What is a father-less woman to do?
Thanksgiving began with our usual family gathering of me, my sister, brother and his wife and their daughter, my mother and my newly added husband and stepdaughter. This is the first time we’ve all gotten together since my wedding last May. This year my big brother, who during my childhood was the man of my house, decided go around the table and recite what we were thankful for. He told his 8 year old daughter to begin. ” I’m thankful for my mommy, daddy, auntie, grandma,” etc. After dinner we proceeded to the living room to watch a movie, the usual after holiday dinner ritual.
I turned to my mother and asked if she could pull out the only picture of my dad. Since my father left my life at the age of four, I wanted to show my husband a photo of the man that until recently had not been on the forefront of my mind. My mother brought it out and she went back to her bedroom as I showed my new family my only image of my father. This picture has been the only image that has remained in my head all these years. Staring at the photo, I realized that I really didn’t know what my father looked like. My mother reappeared 10 minutes later with 3 photos of my father that I have never seen before. I stared at the photos for some time and marveled at these new images. I tried to conceal my emotions and reaction so that my mother wouldn’t catch a glimpse of my disdain. I took the photos and placed them in my purse hesitantly and discretely so not to let my mother notice.
On the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the man who had abandoned me 24 years ago. Once at home, my husband noticed my mood change and inquired. I shared with him my thoughts on my father’s absence and asked for his opinion of if he were in my father’s shoes, would he’d want me to contact him after all these years. He replied, most definitely. We then got into an intense discussion regarding different scenarios regarding the possible reunion. My husband stated the known facts and tried to tie them together in what may have happened. My father has two children that are older than me, by a wife that he went back to after he and my mom ended their relationship. My husband pointed out that he was probably stuck between two families and both forced him to make a decision. He chose the other family over mine. My husband pointed out that he may have had to choose between staying with my mom, who had me and two older (step) children by another relationship, or go back to a wife and children of his own. It made sense, but I was mad that he never stayed connected. My husband stated that placing the blame may not help because my mother played a roll in this too. I knew this subconsciously but never wanted to feel bad towards my mother.
I struggled with this same issue when we were planning my wedding and my husband wanted to find my father to reunite us, so that my father could walk me down the aisle. He asked my mother about contact information and he could tell that she was obviously disturbed by the thought. We decided against it so we would not add more stress and room for drama during our wedding. Now here is the next big family occasion and the feelings resurface. This stirred up a desire to want to contact my father. I admire the relationship that my husband has with his daughter. I feel that I missed out on so much when I sometimes see how my husband stops whatever he is doing to give his daughter his full attention, how she walks right next to him in the mall so he can put his arm around her, or the pain in his voice when he worries about her. I’ve always longed for that type of relationship with my own father. So many unanswered questions; Do I want to hear his side? Do I want a relationship with him and my other siblings? Are there any health concerns that I need to be aware of? I’m afraid of the possible rejection or his story about what happened and what he may say about my mother. I don’t want to be left with a tarnished image of both my parents. What is a father-less woman to do?
What an interesting issue. My father died when I was a boy and I was the 2nd of 4. I was old enough to miss him dearly to this day but young enough to not absorb enough from him….as if that were possible. 3 years later my little sister was born of another man. (No man stuck around ’til I left the house
) The 6 of us were as healthy a family as could be expected but now my little sister is 26 and recently became more interested in finding out about this man. We, the family, threw my mom to the wolves and told her she had to tell my little sister the other side which allowed me to remain an “uninterested party” if you will. She is currently not seeking him anymore.
My purpose is to suggest that perhaps he didn’t raise you for a reason. Even if he wanted to or felt guilty about it he chose not to every day of your life. I think you probably deserve more and would have been better off if you had the convenience I have of saying my father wasn’t there because he was dead and he would have been a great father.
This isn’t to suggest that I’d not contact him to hear his side of the story but to say it is now your life. It is more to say that today is your turn. You can be the parent and spouse you wanted your parents to be. That is what I try to do today. I try to take lots of pics and have a great relationship with my daughter/soon-to-be-daughters so that if I die or their mother leaves me some day (no signs yet
)they will know I love them, care about them and want to be as much or more a part of their lives as they can stand.
His side is nice to hear but may be tailored for your ears or his current situation. Any other siblings will not view you as more than a distant relative ’til they are in their late 50’s so you’re not missing those (my opinion). Relax about being rejected by a person who abandoned a daughter, it’s a gift, albeit a small one. Health questions I’d consider material information you could use as an excuse to feel him out.
Regarding your image of both your parents I’d also relax about this one. Your mother obviously liked him and thought there was something there. She was wrong as many humans are hourly in relationships. She has no doubt spent countless hours considering her decision, the implications, the results and how she can ensure you are as healthy and adult as possible.
To summarize, I’m not in your shoes but the advice I give to my little sister is that she shouldn’t waste her time on a venture which is likely to only challenge her self-esteem. You are a grown woman now with a family of your own and it is now up to you to change the example which was set for you within your own power. But keep in mind that not all things are in your control.
Hope you receive this well. As I proof read it the whole thing sounds harsh, it is not meant to be as it flows from the heart with a desire for you to be happy. Good luck.
Question: Should a man strongly consider a womans relationship or lack of relationship with her father before taking her serious?
Hi RK, While I don’t really know the answer to your question I thought it was important that a woman I dated had a good relationship with her parents/siblings. But I don’t think I’d have put too much stock in it.
You need closure, I too was in the same situation. I came to Califorina to meet and get to know my father. It did not end well. I saw him for two days and then two more times after that five and 10 years later. It may never be the relationship you want but at least you can extend your hand towards him. He may want to know you and and your family but is afraid to reconnect. It may end just how you want it to . But you will never know until you try. No matter what happens your husband will be the rock you need him to be, so go for it.
Rachel…
I’ve been truly contemplating reconnecting but I’ve decided to hold off until AFTER the holidays as I don’t want to have to interfere with the joys of the holidays just in case my quest is not fulfilled….
Thank you for the insight as I have taken it into great considertion