“Reclaim our Heritage”

An awareness campaign starting with TORN the play/movie. This works is a heartfelt comparison of 1712 and 2012 African American Culture. Scheduled  to open:

February 29th through March 11, 2012
At the Los Angeles Theater Center

To receive first priority and 25% off ticket prices, please send an early request for tickets to jharris@blackfamilyunited.org.

 See you at the show.

A book by Jermaine Harris

CLICK HERE TO REVIEW THE BOOK. CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE THE BOOK
A GREAT GIFT FOR FAMILY LEARNING DISCUSSIONS ON THE AFRICAN AMERICAN CULTURE

My Wedding Vows

Whosoever recognizes and honors the gifts of God, recognizes and honors God himself.  Brandy I honor God as I honor you, my true gift.  This world is abound with disingenuous and ungiving people.  God has blessed me with you, a precious gift of genuine and giving divine sustenance.

I ask God how do I remain worthy of such a gift.  Through prayer, I find the answer is to devote my being to maintaining and remaining  steadfast to being your answer, being your encourager, being your strong and solid rock of love and support from this day forward.

Today I get to look into the eyes of my best friend and make the total commitment of mind, body and soul.

Today I get to look into the eyes of my soul mate and finally make my life complete.

In the past we’ve tried to remain just best friends, but we could not fight Gods plan, what was meant to be.

I could no longer fight the fact that there is no one else on Earth that I trust with my heart, with my children and with my dreams.

I could no longer fight the fact that there is no one else on Earth that I want by my side throughout all time.

I could no longer fight the fact that there is no one else on Earth that will always love me for the most simple of me, and the most complex of me.

On this momentous day, I give you my name, I give you my heart and I give my word that I do, and I will until God says there is no more, I will love you forever more.  Thank you Brandy Harris for being my wife, I love you.

The freshman contract- As we begin to live for our new hormones our parents voices quickly fade as we replace them with voices of peers who accept us and give us a new sense of belonging and understanding. We sign a freshman contract that may tell us that purple hair, tattoos and Young Jeezy are cool. Talking about the blind leading the blind. This is the process of finding one’s self. A lot is riding on what contract we sign. We stand at the gates of our high school and we look in and try to “get in where we fit in”. Our parents can try to make us strong independent leaders, but God steps in and changes the game with pubescent changes.

We eventually learn a little about a few groups at school and we decide which contract to sign. Jocks, Nerds, Prepies, Cool Brainiacs… Each contract has a list of what is cool, what is not so cool and what is never cool. Ideally we’d fall into the “Farris Bueller Effect” and command respect by all groups while not being heavily influenced by any one group.  Parents should to try to prepare kids for what is to come, and be very careful while attempting to correct their childrens initial bad decisions. If asserted incorrectly, rebellion will ensue.  Parents should try to get to know their adolescents friends and their parents, and have discussions with children to help guide them without the preaching.                         

Given our self esteem, propensity to follow, the addictiveness of our personalities and biochemical responses to differing stimulus, we come out of high school more or less affected by those trial and tribulations. By the time we are in our early twenties we should hope that we are done with that phase and can now see the forest for the trees. We shall graduate from seeing the persona of social contracts to being able to view and understand the social order.

Social order is what determines the hierarchy of all of the social contracts. Now we may begin to see the potential outcomes available to each social contract. We look around at our friend and evaluate our new goals as adults and the path that we’ve taken thus far. If we are lucky, we don’t have to take a detour because we were on the right road all along. Yet this is very rare. Many have a tough time changing roads and they feel trapped by the baggage or mindset that they have formed over the past journey.

Again, parents play a vital roll when their adult children begin to open their eyes and seek the knowledge that they may have once shunned in irritated disunderstanding(unwillingness to respect). Do you remember the first time you sat at your mothers kitchen table while visiting from your first apartment and talking about life from one adult to another? This is the moment when your ears open and your relationship changes.  I looked at my mother shaking my head, and before I could get it out she said “it’s tough out there isn’t it?”

From this place you sign your second (or third) social contract. You hopefully will make a better decision on what is cool for you and your future. Hopefully you can see value in education, and see that hard swagger in a person as mostly a fake façade that covers a persons feelings of inadequacy.  You understand that a subtle swagger comes from confidence, not shame or insecurity.  You begin to live by that wisdom.

We are now becoming better equipped to choose a life mate to bare our children. We are better equipped to discern friend from foe. We are better equipped to pursue daily goals that are in perfect alignment to our long term goals. But be leery and tread carefully, you are still stupid. You still have much to learn, I’m pushing 40 and the one thing that I definitely know is that I definitely don’t know.

Continually grow. Make sure you grow strong and wise, and not grow weak and futile.

Parents have a responsibility of time and resources to their offspring. If you live together as a cohesive unit, there will be more time and resources going towards common goals. Apart, there are two households to support, two dating lifestyles to support. Both of which create a sacrifice on behalf of the children. Junior has to compete with Uncle Ray for mom’s attention. Little Jennifer has to go without if mom spent an extra $200 on lingerie for Ray’s satisfaction. Lord help us if Uncle Ray thinks Jennifer is pretty.

We all will agree that relationships are hard, yet we are quick to think the unknown that lies beyond the front door is so much better than the crap dealt with inside the house. So we have a revolving door to display to our children because we are unwilling to be a better person for the sake of our partner, the sake of ourselves and the sake of our witnessing children. To allow them to see struggles come between two people who are committed to working through those problems and stay together with a relentless hold on love and respect, is a profoundly invaluable lesson of character.

Hey, we all know that shit happens and not all things work for the better. We roll with the punches and make lemonade when we have to. But the question is, have we given up on the nuclear family? Is it totally acceptable for me to be a step dad to a woman’s child, while my children have a step parent at their mother’s house? Okay, 10%, 15% or 20% I understand, things happen. But 70% of African-American children, 27% of white children and 36% of Hispanic-American children do not have both parents in the home.   Maybe it doesn’t really matter, children are resilient and they’ll adjust! No they won’t. Children are fragile, and are affected by every experience. To prove this, broken homes beget more broken homes.

Not polygamy, not monogamy, but we are entrenched in a culture that embraces serial monogamy. This is where we subconsciously enter into a relationship for an intermediate period of time. 1 to 5 years, maybe 7. Just long enough to bang out 1 or 2 children and then the thrill is gone and your body no longer gets the level of emotional satisfaction that it craves. So instead of drowning in boredom, or strangling each other due to discontent, we just go our separate ways. Then the baby mama drama begins.

We should put thought to this and find some answer to why we are totally over the priority of having the nuclear family. Is anyone else disgusted with how we grown ass adults have acted like school children who “go together” for a week and break-up for the hell of it? Just because [I am] you are a product or source of a problem doesn’t mean [I] you have to close your eyes to the problem and not face it with objection.

I object!

I agreed with your comment on the radio show that girls need their fathers.  My father took great care of me, but my mother was the stronghold.  My mother was the aggressor of the two. She maintained the control in every aspect of our family.  As the baby girl, born 10 years after my youngest sibling, I often felt like an only child with the exception of the occasional interaction of my nieces, nephews and cousins who were closely the same age as I.  My perception of “men” was greatly influenced by my mother and sisters, in their post-divorce state of mind. 

A couple years ago, I did some research on the relationship between daughters and father’s who are absent from the home.  I learned that a daughter’s relationship with her father is her first male-female relationship. From a father, little girls gain their first reflection of themselves as a female. They develop a sense of acceptance or non-acceptance; they feel valued or discounted. Self-respect is initially based upon respect received from others. Their self-concept as a female person is largely shaped by this early relationship. In short, children regard themselves as they think others regard them… and the father is an important person in a girl’s life.

Father-daughter relationships are an important place to learn how to negotiate fairly and compromise appropriately. When fathers exercise absolute authority, and rigidly set rules, daughters quickly learn to rebel. If a father is overly-critical and all-powerful, men become the enemy. If a father is fair and listens to his daughter’s thoughts, she will gain self-confidence and pride in her own opinion. When daughters learn to communicate with their fathers, and trust that their opinion will count, they can develop self-assuredness which will allow them to be assertive and stand up for themselves. This is very different from aggressive reactions which stem from a sense of powerlessness and combativeness. It is important for dads to listen to their daughters and appreciate their views, even if they don’t agree.

You were sort of cut off in the middle of your comments on the radio, but it seems as though you have developed this great relationship with your daughter and you’re teaching her all the right things.  I hope she values you as a father.

Anyway, I feel that as daughters, we learn about marriage from watching our parents. If parents treat each other well, this becomes the expectation. If dad is a tyrant, then men are regarded as essentially bad. If dad is alcoholic or abusive, men are considered to be people who are allowed to get out of control and be hurtful. The unconscious conclusion is. If dad treats his daughter well, she feels like a worthwhile individual. If dad rejects his daughter or constantly criticizes her, she will feel worthless. The true irony for me is that I have absolutely no recollection of the daily interaction of my parents while they were married…remember I recently told you, my parents divorced when I was eight and my memories follows that.

But with my mom being the stronghold of my life, I was raised too damn independent to “need” a man.  As a child and teenager, I was kept busy in activities and events; always involved.  And in my own relationships, during and after college, (I didn’t date much in high school), I disregarded men including the man I ultimately married.  Ultimately, when I became ”submissive” enough to marry and have children of my own, the reality was I chose a man who was from divorced parents; a man who did not get along at all with his own mother; a man whose father had been married four times and had several children born out of wedlock because of his own infidelity. (This Father and Son were so unlike my own father) I had the opportunity to walk away early on, but didn’t (that’s another chapter), and found myself in this vicious cycle of divorce.

With every memory I had with my father, I couldn’t recall any specific conversations he and I had about relationships with men, but I could recall that I never witnessed my father disrespect my mother or my sisters…. I divorced my husband not solely because of the verbal and physical abuse, financial instability, disrespect, lack of compromise, lack of commitment and consideration of our relationship, but because I was influenced by my mother and sisters to be too independent to need a man like this. And because my spirit was lost in this chaos. I became a vindictive woman always defensive, always had my guard up. My decision to divorce was influenced by an increased awareness of self-worth, a pursuit of happiness; strong will to regain my sanity and peace of mind; to re-connect to my spiritual being and ultimately, to embrace the blessing of motherhood.

I’m glad I listened to the talk show tonight. I wanted to try and call in, but I just started typing this letter to your sight instead.  Your comment left me dazed, about how women yearn for unconditional love and effectively use unworthy men to get that unconditional love from a baby, then the women have little use for the man’s BS as the man is looking to the next women.  Ouch!

Hmmm, Can’t wait to hear next Sundaywhen you speak about how black woman are “perfect.”  I don’t know, you got Bishop Jones all worked up on that comment! Anyway, women aren’t perfect because men fall short on raising us because often time, their father’s fell short on raising them….I see it everyday. I live it!

Only GOD is perfect

So there is a natural transition period from entitled dependent to independent adult that often causes conflict between the generations. Kids act on their feelings of how they think it should go, which is totally bias, selfish and not fully thought through. They often times have not mastered the self-discipline, focus and sustainability that is required for independence. Parents use their judgment founded on a long history of often right, and sometimes wrong experience.

But the biochemical truth of the matter is that the kid’s frontal lobe is the part of the brain that is considered ones emotional control center and the home to our personality. The frontal lobe is involved in our judgment, motor skills, problem solving, memory, impulse control, initiation and social and sexual behavior. The problem is that the frontal lobe is not fully developed until at least 20 years of age.

If the frontal lobe is active and stimulated, it can reduce stress. Teens are faced with a lot of stress regarding their future, and they do not have the experience at handling such levels of stress. Yet if the frontal lobe is not active and stimulated, it will cause adrenal fatigue, which causes a shortage of insulin and the blood sugar falls below a healthy level. And this affects rational personality development. Enough with the medical implications. The bottom line is that your “baby is trippin”. Couple that with the high expectations of a mother who has an irrational idea of what “manhood” is and applies it to a son, “watch out, there’s trouble at the Johnson’s house!” (If you research techniques to increase frontal lobe stimulation, interestingly, you’ll find that video games have a de-stimulative effect on frontal lobe development)

This plays out as the kid thinks they are ready to be treated as an adult, but do not have a clue as to what adulthood entails. The parents are looking at the kid and wondering why is this kid going in reverse faster than they once were going forward. One thing that I am unclear on is that if a parent talks to their kid about this process, will the kid be mature enough to handle, understand, internalize and adapt, given this knowledge…probably not. However, I am sure that the natural response by the average parent is counterproductive. Parents often feel that “tough love” is their last recourse. And I’d tend to agree with that, yet the pace of getting to that last resort is where parents have to practice methodical, consistent and slow withdrawal. As opposed to “Get out!”

Parenting is supposed to get easier, but in actuality it is an inverted bell curve. Good luck to us all, lets pray we get though it without becoming prison visitors or grandparents before our time.

First and foremost…Happy birthday to you.  Secondly, thank you for all that you’ve done for me.  You gave me life and you raised me with sacrifice and love.  For you I will always be grateful. Yet I send this letter to express my true feelings as no card of Hallmark could be so true and honest.  

I apologize for not being the son that you would like for me to be.  I’ve tried to balance your wants with my needs and there is too much conflict to settle both ends amicably.  Please do not disregard my true apology due to the fact that it is not accompanied by regret.  I don’t regret, yet I accept the way life is for us both together or separate.  If you can live with your demons, and I can not assist you in resolving them, I am under an obligation to embrace all sides of you.  As I battle to banish my own demons, I hope that you can accept me despite.  Ideally we would present a united front against the demons that pose a threat to our family, yet we have been opposed to one another for a long while.  Our ability to share a goal and push towards a common outcome has been tarnished. 

If my actions towards you are cold, it is against my wishes to have such feelings towards the woman that gave me life.  If my willingness to go the extra mile is met with fatigue, please understand that it is against my wishes to have such feelings towards the woman that gave me life.  If our hugs feel more like chokes as opposed to embraces, know that it is against my wishes to have such feelings towards the woman that gave me life.

In my mind, I often call you and you give me words of encouragement, you tell me how proud of me you are.  You ask me if I’ve been eating healthy, and if I am happy with life.  You even give me wondrous enlightenment that I cherish and become a better man for.  In my mind you sometimes come over and surprise my children, wife and I with a delicate pastry and a story of family history that we sit at your feet and envision for clarity of who we are.  From knowing our past through you we look forward to our future with promise.  In my mind these things give me comfort, solidarity and peace.  Without these things, there lies deep within me a small hole that presents a blank spot in my ability to truly appreciate the entirety of my purpose.   

Today, on your birthday I learn to adore all that you have done positive in my life and forgive all not so positive.  I beg of you to do the same for me.  If you are to see God before me, please defend my actions, as I will plea for understanding of your perspective if I meet him first.

Atone

I recently learned that my father and mother met a week after Christmas.  This means about January 1988.  I was born premature on August 31, 1988.  I have a gut feeling that I was conceived on a first date romp.  My mother and father were never married. My mother married when I was 8 years old.  My stepfather and I never got along. I hated him from day one for no apparent reason, he just seemed like a bad guy.  I always talked back to him and he would tell my mother to punish me.  When she would listen to him and punish me I’d get mad at him.  When she refused, they’d be upset with each other. I wished that if he’d stay out of it and not question my moms parenting ability, we’d be better off.  I know that my mom and I would have had a much better relationship without him around.

Even though my real father and my mom never really were in a committed relationship, he and I always had a great relationship.  I was a bit of a daddy’s girl. My dad was a rolling stone like the song and he stayed in the streets.  Even though I knew at a young age my father really wasn’t good for the family life, he was still my father. Given our undying love and my hatred of my stepfather, I wanted my mother and father to be together. But that was not going to happen.

Well after years of tensed moments my stepfather, one night I was asleep and my mother was out with her friends on a ladies night. He came into my room, woke me ranting about my cleanliness and made me clean my room.  After that he said I was dirty and pushed me in the bathroom and made me take a shower.  He did not leave the room,  he just stood there and watched me the entire time. The way he looked at me was like I was his wife. It was disgusting and I cried the entire time from embarrassment. At the time of the shower I didn’t think he would take it any further but he did. He took it all the way and of course at the age of 13 he stole my virginity from me. He did the usual and said not to tell my mother or he’d hurt the both of us. Well I didn’t tell my mother that night or the next. In fact I waited until it became unbearable. He would sneak into my room just to perform oral sex on me then go back into bed with my mother. This went on for a few months until one night he did things to me even more traumatic to me. I did not sleep at all that night.  The next day my dad came to pick me up.  I got into his car and as usual he asked me “how’s my baby girl”.  Without any warning or unannounced to even me, I started uncontrollably sobbing.  He pulled the car over and consoled me and tried to calm me down.  I eventually shrieked out what had been happening.  My father became enraged and we hit a u turn and immediately went back to my house.

My father killed him and has been in jail for the last 8 years. I see my father every other week and have been for the last 8 years. My mother and I do not speak to this day because she feels I was lying. My father never second guessed me, never asked another question just went straight to the source to fix it. I now feel bad and wish I was lying or never told my father. But I also wonder how many girls are dealing with the same issue? How many blended families are not happily blended? How many families are just families on the outside? For years I thought of ways that I may have provoked my stepfather.  I’ve come up with all sorts of things but nothing is concrete. Between guilt, depression and worry I am pretty far from healing.  

My daughter’s father died when she was 8 months old due to senseless street violence when we both were 18. My mother married when I was 8 years old. I feel like there is a connection and I refuse to date, from fear that something this horrible may happen to my child.  This is my story.

Mr. Harris I’m sure you’ve heard my story told over and over by African American Women. The naive girl believes that one day the bad boy, alcoholic, womanizer, abuser (mentally & physically) will change if she continues to be patient, pray and make changes to her appearance and or character. Thus the honeymoon period begins, the gifts and the apologizes, the promises, the brain washing if only you would have… you make me do this to you… I do it because I love you and can’t stand another man to look at you.  And the ever famous, I don’t want another man to raise my children. I have allowed two really good men to slip through my grasp due to not ending the last relationship in my mind and heart.  Here I am  twenty plus years and three children later throwing out the rubbish, unloading my bags,  and cleaning up my house for when that guest shows up.

Mr. Harris indeed the issues you bring up need to be addressed in our community. I, like most African Americans, come from a dysfunctional home which I believe to be the catalyst of my twenty plus year roller coaster ride. I grew up in a household with my grandparents, a drug addicted mom with schizophrenia, as well as two uncles who were also drug users. In my home I had to not only hide my most valued possessions. I had to watch my ass as well.  Excuses were always made for their bad behavior, boundaries were never set nor were they every held accountable. So that brings me to the relationship. He did not really mean it he was drunk, yes he cheated and had another child but I love him.  If I would have kept my mouth shut he would have not stayed out all night, I won’t pressure him to help out with the kids or bills, he’s going through a lot.

Mr. Harris I ask what road would you have chosen?  Continue to live in a dysfunctional home or move into a place with the man who says he loves you and who has fathered your child.  So there I was, 19 years old trading one pain for another.   If you were raised under these conditions would you think that you would be considered a kind gentle man now?

Most African Americans attend church, if you are not taught morals or values at home then the church is the next best place.  I am so thankful that I was able to be re-parented, gain self-esteem, and to learn to love myself through the word of God. Since slavery the African American home has been one that has been divided by secrets, financial struggles, alcoholism, selfishness, and stepping out weather physically or mentally.

Signed: Signs of Dysfunction