Being supportive in a stressful situation – Part IV
One popular source of relationship stress is, she wants you to do or stop doing something that you refuse to start or stop. She fails to understand the importance this thing has regarding your happiness. The thing in question may not be the healthiest thing, but it makes you happy in a way that she can not comprehend no matter how you try to explain it to her. She feels that this vice is detrimental to your relationship. This is when the ultimatums come into play. This is when a person has to choose what’s more important and attempt to refrain for the betterment of the relationship. The stronger the person is at doing this the more successful he will be in the relationship. The great compromise, click here.
In a relationship your partner can be an adversary but not necessarily an enemy. An example of a women becoming an adversary while she tries to be supportive is when she attempts to comfort her man during a stressful time in his life. If he snaps at her or is unwelcoming to her attempts of comfort, it is because he feels that her self-interest in the matter creates more stress for him. For example:
I had a tough week at work, and on the carpool drive home my wife and I were talking about the fact that I may lose my job. She was trying to be encouraging by making positive comments. I was highly irritated and I wanted her to shut-up and stop attempting to cheer me up. Later that night I called my uncle and we began to talk about my work issues. After the conversation I realized that even though he in essence stated the exact things that my wife said in the car, I felt much better and less defensive once my uncle said those words. Why is that? A person needs to adjust to how their partner needs support. Sometimes just “leave me the fuck alone” will do just fine. Just don’t let that method of coping cause another problem.
My wife became my adversary in that situation due to the fact that my job security is directly linked to my ability to provide for my wife. Hence, my job is linked to my perceived manhood in the eye of my wife. As long as she focused on my problems, even if she was positive, I felt exposed and vulnerable.My uncle on the other hand is a third party that I am not responsible for, so his discussion presents less of a threat to my manhood. So learning how best to comfort your partner in these stressful situations takes practice and patience.
On the average, a woman is quite the opposite. If my wife was facing the loss of her job, she’d expect me to listen and engage in a conversation. She may appreciate my analyzing what steps she should take next, but she may be even more satisfied if I didn’t present solutions but just simply call her boss a crazy MF for even thinking about firing my baby.
Another example: My wife also wants me to stop watching sports so much and spend more time with her and the kids. She doesn’t understand that watching the Lakers enhances my life and is a coping mechanism in order to put up with the stresses of the daily grind. She doesn’t realize that nothing gets my blood pumping more, nothing gives me the sense of comradery than being a diehard Laker fan. So when she attacks me or stands in front of the TV during the playoffs and demands my attention it really pisses me off.
Many relationships have internal battles between the vice vs. the relationship. The one that is being demanded of, must objectively look at the situation from the other persons perspective. Because often times the vice is excessive or harmful, such as drinking alcohol. Yet for the demander he/she must not try to understand, but realize that vices are not relatable from the outside looking in, but they are very real. The only answer is objective consideration and compromise.
With a vice in one hand and a relationship in the other, one is forced to choose between the two. Even though neither of the options can singularly fill the void caused by the absence of the other, choices must be made. As for the pusher of the ultimatum, he or she often feels that this decision will determine their worth in the other persons life. That is an irrational mistake, understand, there is only one Kobe Bryant and there are millions of women out there.
Wow, very powerful last paragraph! I wont even attempt to decode that! However, What if the woman likes the lakers too? Does she sit down and watch, scream and clinch her booty cheeks too? Or does she go upstairs and quietly watch from a woman’s place? If she watches with you, does that create a stronger bond or are sports an outlet from the stresses of manhood? From a woman’s perspective it is difficult to effectively support your man when he does not communicate with you. For example, my ex got cut from 3 NFL teams in one season, so what do I say? “Baby, you just don’t got it… get a real job” HELL NO, be supportive! But WHAT IS SUPPORTIVE? A quiet ride home from the airport sure doesn’t seem as such! Change the subject and talk about the party that we’ve been invited too, NOPE doesn’t want to go there because everyone will ask what team he’s playing for now! Go home in the middle of football season and attempt not to turn the TV near ESPN, FWS or any other network playing Football! So WHAT A GIRL SUPPOSE TO DO? Although he was not the primary bread winner and girlfriend plays a lot different from wife, but supporting a man with a huge ego is difficult for a woman. And although I never did offer an ultimatum, lots of women do! I think its just a coping mechanism to regain control over the heart of your mate! VIVA LOS ANGELES LAKERS!!!!
If you can’t support a person in their goals, the relationship will be an uphill battle. If that person’s goals are unrealistic, then you may have to divert your purpose from being supportive in that goal. Love them for other qualities. Spend time and talk about other things. When a person is struggling to accomplish the impossible, they may need you to be their refuge from the pressures of that goal. If they are not open to your direct support, then you are left with little choice. This could put you in such an odd situation that your joy may be stolen, or you willingness may be fleeting, hence the relationship may suffer.
Understand that men often have relationships to avoid or escape pressures in their lives. This is why we are more likely to have a double life. Unlike women who often feel that the closes people to them need to share their trials as a token of their closeness, men feel differently. Men often value relationships by the relaxation or build-up they get when around a person, not the shared ups and downs. Fight the urge to judge his intent by his willingness to share. We are built differently.
There is only one Kobe Bryant and there are millions of women out there. I agree for sure. But isn’t that showing the value of the women as less than? So women are like buses, just wait 15 minutes. Like you always said in Econ class, “from Diamonds to Dirt”
That is an interesting sentence JB.
Here’s my theory – there may be millions of men and women in the world, but there’s only 1 you & 1 me.
I Fully agree with this. However I feel this is not something to depend on, because I feel we should depend on ourseleves. We should push ourselves forward, not rely/depend on life moving forward because of someone else. Of course it’s wonderful to have a partner to help you, but we must first be independent and rely on ourself.
I agree with being independent. But honestly, after accomplishing the indepenendence and making it known, we still will struggle and suffer emotionally in some sort of way. Realistically we are not designed to take the journey by ourselves.