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Archive for November, 2010


Stop Coping, and start Healing


The Psychology of Pain within relationships

Pain is a source of personal bonding between human beings. This may be counter intuitive to most, but let’s take a deep look at the effects of physical and emotional pain on a relationship.

Firstly we must state that there is a range of responses that can occur. In general terms, the average feminine, or submissive roll player is on one side of this range. The general masculine gender roll player is on the other side. The major difference between the two sides is that the feminine side appreciates pain inflicted by the other party, and the masculine side better appreciates mutual shared pain that is normally brought by an outside source.

The feminine side can endure more pain brought by the opposite partner within the relationship and at times feel more connected to the inflicting partner. This is why the pain of child birth is not a deterrent for mothers, but it is a catalyst to the mother/child bonding process. We may have died out as a species if we were dependent on men to endure such physical pain while giving birth. It is questionable if men would ever willingly go through the pain of child birth. The masculine side best bonds with a partner when they both endure emotional or physical pain brought from an outside force. Such as financial struggle and sacrifice to accomplish a greater goal. This is exhibited during team sports or nation/gang warfare where the team fights and struggles to overcome an adversary together.

In male-female relationships, women can arguably endure more abuse from the man relative to his ability to take pain inflicted by the woman. As a defense, she may love harder, and he may become emotional withdrawn. An example is the tolerance of cheating between women and men. This emotional pain is relatively unbearable for a man to deal with when he finds out his woman has stepped out on him. Another example, many of us may have bore witness to a situation where a woman refuses to leave an abusive man. Women who have been prematurely exposed to such abusive force often carries the ideology that doubts the love of a partner that fails to inflict some kind of pain. Read moreRead more


Ms. Rose’s granddaughter

belt-buckleOne night I stayed at my grandmother’s friend Ms Rose’s house.  My grandmother had to work late and was to pick me up late that night.  I was 15.  Ms Rose had her 7 or 8 year old granddaughter over too.  Ms Rose had left me and the little girl in the living room to watch TV.  I was lying on the floor in front of the TV.  The little girl came over to me and sat down beside me and started to unbuckle my pants. 

WTF… I was shocked.  Read moreRead more


You can’t take my joy, because you didn’t give it to me



Unlucky number 8 – A story of deadly abuse

8-ballI recently learned that my father and mother met a week after Christmas.  This means about January 1988.  I was born premature on August 31, 1988.  I have a gut feeling that I was conceived on a first date romp.  My mother and father were never married. My mother married when I was 8 years old.  My stepfather and I never got along. I hated him from day one for no apparent reason, he just seemed like a bad guy.  I always talked back to him and he would tell my mother to punish me.  When she would listen to him and punish me I’d get mad at him.  When she refused, they’d be upset with each other. I wished that if he’d stay out of it and not question my moms parenting ability, we’d be better off.  I know that my mom and I would have had a much better relationship without him around.


Even though my real father and my mom never really were in a committed relationship, he and I always had a great relationship.  I was a bit of a daddy’s girl. My dad was a rolling stone like the song and he stayed in the streets.  Even though I knew at a young age my father really wasn’t good for the family life, he was still my father. Given our undying love and my hatred of my stepfather, I wanted my mother and father to be together. But that was not going to happen.


shower-curtinWell after years of tensed moments my stepfather, one night I was asleep and my mother was out with her friends on a ladies night. He came into my room, woke me ranting about my cleanliness and made me clean my room.  After that he said I was dirty and pushed me in the bathroom and made me take a shower.  He did not leave the room,  he just stood there and watched me the entire time. The way he looked at me was like I was his wife. It was disgusting and I cried the entire time from embarrassment. At the time of the shower I didn’t think he would take it any further but he did. He took it all the way and of course at the age of 13 he stole my virginity from me. Read moreRead more


Signs of Dysfunction

dysfunction-signMr. Harris I’m sure you’ve heard my story told over and over by African American Women. The naive girl believes that one day the bad boy, alcoholic, womanizer, abuser (mentally & physically) will change if she continues to be patient, pray and make changes to her appearance and or character. Thus the honeymoon period begins, the gifts and the apologizes, the promises, the brain washing if only you would have… you make me do this to you… I do it because I love you and can’t stand another man to look at you.  And the ever famous, I don’t want another man to raise my children. I have allowed two really good men to slip through my grasp due to not ending the last relationship in my mind and heart.  Here I am  twenty plus years and three children later throwing out the rubbish, unloading my bags,  and cleaning up my house for when that guest shows up.


Mr. Harris indeed the issues you bring up need to be addressed in our community. I, like most African Americans, come from a dysfunctional home Read moreRead more


the same strength that it took to take it, is the same amount of strength that it takes to let it go


Tyler Perry