We will never find one person with all the qualities that we want. We have to give up some part of our “perfect person” simply because no one is perfect. We can construct a perfect person by taking parts or characteristics from many ex’s and roll them up in one perfect fantasy husband or wife.

“Dude, if she had the brains of Ariana, the tits of Liz, the ass of Tamara, the sense of humor of Nikki, plus a mute button, I’d be the happiest man in the world!”

So who get’s the prize? The one you love the most? Just as we shouldn’t pick the one with the most money, or the best arm trophy, love is only one aspect. A woman who loves a man that hits her may want to look at more than just love.

This flashback process assisted me in assuring myself that I was making the right decision to marry. My wife will tell you it was true and raw love that kept her with me when I was tripping. Raw love is great, but love without deep consideration of the commitment can get you in a situation that fades to black like a sunset. Being the over-analytical man that I am, I quantified all qualities by placing a numerical value from 1 through 5 to each of the aspects that I value in a woman. My wife’s value is incredibly off the chart. I couldn’t imagine living with the irritating splinter in the heart that people must feel while married to the wrong person, knowing there was a better match out there. I’ve known many people who felt very unfulfilled within their marriage, and to discuss with them where things went wrong, I can’t really pinpoint a particular juncture.

Love, trust, virtuosity, mutuality, intelligence, leadership, respect, money, stability, sense of humor, passion, appearance, power, strength, success, sensitivity…

The feelings that I’ve had for women in the past have prepared me and created a readiness for true love. There is no way this love is puppy love, this is grown folk love now. From my experience I am a better man. I know what it’s like to lose love, and to be torn and hurt. I now understand how my selfish actions can end in watching someone cry over me. That really burns the soul and forces me two steps further away from heaven. This power to hurt should be avoided with preemptive conscience.

Now I can take that experience and learn how to love my wife to the fullest extent of my existence. I think all of our experiences of the past are stepping stones that we stack up as we learn ourselves and learn what this world has to offer us. We step upward to the point we are ready to place a wife on the highest pedestal. Now we look up to her, love her like no other and kiss her deserving feet. I truly thank my wife for being more than I’ve ever seen, felt or known. Yet she still said yes, because I was lucky and ready.

May we all obtain and maintain

Within 30 seconds they are up in each others faces daring each other to “bust a move”.  So your man proceeds to take all his might to this guys jaw bone, but before your mans fist can make contact, the guys pinpoint jab hits your man dead in the forehead.  Next thing you see is your man falling in slow motion to the floor like an Oak tree in the woods. He hits the floor and doesn’t move as he is knocked totally unconscious for a good 2 minutes.

After the crowd clears, and security assists (carries) your man to his car, you began to try to grasp the nights sudden unfolding of events.  Does this affect his manhood in your eye? Is your ability to look at him as the strong protector gone forever?  What is the conversation in the car like?

Michelangelo's David

Originally published 3/30/09
Men need women for one reason only, that is to stroke their manhood. Manhood in a broader sense than just anatomy.  The definition of an independent woman and the definition of Manhood are different for each person. Yet as a couple, the two definitions must be agreed upon through discussion and practice.  This is what makes good matches last. After the relevance of exterior beauty fades, two people must agree on what limits her independence has, as well as how large is his manhood. Size does matter, every woman wants a man with a huge manhood. Every man portrays a huge manhood, even if he is lying to himself or the world. Sometimes in the heat of an argument a woman will swing a low blow by questioning a man’s manhood,

“Just be a man and tell me the truth!”

He thinks, “What? First of all, you don’t have a clue as to what manhood is” She thinks a “real man” would just fess up to his wrong doing, or automatically know when why and how he hurt her. For self preservation, men often deny that doing wrong is a negative reflection of their manhood. In actuality, he may have cheated on her or disregarded her feelings for the paramount reason of proving to himself that his manhood is strong. These incidences are when stark contrast are evident and must be hammered out between the two. Yet to preempt these arguments with a continuous conversation to better adjoin definitions will stave off a few miscommunications.

 Highly independent women tend to be less willing to stroke, what they perceive as shrinking manhoods. Their strong ways leave them less opportunity or less necessity to do those things that build men up and allows him to feel good about his role in the relationship. This is evident when men are threatened by a women’s success. He feels she may not need him as much and this translates into his perception of less manhood stroking; he feels emotionally neglected. If my wife received a promotion that increased her income to 40% higher than mine, will I feel uncomfortable? I say no, but men will not admit to this very often. According to my many interviews with women, many men respond negatively to women’s bold exhibitions of independence. There is a point where a woman’s drive and success become uncomfortable for the “average” man.  Some men’s manhood becomes threatened when a woman is reluctant to sit back and

“Let me handle this situation, woman”

and a power struggle ensues. This often marks the beginning of the end of the relationship that is slowly dying on the vine. As her confidence, income or education increases an “average” man may respond by doing things that take away from his image in her eyes.   She watches his manhood shrink. No woman wants to stroke a small manhood.

We can’t isolate people according to their views or definitions, but we can categorize people according to their current situations. So if we ask women that are 40ish+ that have never been married nor have children, we may be able to have a dialogue that sheds light on the ability to stay true to the higher standards that they deserve.  Many lesser women settle for less and live in regret while having children with the wrong man.  Many of these women soon learn the importance of recapturing and embracing their independence.

So if you are a self described Independent woman, 40ish+, never married, with no children I beg the question: “What is wrong with these men?” Please comment and let us know how you’ve managed to maintain a high standard and not settle on the inadequacies that are out there?   Yet if you are an independent women who once lost your independence and allowed the wrong man in your life, please share your enlightenment so that we can all see.

The Demasculinity of the Black man: Reverse masculinity is a term that I coined to represent the unique situation that plagues the black community. I will explain the development not by chronological order, but starting with the history of “The Pimp Game”. The popularity of the urban Pimp is a result of unemployable men attempting to find manhood in allowing women to degrade themselves in the effort to support him. Masculinity is defined by the ability to protect and provide material comforts and safety. Yet having a woman walk the streets and sell her body for money to bring to a man is not an exhibition of male masculinity. Flashy clothes, over-the-top jewelry and expensive cars where a false extension of a non-existent manhood to mask the fact that pimps were actually punks that exploited their own women with great detriment to their own communities.

The crack epidemic of the 1980’s caused women to be so strung out that they cut out the need for a pimp and offered prostitution services for fractions of a viable price level. The hip-hop culture of the 1990’s morphed the meaning of the word “pimp” to be a synonym of “player”. The words pimp and player are currently interchangeable, but both represent a man that chooses to use multiple women for superficial reasons while feeling guiltless regarding any damage to the spirit of the multitude of women involved.

To this day, there is a large percentage of the urban male population that, due to a lack of academic success, disenfranchisement and felonious activity are unable to build a solid and stable foundation to house the responsibility of a family. Hence these men tend to not be the true providers of the household. They struggle for power and comfort in a household that is truly being secured by a more educated, more mature and more independent woman. These men tend to walk with a swagger, have their chest out and lean to the right while driving. These, like the flash of the old school pimp, are tactics to make up for the truth of inadequacy.

The source of this reverse masculinity can be traced back to the Willie Lynch slavery doctrine of 1712 . The doctrine called for the training of slave women to be the independent foundation and the man to be ineffective leaders, mentally weak and physically strong. Willie Lynch was a West Indies slave-owner that taught techniques to dominate and enslave the mind of Africans. His intent was to dominate and humiliate the image of the Black male in the eye of the Black female. From that point she would never look at him as a leader. Lynch knew that the Black mother was the first teacher of the slave, so by controlling her, he could control the mentality of the next generation. In order to hold on to her sons, she’d slow his development so that slave master would not feel as if the young sons were ready to be sold to another plantation. She raised her daughter to be strong and independent as she coddled her son in fear of the eventual separation. In return, the males learned to depend on a woman, and once he was sold at the age of 12, he would often find a surrogate mother to take care of him at the new plantation. This is where Black men first learned to be dependent on multiple women in a subordinate roll.

Willie Lynch delivered a speech on the bank of the James River in 1712. “I have a foolproof method for controlling your Black slaves. I guarantee every one of you that if installed correctly, it will control the slaves for at least 300 years.” He was obviously correct. Barrack Obama will be completing his first term as President of the United States when Lynches 300 year promise expires. So I ask you, in 2012, after having a great role model who controlled the free world, WHAT WILL THE BLACK FAMILY LOOK LIKE?

Today we had our monthly Men’s meeting. 15 men ages 17 to 60 converged at Joe’s house for some BBQ on his back porch. I brought Jarell, one of my little brothers from Big Brothers of America. This was the first meeting he has attended since we’ve been doing them. I met Jarell when he was 12, he is now 24. He came over my house to discuss a business proposition two days ago. He expressed his short attention span and how he has so many interests yet he lacks the focus to see things from start to finish. I’ve always been concerned for Jarell. But after today I know Jarell will be just fine in life.   

Jarell was the star of this meeting. His insight regarding his own generation and his ability to quote authors and tie in history to validate his point was magnificent. Even his questions were on point. The elders of the group all agreed that Jarell gave them a bit of knowledge that has created a deeper dimension to their understanding of the younger generation.

The beauty of our meetings is that no one speaks down to another; we all are there to receive as well as deposit knowledge and perspective. I believe Jarell’s A.D.D. is a part of his seeking of life’s lessons from differing angels. I know that with a sprinkle more of maturity Jarell will find his niche and rip a hole in this world and make his own positive mark of representation.

Because of you she will see the world from a new perspective, if she opens her eyes

Have you heard this popular saying from the 1950’s negro migration North: “You can take the nigga out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the nigga”.  I used to hate that saying. Even though I didn’t subscribe to it, I knew there always was some ghetto in me that I could pull out at any given moment.  How about this old popular saying of the 1960’s in the South: What do you call an educated black man?…  A nigga.  If I make the wrong move, I can be locked up with all the other fools through a court system that hates black men almost as bad as black men hate themselves.

How you build a pyramid  will influence your rationale (see my article on pyramiding- entitled Complex game of Chess).  But that can only take you so far.  If you are like me and you came from the hood after building a juvenile criminal record that would be the pride of any life long criminal, then try to emerge into a world with limitless boundaries, you have to learn how to suppress the urge to act on the tribal instinct that you were taught in tribal societies.  In a governmental society, the police and civil court is a legitimate way to resolve big problems.  On the other hand tribal warfare will be fueled by rage given the need to display your ego publicly.  In a tribe, you can not show any signs of weakness, and often times that translates to not showing any signs of intelligence. If you don’t know the difference, that is a discredit to your level of intellect. 

I recently had a disagreement on this site through the comment section of my article “Because they don’t read”, this episode made me so angry that I weaponed up in anticipation of a big through down. I told my Republican/Governmental type friends what happened. They laughed at me and said there is nothing that could be said on-line that would make them want to take it to that level. They followed it up with a question of why do some people self destruct like that. They where referring to tribal people. The discussion lead to the fact that intellectual people fight with their minds, if that weapon is not big enough people rely on their fist. As a matter of a fact, intellectual people will use the tribal people to go to foreign land to fight that physical fight and die for them, now that is smart.

So when someone steps on my brand new pair of shoes (ego), I just might act instinctually and publicly protect my ego.  We’ve discussed on my article “Ms. Independent”, that if I were to act out of manhood, I’d be more considerate of how my beating of my chest will ultimately hurt the vary people I claim to protect.  Remember ego is selfish, manhood is smart.    

Have you ever been in a situation that made you so mad that you instinctually wanted to get physical, but actually thought that course of action would only make your situation worse, so you chose to handle the situation in a more peaceful way?

I live in guilt for my choice or inability to be a full time dad to my children.  It eats at my subconscious that it didn’t go as it should have.  In an effort to make the biggest impact I may have pushed my son too far.  I may have done more damage than good.  I sit in the middle of this road and think to my self, where is my son? Why is he not right behind me, he is not responding, he is not motivated to be or do.  Why? Have I failed him?  I need help understanding what to do.  My grand plan of a Rite of passage ceremony seems not to bare any fruit. 

I struggle to be better, to impact my spirit positively, and to positively impact those for whom my heart carries love.  I struggle daily with my role in bringing a clearer view of adulthood to my children.  Is it my job to be a part of those decisions, or shall I sit in the background and allow my children to find their own way? Every young person has the divine right to their own visions. Rites of passage have been the birthright of young people since the dawn of time. Nearly all tribal cultures provide their young with an opportunity to seek their own vision and enter into adulthood with a spiritual connection to the Universe.

Western Civilization is unique in its denial of such Rites. Vision quests are not considered the proper pursuit for the youth of the masses.  This thought is reserved for the elite. Initiation into adulthood comes without any real ceremony or spiritual training. Young people are brainwashed and forced to conform by inadequate and compulsory education, and they are then dumped into boring lives in the hive. Slave drones are created that take their wants and needs from clever commercials during the Super bowl.  These commercials are created by CEO’s that get annual bonuses equal to our mothers total life time earnings. We validate ourselves through the purchase of their goods, while they underpay us eight times per day. 

In Judaism, the “Bar Mitzvah” literally means “son of the commandment.” “Bar” is “son” in Aramaic, which used to be the vernacular of the Jewish people.. “Mitzvah” is “commandment” in both Hebrew and Aramaic. However, the term is more commonly used to refer to the coming of age ceremony. 

A catechism  means “to sound down into the ears”, i.e. to indoctrinate into a traditional application of Christian faith and lifestyle mainly focused towards young people for guidance and reliance upon a power greater than thou. 

I created a Rite of Passage ceremony for my son to enlist my village in raising my son to manhood. 

As we sit around this fire, under these stars at this camp ground build by God, we, father and son, would like to thank our Honored Mentors in this monumental event.   Your caring support through the past years is appreciated and recognized as most invaluable.  Thank you for accepting such an important and active roll in raising my son through example.  You are the village, so all the successes of this child will be a success for us all to share.  In addition, all the failures of this child shall be turned into learning experiences to build upon through support, encouragement and discussion.

Honored Mentors                 Topics

Timothy                                 Seeking and maintaining Manhood

Jefferson                                Honesty & Loyalty

Wallace                                  Life long pursuit of growth through knowledge

Brandy                                   What role should women play in your life

Concluding the ceremony my son states for each mentor:  I respect my Big Brother Almighty Timothy.  He has committed to assisting me in my journey towards manhood.  In order to be recognized as a man by him I have accepted the challenges he has set before me. 

On that day in August, my son was a not so enthused participant.  His efforts at these tasks have lacked luster to say the least.  Maybe it is too much, maybe I expect the impossible.  But as a look around I see so many blind efforts, such lack of support and guidance at this thing called life.  I’m sure you all will agree that this thing called life is not easy.  So how do we bridge gaps for our youth so they may be elevated and educated and not become permanently wounded by the blows that life throws.   Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Sometimes I feel I need someone to help me see what I’m missing.???