The freshman contract- As we begin to live for our new hormones our parents voices quickly fade as we replace them with voices of peers who accept us and give us a new sense of belonging and understanding. We sign a freshman contract that may tell us that purple hair, tattoos and Young Jeezy are cool. Talking about the blind leading the blind. This is the process of finding one’s self. A lot is riding on what contract we sign. We stand at the gates of our high school and we look in and try to “get in where we fit in”. Our parents can try to make us strong independent leaders, but God steps in and changes the game with pubescent changes.

We eventually learn a little about a few groups at school and we decide which contract to sign. Jocks, Nerds, Prepies, Cool Brainiacs… Each contract has a list of what is cool, what is not so cool and what is never cool. Ideally we’d fall into the “Farris Bueller Effect” and command respect by all groups while not being heavily influenced by any one group.  Parents should to try to prepare kids for what is to come, and be very careful while attempting to correct their childrens initial bad decisions. If asserted incorrectly, rebellion will ensue.  Parents should try to get to know their adolescents friends and their parents, and have discussions with children to help guide them without the preaching.                         

Given our self esteem, propensity to follow, the addictiveness of our personalities and biochemical responses to differing stimulus, we come out of high school more or less affected by those trial and tribulations. By the time we are in our early twenties we should hope that we are done with that phase and can now see the forest for the trees. We shall graduate from seeing the persona of social contracts to being able to view and understand the social order.

Social order is what determines the hierarchy of all of the social contracts. Now we may begin to see the potential outcomes available to each social contract. We look around at our friend and evaluate our new goals as adults and the path that we’ve taken thus far. If we are lucky, we don’t have to take a detour because we were on the right road all along. Yet this is very rare. Many have a tough time changing roads and they feel trapped by the baggage or mindset that they have formed over the past journey.

Again, parents play a vital roll when their adult children begin to open their eyes and seek the knowledge that they may have once shunned in irritated disunderstanding(unwillingness to respect). Do you remember the first time you sat at your mothers kitchen table while visiting from your first apartment and talking about life from one adult to another? This is the moment when your ears open and your relationship changes.  I looked at my mother shaking my head, and before I could get it out she said “it’s tough out there isn’t it?”

From this place you sign your second (or third) social contract. You hopefully will make a better decision on what is cool for you and your future. Hopefully you can see value in education, and see that hard swagger in a person as mostly a fake façade that covers a persons feelings of inadequacy.  You understand that a subtle swagger comes from confidence, not shame or insecurity.  You begin to live by that wisdom.

We are now becoming better equipped to choose a life mate to bare our children. We are better equipped to discern friend from foe. We are better equipped to pursue daily goals that are in perfect alignment to our long term goals. But be leery and tread carefully, you are still stupid. You still have much to learn, I’m pushing 40 and the one thing that I definitely know is that I definitely don’t know.

Continually grow. Make sure you grow strong and wise, and not grow weak and futile.

The power to stop a targeted group lies within Institutional racism. Where there is a systematic rejection of opportunity. I will prove that this power does not exist as an adversary of African-Americans.

The key to understanding is how these groups or institutions are established. In order to defeat your enemy, you must first identify him. Look at the things that he actually does to hold you back. Understand his perspective, where he is getting his information from, and where his true alliances are. Once you see this you’ll be in a better position to realize what he is really trying to protect.

If you find that his establishment or source of power comes from his own hard work and sacrifice, you must respect that. If you find that his group is not the only group that has amassed a decent amount of security by way of controlling assets or industries, then you’ve got to respect them as well. Are those other groups advocates, adversaries or indifferent to African-Americans? Remember we are identifying the who, why and the how.

With this thought process you start to realize that capitalism is a team sport. There is no individual that does it all alone. Immigrant groups come to this country and they concentrate in a particular geographic region or neighborhood. They discuss how to maintain their culture, assimilate into the mainstream and how to engage in enterprise to bring in capital. They may start out as workers, then owners who hire their own people. They may unionize and eventually fight for better conditions. They may pay lobbyist so their voice can be heard. They may fund additional education for their new immigrants or young children. The groups that are successful at this are successful overall. How are these groups affecting, assisting or interrupting the African-American assent?

The next thing we must look at is the African-American as a group/culture. With the new found information from above, we compare what African-Americans are doing to each other,  for each other and with each other on the street, in the home and intergenerationally. We look at if they are embracing the healthy aspects of their culture while diminishing the negative. We look at if they are playing into the stereotypes or are they actively defeating them with contrary representation.  Are the successful African-Americans doing all that they can to promote and create a path for others to follow? Are they effective in assisting others in overcoming the shortcomings of their community? Or are they exploiting, assimilating, marrying outside of their race and half-hazardly giving money to causes just to satisfy their guilt?

The point is, post civil rights, post affirmative action, and during the Obama era, if you are discriminating against yourself, you can not complain that others are treating you the same way you are treating yourself. Why get outraged when a police officer kills one black male, but say nothing when 500 are slain by other African-Americans? In America, the opportunities are only where YOU make them. If you don’t do that, you have no one to blame but yourself…but remember this is a team sport.

It may be difficult for African-Americans to get admitted to some Universities in this post affirmative action era. But we have 105 historically black universities in the United States. It may be more difficult for an African-American to obtain loans, even with the same credit score as a counterpart. But African-Americans (people in certain zip codes) historically have more volatility in their income due to being subject to relationship fluctuations, employment terminations and longer bouts of unemployment between jobs.   Which are partially caused by African-Americans reluctance to go above and beyond to do more than “just enough”, play the political game, or better yet start their own enterprise and hire their own people all while being competitive.

The industries that African-Americans dominate are ones that are driven by emotion and passion, such as the arts. Even within our successes, we find a way to assist in our self-oppression by perpetuating and glorifying the negative.  Yet in the industries that require less emotion and more focused intellect and politics such as Math, science and sales, African-Americans don’t fare as well.

Institutional racism no longer exists because African-Americans have failed to build their own institutions. No one needs to hold a man down that is unwilling to stand up.  What do you think?

At half time, we turned the TV down and the 10 year old was introduced from the back room. He appeared with a sheet of paper in his hand and he proceeded to begin a comedic monolog, sharing about 15 jokes, some where pretty funny. With the exception of one insensitive comment by Joe, the other adults were very encouraging.

I’m open to others perception, but I believe there is a cultural difference between certain sub-cultures within our society that at its most effective core, affects our networking or social interaction.

Pyramiding: For visualization sake, let’s say each person is building a pyramid. We stand on the top of our own pyramid. Our goal is to build a strong, wide and tall structure. We use the strength and height of people who are represented by bricks in our pyramid. If we only build a one dimensional flat pyramid, we may fall forward or backwards. If we build it with four corners going North, South, East and West, we may have stability. If we use tall bricks we may reach the sky quicker. Tall bricks are people with a large network or vast knowledge that we may avail ourselves of in the future.    

If we have felons, disloyal and unethical people as our foundation, it is only a matter of time when some of their crisis crumbles our pyramid simply by our association. This is why President Obama had to remove the brick of Reverend Wright from his network to avoid collapse. It is difficult to be so choosy when so many from your natural environment have shady past. We can’t disown family or childhood friends so easily. The strong friends and family should be the foundation. The ones who loved you before you were rich.  Our enemies if we so chose, should be towards the top, so as to not crumble what is dependant from above. Hence the term, “keep your friend close, and your enemies closer”.

The group that understands and practices this concept of pyramid networking, is looked at by the groups that don’t subscribe to such thought as being “fake and phony”. This feeling is accompanied by mistrust and unwillingness to participate for fear of future backstabbing, which is a legitimate threat. A good friend of mine refuses to act anyway outside of his true self. He feels as if he should not change who he is to fit anyone else’s idea. He has a very strong will and will live and die by his convictions. His personal comfort trumps any perceived social gain. If you have ever watched the new wave of reality TV shows where they have Black people interacting with whites, you’ll notice the term used by Blacks “Keep it Real” or “I’m being Real”. This implies, that “I’m not going to smile in your face and act like I like you and tell you only what you may want to hear. Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth, keep it real and I don’t give a damn if it hurts your feelings. This “attitude” is not viewed positively when trying to build a strong pyramid. Yet the Black culture would rather you know what you are going to get from each relationship.

Pyramiders believe that, “I’d rather do a fake song and dance so that if I need something from you, I’ll be in a better position to get it in the future.” This is a strong contrast between the two cultures. This difference makes Blacks appear to be unnecessarily hostile and ineffective in social and business situations. You can’t beat someone in Chess, while using the rules from checkers.

Being that I am multicultural in that I have extensive relations on both sides of this spectrum, I see that we as Black people have not advanced beyond the mistrust of our history. We have not seen the long term benefits of making ourselves uncomfortable now so that we may benefit somehow in the future. In our culture, bullshiters get called a Muthafucka.

The Black culture is generally more emotion based. Emotional reactions are stronger and more important than intellectual reactions. It is difficult to teach this to our children, but the understanding and balancing of the differences may be a step in the right direction. Some parents may be challenged in emphasizing proper speech and greeting skills in social situations in order to improve their children’s comfort in breaking through barriers.

Kings over Rooks

Stratosphering: Once we get over the Pyramiding issue, the second challenge is what I call the Stratosphering Effect. This is when you meet someone and they automatically take their first impression of you and categorize you. If this is done to you, and you feel as if this person has placed you beneath him, you may feel belittled or patronized by their superiority complex. This often occurs and is at times a miscommunication between cultures. Many of my African-American friends discuss there resentment regarding this situation. It is a difficult fight to get in there and mix it up without growing a chip on your shoulder due to this perceived Stratosphering. Yet one technique I’ve used is the understanding that superiority complexes are a disadvantage, and I can utilize that lowered expectation as an advantage in this game of Chess. Hence I don’t get offended as my friend does when he feels it is his obligation to put people in their place right there on the spot. He burns many bridges while sitting on an island.

Black people who are attempting to be multicultural need to understand that it is not a black or white thing; it is a test that everyone has to go through so that you can be placed in the right layer of one’s pyramid. If you don’t have anything to offer a relationship, then you will be discounted, rightfully so in this complex game of Chess. The problem lies in the bias nature of the test. The way we speak, and our attitude towards certain issues makes us susceptible to not being fully accepted. To complicate it even further, we often have peer pressure to not be fully accepted for the risk of getting our ghetto pass revoked, or being labeled a sell out by our natural environment. The balance I use in my mind is that it is all about the papers, dinero, duckets, the loot… your move.

I taught my children Chess at age 3

We on both sides of this coin need to understand this issue. White people are getting more and more acclimated to the differences due to the popularity of the hip-hop culture. Many are actually seeking out “Black friends”. I educate them on my culture, as I gain valuable knowledge of theirs. So when they make an insensitive comment, I let is roll off my shoulder. Check! We as Black people need to develop a better stance within these dilemmas to pass to the next generation, so they may move forward without the chip on their shoulder and get involved in a wider range of opportunities. You can’t beat someone in Chess, while using the rules from checkers…Checkmate!

Lay with dogs, you will rise with fleas.  Birds of a feather flock together.  

“Your child is just running with the wrong crowd.”  School counselors say this to the parents of all 8 kids to make the parents feel as if their child is not bad, but are influenced by “bad” kids. Yeah right.

If you think that peer pressure will influence you to make different decisions, you should be really careful in selecting your friends.  Instead of choosing friends by their looks, status or commonalities, you may want to consider looking deeper at who they are and select people who are more like who you want to be tomorrow rather than who you are today.  I’m not saying get too far out of your comfort zone, but if you are trying to move away from substance abuse, shallow or immoral activities and focus on being more financially, spiritually or intellectually successful, you may want to consider holding your friend selection to a higher standard.

You may need to cut people out of your life or at least out of your favorite 5 if they are holding your progress back.  Often time’s people unintentionally do things to sabotage your goals; you may need to dump them out of your boat before you sink.  Be careful, thoughtful and methodical with cleaning out your boat.  This transition can be very trying in the short term, yet liberating in the long run.  Friendships can be just as important as they can be debilitating.  Some people’s seasons pass and you may need to grow beyond what they have to offer.

This process is not to tell people about themselves and get under their skin. You should not practice this to spite anyone or even teach them a lesson.  Remember, you’ve chosen to no longer be their friend, this means that you no longer are obligated to teach them, help them or harm them any longer. 

 “WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I?” Part of self reflection is to look in the mirror and ask yourself tough questions. Instead of cutting a friendship short, you may find that you need to step up and be a better friend yourself.  Maybe you are selfish, stubborn, undependable, insensitive or needy.  Maybe you have caused just as much damage to your friendships as your friends.  From this consciousness, you are more equipped to become a better friend to others.  

Often times we have our idea of what friendship is about and we tend to give what we think should be given to a friendship.  But each friend is different, with different needs and preferences.  We have to be considerate and flexible enough to pay attention and adjust the way we show or practice our friendships on an individual basis.

I recently lost a 15 year friendship.  After months of trying to patch up our differences, including sitting down with a neutral friend and hashing out our differences, I walked away with a better understanding of his perception of me.  He also confirmed my thoughts of who he was.  With that information I was better able to come to a conclusion that this friendship was not what I needed to propel me into my future.  I also knew that my actual and perceived flaws were substantial enough to end our struggle to maintain a friendship.  Now I can rest assured that I did all within my limited power to salvage the friendship. He and I remain great people in our own right, but he can not or will not help me be better, and I am short on that skill for him as well.  Not that I place a lot of pressure on my friendships, making me better may simply be just relaxing and take a break from the stresses of life, but some people inhibit even the most simple things that make friendship worthwhile.

Friends come and go, fix self

Have you ever been through a very tough situation and after it was over and done, you felt stronger?  You felt better about yourself due to the lesson you learned?  Each day presents a situation that will either pump you up and make you feel good about yourself, or it will feel like a Mike Tyson blow to the chest and take the wind right out of you.  You stagger and think to yourself “should I lay down, or will my knees stop wobbling. 

As parents, our job is to stand close to our children and make sure we reinforce and celebrate each daily success our children encounter.  We also are to be there to talk to our children to point out the lessons within every defeat.   We must make sure that each blow to the chest our children receive is accompanied by a discussion of what, why and how not to have that happen again.  Good parenting technique balances the punishment and the lesson of encouragement.

Our children receive daily lessons via media entertainment.  We parents must monitor what our children watch.  As well we should discuss the lessons the characters should have learned.  We can assist our children in thinking three moves ahead (chess strategy) in considering cause and effects of each decision they will be faced with.  The ability to see the whole picture and call an ace an ace and a spade a spade will give them courage to face the world.

I think that many people are neither born with, nor taught personal strength in character.  So when they take shots to the chest that life gives us all, they are more prone to knee buckles, collapse and TKO’s.  Many people you know may be lying in the middle of the ring, too scared to get up and face the next round.  Maybe they were born weak. Maybe daddy thought child support was his only responsibility and was not physically there to give them valuable life lessons.  Maybe mommy didn’t hug them enough and tell them that it will be okay.  We should constantly look at life as a boxing match.  We should assess our strength and speed as boxers and as trainers of our children.  If you know that you are a good trainer, look around and coach the young people in your neighborhood, reach out to build the strength of character of your children’s friends and your community.  

Don’t be knocked out!

Sambura Tribe - Kenya

U.S. Capitol

Governments have been formed by man in order to control the natural and human resources of a stated geographical area. They are usually established by a very few members of a society and more times than not throughout history, have been constructed to inequitably benefit the few. Governments by nature of their creed work towards fewer and fewer Governments that manage an increasing quantity of resources; the ultimate of this ideology is Imperialism. Given this fact they tend to grow more complex as they evolve. The older the Government, the more complex it becomes.

The word tribe is an English word that is used to represent a Government that has a relatively small amount of geography, power and influence. Westerners tend to disregard any claims of sovereignty (Independence) by tribes. Tribes by nature do not quest to be the sole power of a growing geographical era or empire. Given this nature, tribes tend to grow in quantity and each limit patronage to a manageable quantity. Once a tribe grows beyond a sustainable capacity granted by the local resources, it splits. A new culture is adapted by the new tribe, creating more cultural distinctions and blood-lines than in a Governmental society that may be multicultural due to conquest. Conquest also provokes internal discrimination or stratosphering.

Roman Conquest

War for survival – Cultures that are rooted in Governmental philosophies tend to be large conquest societies that have grown by way of military dominance. They settle on land that is not theirs and force obedience of the natives (tribesmen) in an effort to grow their resources. Tribal cultures turn to war only when splitting does not resolve shortage issues. As the natural resources are diminishing, they turn to war. War is used as a last resort in both Governmental and Tribal societies. When there is no foreseeable understanding to be reached to resolve both sides quandaries amicably, war ensues. The question remains, how easy is it to get to that point. Governmental societies consider themselves “civilized” and refer to many tribal activities as “uncivilized” yet the resorting to war and barbarianism by one group more than the other is arguable.  Historically tribal warfare turned more deadly and murderous once resources are overtaken by Governments. The Zulu Nation of East Africa changed the landscape of tribal warfare once they learned the concept of mass murder from the Europeans.

The nature of the Governmental society is more complex relative to Tribal societies. In order to effectively navigate in a Governmental society, an individual should be cognizant of pyramiding and stratosphering (see my article “Complex game of Chess”). The Tribal mindset has proven to be ineffective in a Governmental society. Current American Tribal mentalities can be found in concentration within inner cities and rural areas where the pursuit of upward mobility is evasive, and self destructive behavior is prevalent. Within this Governmental society we should all consider somehow moving new generations towards a healthy balance so they may effectively navigate among the masses in order to capture valuable assets that create freedom.