that you have to meet all of them? Do you say “hell no” to ex-girl friends who he claims are “just friends” now? Remember, what ever way you lay down the law, it must apply to you as well. Many women don’t trust other women around their men. They feel that men are weak (imagine that) and “bitches are scandalous”.

On the flip side, where the woman has male friends the man may think, “he doesn’t want to be your friend, he waiting for the opportunity to get into your panties. Now the man has to take a hard look at his own philosophy. Some cultures where the men think of the women as weak and submissive, they tend to oppress their women and go out of their way to protect them from predator men who are out to take advantage of the weaker sex. More advanced societies that have had a liberation of women tend to respect women’s rights and abilities to say no and draw the line. As a man you need to know your own strategy. Smother and accuse or trust and believe.

How committed you are to a relationship may vary. Your actions or willingness to cut ties may depend on your level of commitment, but how often are you in a relationship where you are verbally monogamous but undecided internally? Many people who are not ready for monogamy still give the impression of monogamy to the person they are in a relationship with in order to keep the other person faithful. One person my pressure the other to make the commitment, and they agree prematurely. Many men can not be monogamist but they continually enter into relationships because they feel that is what the woman wants, or he thinks that is the only way to get what he wants from that woman. I don’t believe that most cheaters are actually trying but simply fail. Most know that they won’t be successful, but they enter in anyway. Some may feel that monogamy is for marriage, yet prior to that they just try not to get caught.

This is one of the difficult aspects of building a strong relationship. The purpose of the relationship by definition is the sharing of life’s experiences for a perceived future time frame. A random guy that you enjoy a movie with has no expectation of future dates. The stronger the relationship, the further in the future the relationship is perceived to exist. Third wheels and just friends are viewed as threats to the longevity of a relationship, thereby creating insecurity. There also is an aspect of sacrifice regarding a relationship. If the relationship is one of high level commitment, then more sacrifice and consideration of the others feelings and desires is expected.

Regarding third wheels or just friends, my thought is if a person is going to cheat on you and not uphold his or her end of the deal, it’s going to happen regardless of if you are introduced to friends, or if they talk to them on the phone in your presence, or never let you know they exist. I believe that monogamy is a commitment one makes to his/her God. God will know even if her man never finds out. So your choices are to end the relationship, regulate, trust her or trust God.

So the question is begged, can people of opposite sexes be “just friends”?

Danger

Unique

Cocktail

Last nights season finale left me with a few questions regarding the types of women men want. The final three female candidates lined up perfectly in that there was the crazy one that you know is going to cost you, but you’ll have so much fun between psychotic episodes.  There was the Strong conservative woman who has direction and focus.  And thirdly, you have the one that has the perfect body but that’s about all she has to offer. 

The 3rd runner up was a big favorite, “Danger”, with a tattoo of a tiger on her face. My first impression was that she was crazy, and at the end it appeared that she was a bit unstable. Yet she was “mad sexy”. I don’t like tattoo’s but she rocked hers pretty damn hard. The second runner up, was my choice from day one, and obviously the most put together women on the show, Unique. Beautiful, smart and classy (relatively speaking). The ultimate winner was Cocktail. Fun, cool with a perfect sexy body.

Stereotypically we can categorize these women and discuss what type of man it takes to manage a relationship with each. Unique was a mixed sister with a white father and a Black mother. Ray J visited Unique’s family and it was obvious that the mother ran the house and was a strong figure in the home. Ray J said that Unique’s mother reminded him of his mother, who is also a strong Black woman who will voice her opinion and demands respect. Ray J felt a nervous pressure, yet felt a cultural connection to the family.

Ray J also visited Cocktails home. A traditional Mexican household where the women were in the kitchen preparing the meals and serving the men as they sat in waiting at the dining room table. Cocktails mother did not speak English and Ray J expressed a cultural disconnect with the family. He wasn’t nervous but obviously enjoyed Unique’s family more.

Ray J

Ray J chose Cocktail as the winner of his heart at the conclusion. My wife and I had a debate on what type of man is willing and able to deal with a strong woman, as opposed to going the path of less resistance with a woman who is more easy-going and allows the man more leeway in running the relationship? This is a tough argument due to the fact that submissive women can just as easily hold a grudge and flip out on a man who oppresses her long enough. As well, strong independent women gain more respect when their decision making process is closer to the man’s, hence doesn’t appear to be too random or illogical to a man. There is nothing more irritating than a strong independent stupid person.

The ultimate conclusion my wife and I could agree on was that a strong (willed) man needs to use that power to “respect” the will of a strong woman. If he were to be with a weaker woman, it would simply require less respect. Now respect in relationships is defined as having patience, discipline and faith. With weaker women who may be more dependent on a man, not as much patience, discipline or faith is required. The stronger the woman the more a man has to consider the women’s desires and needs due to her low willingness to compromise and sacrifice. Weaker women, may initially be easier to bond with for weaker men. Thus, a weaker man is more prone to go the path of less resistance and choose a less independent woman. After this initial phase of power struggle/establishment, the relationship turns towards the importance of the levels of self-confidence and mutual trust going forward.

I hear many “Independent” women question the strength of the man that travels the path of less resistance. Personally on one hand, I’m not sure why anyone would travel a path of more resistance. Yet on the other hand, a strong man sees the benefit in having a strong woman. As a strong man I find that I have more struggles with strong women but more benefit as well, because they normally are better equipped to coincide and connect with my strength and make me even stronger.

Ultimately, men who have weaker women end up carrying a larger load. I’ve witnessed many of my elders burn-out by having to be that “all” for a dependent women.  A woman should not put everthing on a man’s shoulders.  She has to be ultimately responsible for her own happiness and success.  Yet there is no certain right or wrong road.

Happy travels.