Managing stress – Part III – Relationship advocate or adversary
The point of a relationship is to hire an advocate. A supporter, a cheerleader and an advisor that wants the best for you. This team effort and genuine care and concern for your goals, dreams and aspirations is what make being in a relationship worth the effort.
Once your partner begins to turn into your adversary, your relationship will tend to take a nose dive. In building a relationship two people should have open discussions on individual goals. “Can I support her in that goal?” If you can’t, you may become her adversary when she wants to invest relationship assets into a dream you have not bought into. You may be thrilled with her failure or upset with her victory. So she can’t run home and find true comfort in crying on your shoulder, or she can’t jump for joy with you in celebrating a victory.
We all have those differences within our relationships. You can’t possibly see eye to eye on everything. So how do you continue to be supportive on an issue that you’re not totally behind? It can sometimes get to the point of sabotage or resentment. We first have to look at the real reason why we are so against our partner’s dreams. We should be honest with ourselves and see if the root is jealousy or insecurity.
“If she goes to college, she’ll think she’s too smart for me and start being attracted to college men.”
“I don’t want him to open a restaurant because he’ll have power and prestige and female customers and employees will want him.”
If this is the case we rarely can face and admit it because it accentuates our flaws as people. But that is an opportunity to truly grow as a person. If you obtain the honest strength sit down with that person and start with:
“I love you and I want to support all that you desire. Yet regarding your plans I have a feeling deep down that scares me. When I think of it, my mind starts to doubt…”
By opening up with honest dialogue your relationship has the best chance of surviving. Those conversations will allow your partner to understand your resistance, and address your concerns with a promise of devotion to the relationship. Without the discussion, denying someone their dreams, or carrying such a heavy bag of negative feelings will take a toll on the relationship.
If you remain her advocate, she will find comfort in you when dealing with the stresses of her trials. To do otherwise will add stress and possibly create animosity towards you.
Reading this reminded me of a few of my unofficial guidelines.
Perhaps it’s a bit sexist but I truly believe that a woman wants a man to just be there for her, support her and, to a degree, protect her. As males we tend to attempt to conquer all issues so when a woman does something we are intimidated by we attempt to “resolve” the issue. We/I also tend to get on a trend of negativity and friction with our partners almost as if it is becoming a habit.
sometimes I will catch myself beginning a negative slant on something my wife is thinking or doing and I will stop, realize that I have more control if I first support her and then I do just that. I have had a good degree of success by telling her I support her 100% but that I feel uncomfortable about X. Historically I’ve presented it as almost a joke with a serious message like….. “I’m think it’s great you want to go meet a bunch of your friends from college and your old boyfriend will be there but since you’re so damn sexy I’m really worried he’s going to try to jump your bones. And while I know I don’t have anything to worry about it still really bothers me”
At some point we have to understand that our women, and vice versa, is either going to fuck us over regardless of how much we beat our chests and other men who look at them funny or we have to realize we don’t trust the gal we’re with and find someone to have a real relationship with.
As a side note my wife is very highly educated, makes more money per year than I will likely ever make and works with a lot of people just like her. I never finished college, have 2 divorces and a fucked up family history. At some point I decided she either wanted to spend her life with me or not and the best way to not drive her away is to make it obvious I trust her. It used to be hard but it’s easy now.
Sweet realization Patrick!!!! Strong women just need to be “mind eff’d” and even though she may realize what you are doing, a more subtle approach to put your foot down is highly appreciated. Regardless of the one depositing the most into the bank account, we as women clearly know and understand the roles in a relationship. The key to us respecting the roles is if we respect our men, the only way to get respect is to give respect. Thus, if we feel respected as equals we won’t mind our man “putting his foot down”… might even find it a turn on! So Patrick, I think you have a winning formula there!