Traditions represent values – Happy Kwanzaa

If we are to improve and strengthen our families, we must be conscious of how we interact as a unit.  One of the two effective ways to monitor that and make changes for the better is to institute a route of family interaction, such as family dinner time, or lunch after church.  The second way is by instituting family traditions.  If you think of how your family interacts during special times of the year while taking stock in the value of each tradition, you may find room for improvement.  

One of the major things the Black community lacks is leadership.  This starts in the home, and normally with the man.  If a household has a man, and no rich traditions that bond the family members emotionally, who is at fault?  Regardless of who is running the household, someone should step up and get everyone’s full participation in traditions that have more positive affects than negative.  Each tradition should have more than one purpose.  Traditions should be symbolic in nature, thus be of deeper meaning than “that’s the way my grandmother did it”.  So if you are the leader of your house, what are your children going to do with your grandchildren due to your conscious effort to pass down rituals that assist in your grandchildren’s feelings of belonging and worth?

Created in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga, Kwanzaa is an African American and Pan-African holiday celebrated by millions throughout the global African community.  Celebrated from December 26^th to January 1^st, its purpose is the reaffirmation of the dignity and integrity of the human person and his community and culture.

Kwanzaa is an example of traditions that far outreaches just individual families, but Dr. Karenga’s purpose is to reach a world-wide community. Kwanzaa was created to introduce and reinforce seven basic values of African culture which contribute to building and reinforcing family, community and culture among the global Pan-African community. See the “Celebration of Kwanzaa” link in the right margin of this site.

So I pose the questions to the head of your family, what traditions does your family have? Are any of them more harmful to the diet or longevity of your family? Is there room for improvement? And whose job is it to make these changes?

I pray that God comforts your heart

I pray that God comforts your heart, eases your pain and guides you to the best understanding for whatever you may be unclear about. I myself lost my mother at a much younger age and I find myself getting mad at her because she didn’t disclose to me a lot of pertinent information that would  have been advantages to me as a young girl entering adulthood, a world of deception, greed, hidden agendas and…… well, I also acquired  (with maturity) the understanding that, she did the best she could with what she had, what she learned, how she was raised and the people she kept in her company. I still love her, miss her and wonder what kind of relationship she and I would have today, as adults. Your openness made me cry, but now I’m smiling becuase I know that we both will have peace regarding our mothers.

Signed: Sistah Love

What is a father-less woman to do?

Thanksgiving began with our usual family gathering of me, my sister, brother and his wife and their daughter, my mother and my newly added husband and stepdaughter. This is the first time we’ve all gotten together since my wedding last May. This year my big brother, who during my childhood was the man of my house, decided go around the table and recite what we were thankful for. He told his 8 year old daughter to begin. ” I’m thankful for my mommy, daddy, auntie, grandma,” etc. After dinner we proceeded to the living room to watch a movie, the usual after holiday dinner ritual.

I turned to my mother and asked if she could pull out the only picture of my dad. Since my father left my life at the age of four, I wanted to show my husband a photo of the man that until recently had not been on the forefront of my mind. My mother brought it out and she went back to her bedroom as I showed my new family my only image of my father. This picture has been the only image that has remained in my head all these years. Staring at the photo, I realized that I really didn’t know what my father looked like. My mother reappeared 10 minutes later with 3 photos of my father that I have never seen before. I stared at the photos for some time and marveled at these new images. I tried to conceal my emotions and reaction so that my mother wouldn’t catch a glimpse of my disdain.  I took the photos and placed them in my purse hesitantly and discretely so not to let my mother notice.         Read more

A son’s emotional issues

I was 22 and she was 20.  We knew each other for a while throughout school.  But now that we both were adults, she approached me with a mature intent.  So I was like, cool, we can go out.  The first time we had sex I only had one condom.  When that broke, we didn’t stop.  During the next 9 months, we did everything we could to get on each others nerves.  I’m not really sure why, but we were not working out.  She knew that I didn’t want to be with her for the rest of my life and she resented my efforts.

Four months after the birth of my son she told me she was getting married to some off-and-on boyfriend.  He was about to go into the Army and she thought he’d be a better provider then some college student that lived with his mother.  I remember an argument we had in front of her boyfriend’s house about how she thought I needed to drop out of school to support her and the baby, and if I did she would not marry this guy.  I had grand plans and was not about to get stuck in a minimum wage life.  Read more

I love my daughter’s step-mom, we are like sisters

9 out of 10 people will be shocked to know I’m a step-parent to my ex-husbands children.  How’s that?  He and his 3rd wife have her son, our daughter and their daughter under the same roof.  I know you’re wondering why is your child under their roof?  Simply because I never wanted to be married or have a child for that matter yet having a single mother of my own her fears came into play.  She felt the need to have me married so that I would be taken care of and well, back then “only if I knew what I know now,” right? 

I know saying that I never wanted a child sounds insensitive but the major and most sincere reason my child has lived with her father since our divorce is because he offered “family,” when I had none.  By the time of our divorce I was estranged from my mother and my father was nowhere to be found, leaving me without a village, Read more

I hated my Step-dad for no apparent reason

I’ve always wanted to receive a Doctorate in Sociology with an emphasis on Step-parenting.  I may one day soon pursue that goal. I’ve always been intrigued by the family dynamic of partial families attempting to be whole. The margin for jealousy, resistance, neglect and abuse is great within those situations. All this week I’d like to focus on step-parenting.  If you have a compelling story regarding having, being or knowing a step-parent please share it.  I’ll publish it anonymously, e-mail it to professorjermaineharris@gmail.com  

Substitutes create baggage

Originally published 10/26/08
Substitutes are people who we let into our lives to take up a time and space in our hearts. We use them to bring temporary comfort and to mask pain or loneliness that we may feel. They are not the real deal. They don’t possess the qualities that we truly demand for that position. Companies call a temporary employment agency for a temp to do some temporary work for them. But companies can continue to interview more qualified persons for the position as well as relieve the temp at any time. Often times, we as individuals may not be able to interview properly with temporary distractions in our lives. We may have difficulty in releasing that temporary person from our lives. Stalking, unwanted pregnancies, emotional strife, occur all due to our quest for a temporary fix. This substitute can distract you from finding that person who is most qualified.

Have you ever attended a function with a substitute and saw someone that you felt a strong connection with? You may have to let that opportunity pass you by out of respect for someone that you’ve already determined to be temporary. Not as temporary as you’d like, due to your missed opportunity to find one who is worthy of your riches.

In real life we deal with users, womanizers, booty calls, just a friendz and crazies. Read more