I don’t want to be a Panther, so what’s a sistah to do?
I’m approaching my 40th birthday, a single parent of one child, educated, excellent job, very independent and perhaps described as kind of a square. I don’t smoke, never done drugs and I don’t drink. I’ve had the opportunity to explore many different monogamous relationships throughout my years. I’ve experienced the fairy tale marriage having everything I wanted but I was so unhappy and my husband had other interest that excluded me. I’ve experienced divorce and know how to live off of practically nothing. I’ve had a fiancée that was virtually a dream, until he became abusive and yes…I walked away and gave the ring back. I’ve had boyfriends who have impressed and blessed me and then suppressed and depressed me. I’ve dated men who were older, younger and the same age range. I don’t really have a particular type of man in mind when I date. Just that they are God fearing, have a good job and their own place and vehicle. And yes, it is a turn off if my date still lives at home with Mom.
Well, my major concern at this point in life is this. OK, most of my girlfriends are older than me. I’ve watched their relationships or lack thereof. They all have great paying jobs and are constantly busy with lives goings-on but they have no significant others. Yes, they date and go out and flirt and have a good time; but no real genuine loving relationship. I call them Panthers, my few white single friends are cougars of course. But my Black friends have a tougher time, we won’t put up with as much BS. Well, our age difference is about 10 to 15 years and it is discouraging to witness 50 year old women prance around without a steady secure relationship to go home to. I’m trying not to see myself like them in 10 years but my dating track record is pointing me in that direction.
Maybe I’m too picky but when I lowered my standards I ended up dating this guy who was country ghetto. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with country because my family is from the country, but the mixture of ghetto makes it flat out wrong. When he pulled his car over one night and got out to pee on the side of the road, I was done with him. I dated a guy from D.C. and tried the long distant relationship thing but he ended up being 51-50 certifiably crazy and put his hands on me. Now, the other guys I’ve dated have been highly educated but disconnected with reality and others that have great jobs but have challenges telling the truth.
I would love to have a man who could equally compliment me; a life companion; a lifelong love. I guess in essence, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to grow old without having someone to spend it with. I want to wake up in the morning next to a man who adores me. I love to cook, travel and play hard but I just don’t want to do it alone. So, there it is…I still often ponder what my first real love is up to these days. But reality sets in and the bottom line is that all I want to be is happy and happy with a good man, but I choose not to sacrifice being unhappy to have a man. So what’s a sistah to do?
signed: Panther Not
Panther Not, by being picky don’t you perpetuate the problem? Especially when black women generally won’t date outside of their race, and Black men will in a heartbeat.
Let’s say a vast majority of the Panthers are picky, making it hard on good and bad brothers to enter into, and grow within a relationship. There is no learning going on. Everyone will be put back on the open market within a year of attempting a relationship.
Now, let’s say the vast majority of the Panthers were not picky, and they did settle. In that situation, the men (and women) have an opportunity to learn and grow into what true commitment is. Helping this situation is the fact that there are less [desperate] Panthers flirting and preying on the men who are supposed to take it home to momma.
What we have to understand is that what you expect and what you get are always going to be different. But the solution is being willing to go through the fire, change with understanding, and grow old together to set an example. I’m not downplaying the difficulty of dealing with ill equipt men (that you Panthers are raising by the way), but being alone and fighting a new man annually doesn’t sound too fun either.
I’m just sayin…?
Panther not, now its obvious I don’t know you but assuming you are semi decent human being, I would say just relax. Date lots of men, don’t turn down many dates…you never know who may be that one for you. 40 y/o… You are still young and have at least 10 more years! Don’t rush it. They say when you look for love you find losers! And all the failed relationships may be preparing you for where you are meant to be for life!
Has anyone ever thought it wasn’t in Gods plan for them to be married? I think a lot of people force marriage because that’s part of the “american dream” but are they meant to coexist with the same person for eternity? I’m not quite sure yet but I don’t think I’m meant for marriage! I guess I’ll see one day!
As a mixed african-american woman in my late thirties. I do believe in the cliche that good things come to those who wait. I believe in the power of prayer. I also believe in fate. Being picky should not be viewed as a set back and should be viewed as a set of standards. Love has no age. For some, real love may come early in life, for others later. The point is that if you do have a chance to experience real love consider it a blessing at any age. Granted, one may exprience a plethora of relationships in an attempt to find real genuine love, but who wants to settle to be unhappy if one’s standards have been comprimised. Its about happiness…if the love you have doesn’t bring forth true happiness then I’d contemplate the validity of it being real. Love has no age. Naturally my grandparents and parents fell in love at very young ages. My grandparents marriage lasted over 59 years till death did they part but it didn’t come easy. My parents lasted 17 years till divorce did they part, staying together for the kids sake. All I’m saying is that real love is a lot of work at any age. If one is happy in-love do what it takes to keep that love at any age. If one is a panther then don’t sacrifice the standards, real lov e maybe closer than you think. Oh, as far as dating outside the race is concerned: my preference is a brotha but I have dated outside my race and find cultural differences can be a bit of a challenge but if you love someone, you’d be willing to indulge in the culture and see where it takes you. Love really has no age and I believe that God will deliver that real love when the time is right.
I believe we as a society and more so as a people are getting weaker in character. We are stuck on a ferris wheel of perpetuation. As you said EH, your grandparents were together till death, your parents were together to raise the kids, and you are single in your late thirties. This is a common trend, each generation diminishes the rate of “relationship success”(if you will). There may be many causes of this fact, and what makes the solution complicated, is that there has to be multiple solutions enacted simultaneously for anything to work.
Each person has to be open to communication and understanding.
Each person has to be open to change and growth.
Each person has to be committed to riding the bad times out.
But the more we screw our children up, the less effective they will be in adult relations. It takes two to tango, but only one to break a promise.
Or given the increases rate of successful career women, we may need to continue to adjust relationships to being totally optional. That may mean that as women gain professionally, they may want to release the tight hold on the relationship “fairy tale” with high expectations of another person being responsible for “your happiness” (the American dream as PC put it).