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Posts from the ‘Joke of the week’ Category

18
Jul

My girlfriend left me

empty-aptmI came home and found everything in the apartment gone.  She took her dog, furniture, curtains, everything. I walk into the bathroom and all that was there was my toothbrush and a roll of undeveloped film.  Okay, I get it, she must have pictures of me and some chick and that’s why she left me.  

 

Not too interested in seeing the evidence against me, I wait a few weeks to develop the roll.  When I finally get them out of the photo mat, there was only one photo on the roll.  It was a photo of my toothbrush sticking out of her dogs ass.

17
Jul

Joke of the week – Not so much!

cheating1

28
Jun

Joke of the Week by the infamous & dearly missed Robin Harris

Husband: Hey woman, try my pants on?

Wife: You know I can’t fit your pants.

Husband: Well now you know who wears the pants around here!

Wife: Put a pair of my pants on.

Husband: Girl you know I can’t get into your pants.

Wife: And you never will again if you don’t change your damn attitude!

 

 

 

27
May

Joke of the week by the Infamous Paul Moody

A 13 year old boy walks into his parents bedroom one late night, he saw his step-father standing at the edge of the bed with his mother spread eagle in front of him.  The father saw the boy and just laughed, hahaha, then he winked at his son.shocked2

 

One week later the father walked into his son’s room one late night.  The son was standing at the edge of the bed with his grandmother spread eagle in front of him.  The son saw the dad and laughed hahaha, winked and said, “It ain’t so funny when it’s your mamma huh?”

 

 

18
May

end-well4

20
Mar

Life Savers

lifesavers1 Miss Smith was treating her 3rd grade class to some Life Saver candy. They were talking about matching the different flavors with the colors. They guessed all correctly except for one flavor. The one they couldn’t figure out was a golden colored honey flavored Life Saver. Miss Smith gave them a hint to help them figure the flavor. “It is something your mommy may call your daddy sometimes”. Little Susie spits the Life saver across the room and wipes her mouth in disgust as she shouts “Is it ass hole flavored?!?!?”

4
Mar

A devoted wife

hosp-bedA devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What, my dear?” she asked gently.     “You’re a goddamn jinx!”

25
Nov

Have you ever cheated on me?

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”
“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”
“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”
“Three? When were they?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”
“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”

13
Nov

Whosoever slumbereth with itchy booty, awaketh with stinky finger

Quote/Joke of the week

31
Oct

Old Genie

Joke of the week

A man walks into a bar with two shoe boxes. He places the boxes on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and asks “what’s in the boxes?” He responds, “You don’t want to know, just keep the beers coming.” Ten minutes later, the bar tender asks again, “what’s in the boxes?” The man says, “You don’t want to know, just give me another beer.” The bar tender said, “You will not get another beer until you tell me what’s in the boxes.”

The man opens the first box and pulls out a miniature piano, a miniature piano bench and a little man. The little man walks across the bar and sits at the piano and begins to play Mozart. The bartender was amazed. He shouts “where did you get that?”

The man opens the second box and pulls out a old tarnished and dented Aladdin’s lamp. The bartender snatches the lamp and rubs it. An old Genie with two hearing aids, thick glasses and no teeth appears. He says “I’m old so you only get one wish sonny.” The bartender says “I want a million bucks!”

The bar fills with smoke, when the smoke clears there are one million ducks all over the bar. The bartender says “I said a million bucks, not ducks!”

The man stands up and says “And I didn’t ask for a 10 inch pianist either!”