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Archive for April, 2010


Being supportive in a stressful situation – Part IV

One popular source of relationship stress is, she wants you to do or stop doing something that you refuse to start or stop. She fails to understand the importance this thing has regarding your happiness. The thing in question may not be the healthiest thing, but it makes you happy in a way that she can not comprehend no matter how you try to explain it to her. She feels that this vice is detrimental to your relationship. This is when the ultimatums come into play.  This is when a person has to choose what’s more important and attempt to refrain for the betterment of the relationship.  The stronger the person is at doing this the more successful he will be in the relationship.  The great compromise, click here.

In a relationship your partner can be an adversary but not necessarily an enemy. An example of a women becoming an adversary while she tries to be supportive is when she attempts to comfort her man during a stressful time in his life. If he snaps at her or is unwelcoming to her attempts of comfort, it is because he feels that her self-interest in the matter creates more stress for him. For example: Read moreRead more


Managing stress – Part III – Relationship advocate or adversary

The point of a relationship is to hire an advocate.  A supporter, a cheerleader and an advisor that wants the best for you.  This team effort and genuine care and concern for your goals, dreams and aspirations is what make being in a relationship worth the effort.

Once your partner begins to turn into your adversary, your relationship will tend to take a nose dive.  In building a relationship two people should have open discussions on individual goals.  “Can I support her in that goal?”  If you can’t, you may become her adversary when she wants to invest relationship assets into a dream you have not bought into.  You may be thrilled with her failure or upset with her victory.   So she can’t run home and find true comfort in crying on your shoulder, or she can’t jump for joy with you in celebrating a victory.  Read moreRead more


Managing Stress – Part II

Once you decide to deal with your stress, you have to decide how to deal with it.  A major part of relationships is the sharing of stresses.  Either one will support and encourage the other, or one will cause the other person stress.  Yet in any case, when two people love each other, ones stress should automatically be the others concern.  So how a couple plans an attack of a source of stress is important. 

Dave Chappelle

There are three ways to deal with stress.  The first of which is Appraisal-focused strategies. This method is the changing of ones perception of the problem. To reduce the priority, or find the humor in the matter.  African Americans tend to use this method culturally.  In studying couples counseling sessions, you will tend to find more laughter and humor between African American couples prior to the raw emotions are evoked. 

The consistent and historical stress of the African American experience has manifested a culture that laughs at their common situations, as seen on many  African American comedy stages.  Even the use of the N word is an appraisal-focused coping methodology. 

This predominance within the African American culture has historically saved their sanity, yet in modern times it has created an expectance in the norm to the point that many find little to no problem with the ever increasing dysfunction of certain immoral social interactions.   Being poor and ignorant is a source of stress, yet in some circles, being ignorant is encouraged, because if you are smart, “you are trying to be white, or better than us”.   Read moreRead more


Ms. DOROTHY HEIGHT – 1912 – 2010



Managing Stress – Part I

There are three main ways to respond to stress.  The first of which is the least productive and can lead to sustained stress that may manifest into poor health or a depression like state.  This first way is called “Passive coping”.  This term refers to not doing anything that will assist in dealing. 

The second method of dealing with stress is called “Primary coping”. This tends to be a relatively immature way of dealing with stressful issues, but due to the immediate satisfaction and short term resolution, it is used often.  This is actually good, but without coupling this tactic with the third and most effective method can be harmful and often times allows issues to manifest into bigger issues.  As well this method can potentially create new stresses.

Thus the most effective way to manage stress is called “Secondary coping”. The name is derived from the fact that this method is used after or in conjunction with one  of the first two.  

So basically if you feel helpless against your source of stress, you may tend to try to ignore it.  If it becomes a serious problem, you will naturally seek happiness and refuse in a Primary coping attempt, such as going out to party, drinking, drugs or other self indulgences.  This is why people who don’t have answers to their shortcomings or the emotional fortitude to weather the storms of their lives are at a higher risk of being addicted or developing co-dependent personalities.  They tend to allow their lives to spiral farther into chaos by inadequately addressing life’s challenges.  A tell-tell sign of this is if you are constantly battling the same issues year in and year out.  In this there is little growth.

But when you use cognitive solutions and a thought process that leads to a plan that you work to rid yourself of the stressful situation, “now you cookin!”  You are taking control of your life with the feeling that you are empowered to defeat all the demons that lurk in your life.  In Part II I’ll delve into how we put these things into play.


How many have you been with?

Marvelyn Brown - HIV PositiveDoes one have an obligation to share with their new sex partner, their past sexual history?  So you’ve been dating a special someone for  almost 2 months.  On this particular date your anticipation has been rising as your conversations have been more revealing.  You two are finally alone at your apartment.  As you sip a bit of lemon tea, and wink at her from over the rim of you cup, she sensually uncrosses and recrosses her legs.  Your heart jumps and you almost spill the hot tea down your brand new silk shirt.  You stutter as words don’t come out.  She interrupts your distraction with a bold and direct question that alters the mood quite abruptly, “So how many sex partners have you had?” Read moreRead more


Women feel resolve by simply talking about it

Why do men clam up, go into their cave and refuse to talk about a pressing issue?  I feel that if men don’t feel as if a resolution can be accomplished by talking about an issue immediately, then he is not compelled to talk at that moment.  To discuss an issue with no prospects of resolution is crippling to the average man.  We scratch our heads, run to the bat cave or to the local watering hole as women sprain their ankle in hot pursue chasing us “let’s talk, can we just talk about it!?” 

I believe women often don’t need to seek a resolution to an issue in order to begin a heated debate.   Correct me if I’m wrong, but the simple taking the time and effort to address each other’s issues is more than enough to bring relative peace in the hearts of women.  I’ve often times found myself fighting off romantic advances at the end of a heated debate that to my estimation ended with no resolution.   So excuse me if I’m not feeling playful after that interrogation.  Yet she feels free and quite the opposite.   

So there appears to be a sense of resolution for a women where men sit in total dissatisfaction and discomfort.  The question is, should men appease the conversation despite his perception of a potential deadlocked outcome?   Maybe if we do attempt to find the words to communicate, it will place us in a much better situation than just grabbing the car keys and running for the door.


Is untrusting equal to untrustworthy

Are you obligated to trust the person you are in a relationship with?  Should trust be given until proven undeserved, or must it be earned?  Let me get more specific, should you not walk down the aisle with someone you don’t trust 100%?  Some may beg the question “why get married if the trust is not there?”

If a person refuses to trust their spouse, is it due to that person being untrustworthy?  Does the answer to fully trusting lie within one’s own ability to be trustworthy?  Maybe it is insecurities within that person that makes her doubt her ability to fully satisfy her spouse.  Or maybe he doesn’t trust simply due to his past ill experiences, being deceived and witnessing deception from close range?  Some may feel that to fully trust is to be fully taken for a fool, thus are reluctant to take that chance?

If trust is a prerequisite, we must get rid of the baggage of our past, rather personal, parental or vicariously witnessed, we can’t move forward with peace and optimism without resolving the past.  Yet if trust is not a requirement to being in a healthy relationship, how do we deal with the thought of mistrust?