Complex game of Chess- Social Contracts II
Originally published 2/2/09 
I enjoyed the Super bowl at the home of my new friend Joe Blunt. He is African-American and his wife is not. Of the 20 people there, Joe, my wife and I were the only African-Americans. There were 3 children there; the first was a boy around 10 years old, as well as two girls around 6 years old. My wife and I were introduced to everyone there, including the children. The parents introduced their children and expected the children to greet us just as if they were 30 years old. I noticed how the children had many interactions with different individuals in the home.
At half time, we turned the TV down and the 10 year old was introduced from the back room. He appeared with a sheet of paper in his hand and he proceeded to begin a comedic monolog, sharing about 15 jokes, some where pretty funny. With the exception of one insensitive comment by Joe, the other adults were very encouraging.
I’m open to others perception, but I believe there is a cultural difference between certain sub-cultures within our society that at its most effective core, affects our networking or social interaction.
Pyramiding: For visualization sake, let’s say each person is building a 
pyramid. We stand on the top of our own pyramid. Our goal is to build a strong, wide and tall structure. We use the strength and height of people who are represented by bricks in our pyramid. If we only build a one dimensional flat pyramid, we may fall forward or backwards. If we build it with four corners going North, South, East and West, we may have stability. If we use tall bricks we may reach the sky quicker. Tall bricks are people with a large network or vast knowledge that we may avail ourselves of in the future.
If we have felons, disloyal and unethical people as our foundation, it is only a matter of time when some of their crisis crumbles our pyramid simply by our association. This is why President Obama had to remove the brick of Reverend Wright from his network to avoid collapse. It is difficult to be so choosy when so many from your natural environment have shady past. We can’t disown family or childhood friends so easily. The strong friends and family should be the foundation. The ones who loved you before you were rich. Our enemies if we so chose, should be towards the top, so as to not crumble what is dependant from above. Hence the term, “keep your friend close, and your enemies closer”.
The group that understands and practices this concept of pyramid networking, is looked at by the groups that don’t subscribe to such thought as being “fake and phony”. This feeling is accompanied by mistrust and unwillingness to participate for fear of future backstabbing, which is a legitimate threat. A good friend of mine refuses to act anyway outside of his true self. He feels as if he should not change who he is to fit anyone else’s idea. He has a very strong will and will live and die by his convictions. His personal comfort trumps any perceived social gain. If you have ever watched the new wave of reality TV shows where they have Black people interacting with whites, you’ll notice the term used by Blacks “Keep it Real” or “I’m being Real”. This implies, that “I’m not going to smile in your face and act like I like you and tell you only what you may want to hear. Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth, keep it real and I don’t give a damn if it hurts your feelings. This “attitude” is not viewed positively when trying to build a strong pyramid. Yet the Black culture would rather you know what you are going to get from each relationship.
Pyramiders believe that, “I’d rather do a fake song and dance so that if I need something from you, I’ll be in a better position to get it in the future.” This is a strong contrast between the two cultures. This difference makes Blacks appear to be unnecessarily hostile and ineffective in social and business situations. You can’t beat someone in Chess, while using the rules from checkers.
Being that I am multicultural in that I have extensive relations on both sides of this spectrum, I see that we as Black people have not advanced beyond the mistrust of our history. We have not seen the long term benefits of making ourselves uncomfortable now so that we may benefit somehow in the future. In our culture, bullshiters get called a Muthafucka.
The Black culture is generally more emotion based. Emotional reactions are stronger and more important than intellectual reactions. It is difficult to teach this to our children, but the understanding and balancing of the differences may be a step in the right direction. Some parents may be challenged in emphasizing proper speech and greeting skills in social situations in order to improve their children’s comfort in breaking through barriers.
Kings over Rooks
Stratosphering: Once we get over the Pyramiding issue, the second challenge is what I call the Stratosphering Effect. This is when you meet someone and they automatically take their first impression of you and categorize you. If this is done to you, and you feel as if this person has placed you beneath him, you may feel belittled or patronized by their superiority complex. This often occurs and is at times a miscommunication between cultures. Many of my African-American friends discuss there resentment regarding this situation. It is a difficult fight to get in there and mix it up without growing a chip on your shoulder due to this perceived Stratosphering. Yet one technique I’ve used is the understanding that superiority complexes are a disadvantage, and I can utilize that lowered expectation as an advantage in this game of Chess. Hence I don’t get offended as my friend does when he feels it is his obligation to put people in their place right there on the spot. He burns many bridges while sitting on an island.
Black people who are attempting to be multicultural need to understand that it is not a black or white thing; it is a test that everyone has to go through so that you can be placed in the right layer of one’s pyramid. If you don’t have anything to offer a relationship, then you will be discounted, rightfully so in this complex game of Chess. The problem lies in the bias nature of the test. The way we speak, and our attitude towards certain issues makes us susceptible to not being fully accepted. To complicate it even further, we often have peer pressure to not be fully accepted for the risk of getting our ghetto pass revoked, or being labeled a sell out by our natural environment. The balance I use in my mind is that it is all about the papers, dinero, duckets, the loot… your move.
I taught my children Chess at age 3
We on both sides of this coin need to understand this issue. White people are getting more and more acclimated to the differences due to the popularity of the hip-hop culture. Many are actually seeking out “Black friends”. I educate them on my culture, as I gain valuable knowledge of theirs. So when they make an insensitive comment, I let is roll off my shoulder. Check! We as Black people need to develop a better stance within these dilemmas to pass to the next generation, so they may move forward without the chip on their shoulder and get involved in a wider range of opportunities. You can’t beat someone in Chess, while using the rules from checkers…Checkmate!
This is a good subject if you can take it. My upbringing was that of an average black person growing up in a black neighborhood ( in L.B.). The difference was for me my parents always told me I had to be better than the “whiteboy” twice as good just to be even. As a kid you don’t fully understand this until you grow up and become aware of the differences. I was bussed to all white schools from elementary to high school with a few years at a Military Academy, with the exception of the 9th grade I spent at Franklin Jr. high in L.B.. I’ve been the only black boyscout and the only black at numerous events growing up. That was my FERTILE GROUND to be come who I am today. Growing up I was an OREO and I lived right next to Kings Park. It wasn’t until the 9th grade that I got my culture shock and went to a school in the hood. I got bullied………. yep I did, I didn’t fit in and I was just being me. I got black real quick and have kept it real and will continue to do so, but I also kept the insight of the other side. It’s like I have Duel citizenship with cultures. I pick my battles and give no person power over me. I use their ignorance as my power and let them see me as one dimensional when in actuality I’m years ahead of the game. It is what it is pick your battles some white people are cool and others just don’t know because they are only around other white people or assimilated Negroes. I got lots more but I gotta go get my daughter from school……………… As real as they come
I am half African and Spaniard. Both my parents speak fluent Spanish because they were raised in a Spanish speaking county. When my parents came to the states and settled in the Midwest, no one was there to guide the non-speaking English so our language barrier was hard at first. My Mother asked that we speak English at home at all times to help her better communicate at work. We settled in a predominantly black neighborhood. My mother was very dark and my father was very fair. So I too was often called Oreo by black, white, and Latin kids. My mother was proud of whom she turned out to be and never let racial comments from any cultures affect her. But I was different in the beginning. I came out looking Indian w/Black Features. God knows I did not fit in the mid-west. Often girls would pull my hair down to ground to see if it was real or try to slash my face. Out of anger I often fought back only to get in trouble at home. I finally too decided to pick my battles wisely and let ignorant comments pass my ears. My goal to be successful was definitely more important. I went to a predominantly white school from Age 12 to 14 then ask my parent to remove me from this private school. I received a lot of ignorance from teachers there where my public school teachers embraced my talents. I now could handle tautning kids but adults it was difficult. I dealt with pressures from all cultures in high school. My friends in the beginning thought I was strange that I had no preference in dating. I love R&B music and danced salsa. So I enjoyed dating boys from different cultures.
My father wanted to make sure we dated within the Hispanic culture. However, his daughters did not. He was bothered by this. He assumed we would get pregnant and a black or white man would leave us immediately stranded. I temporarily began dating only Latin guys so that my dad and I could have a better relationship. I later got pregnant by a Latin guy who left me shortly afterword finding out I was with child. My younger siblings never faced my father’s ignorance since he realized any man could hurt his baby girls if they are not careful.
My husband is mixed and we attend many cultural functions and relate well with all types but I can sense their animosity quickly when others feel “he or she doesn’t belong”. I look passed their ignorance feeling sorry for them. Times are somewhat improving and my son finds very few issues while he dates girls of all cultures. I am so very proud that he is fully capable of seeing a person for a beauty that is beyond our cultural differences.
If their eyes looks truly look pass our outer layer then our beauty within will certainty wash away their ignorance.
I grew up in a home where my Dad was prejudice and my Mom was not. Thus, I got to see both sides of how “white” people or other races were perceived from my parents. My Mom was a bigger influence on me because she was the one who dragged my brother and I to all the parties and various events around town. By the time we were teenagers, we had been around many races; in fact, my Mom made it a point to take us out of our neighborhood (Compton) into othe cities that were predominantly white; think Torrance in the late 70′s. I wouldn’t go so far to say this allowed me to get along with my white counterparts better when I went to college (UCLA) or begin my career later in life, but I will say the childhood experiences paved the way for me to avoid the culture shock I hear so many blacks say they have experienced when trying to graduate into the corporate world. As I moved along in life, Imust admit, my speaking habits, intelligence and just straight-up honesty with any white person I came across is what gained respect immediately. They learned right away, this is not the typical black person I have come to know from some movie or TV show. I’m not sure where I would fit in within the pyramid, stratospehere or what have you, but I do know I do not play a role for anyone, I accept anyone at face value. I guess what I’m saying here is, I don’t try to fit in anywhere, I am who I am and I choose my friends, associates, etc. wisely. I guess I keep it real with myself, I don’t feel I need to show someone up to let them know where I stand. Trust me, ignoring stupidity goes a long way!!
We all pyramid; some of us are more calculating. For example, my natural environment at the beginning of my adult life was black women. So if I started a business for example, I’d have them to market to. But that group didn’t offer as much opportunity in other areas. Later I learned (still learning) the value of having a network of friends and alliances that can help me in broader ways. The payment for having a strong pyramid is to have something to offer others, rather it be support, encouragement or knowledge. Your last comment speaks volumes- ignore…
It’s not about personal comfort before being social. It’s about morals and spirituality before the comfort of others. Our parents should have taught us to have the courage of our convictions and to not let any relationship come between God and what is right. Bearing false witness is a sin in any faith. Being who you are supposed to be and following God’s direction transcends the laws of money and business. If business and money comes before God and what is right then we have in effect chosen a new God. Whatever pyramid you build, you can build it with people you respect and trust. It shouldn’t have false bricks in it and you shouldn’t have to do a dance to keep it up. Yes you should present yourself in the most positive way but morals and ethics should be in the blueprints.
If the commanders of this ship (Financial industry and Government) placed morals, God and what’s right ahead of business and money, we probably would not be in this financial crisis today. However, morals, God and what’s right are different to many. So the song and dance is the tolerance of people’s ways, even if they are based in ignorance. Many people you may call ignorant, moral-less and Godless, may say the same thing about you. The difference between right and wrong in my opinion is to live and let live, by not giving just anyone the power over your emotions, manifested in judgment.
Harriet Tubman said ” I would have freed more slaves if I could have convinced them that they were slaves”. What is the destination you hope to gain from your multicultured amiable pyramid. I would rather build my own pyramid than to have to shuck and jive for a few pieces of silver and some help. Must we act like ASSIMILATED NEGROS in your pyramid to get invited to the table to eat. To ask a strong BLACK MAN to be anything but is like asking a lion not to roar. A lot of our anger is not from the past it’s from the present the racism is covert and sometime very hard to detect unless you know what to look for. I get along with white people or anybody else but I will always be real even if it means ” i have to die on my feet than live on my knees” I don’t have an antidote fore this anecdote but my pride is worth more than A FIST FULL OF DOLLARS. Black to the future
We individually have options as to how and with whom we build our pyramid. Ideally I’d build mine to assist me in understanding the different aspects of all people. I’m not that good at it because of a common tendency to do what is comfortable. Yet we all should strive for some type of balance. Not to lose one’s self, yet at the same time, to grow. Some of us think we can’t do both.
To me, being a strong black man is having the willingness to represent to the world, as well as take execllent care of all my responsibilities. Slaves are not assimilated, that’s why they are slaves. Slaves get denied opportunity due to a force holding them back. To go where I please, do as I please and have the funds to make it happen is not slave-ish. Assimilation is a big word, I think multicultural is a better term that depicts the understanding without the losing of one’s culture. There are aspects of all cultures that I don’t agree with, so I walk to a mixed drum because I’ve allowed myself the learned introspection.
I agree sir but I play the game by the rules that have been set and exploit and circumvent them with my extraordinary abilities to make my own way. If you play the game by one set of rules the person that created the game has the advantage. ie Tiger Woods, they changed pro courses because he was that good. That’s why I called my company CHANGETHEGAME because my thought process is different. I don’t have a big bankroll to back me, but watch whats about to happen in the near future. The Revolution will be televised and it will be in HD ………. I love you man……………. and to people of other races I’m not hating on you, I just see things in a panoramic vision. I’m cool with any man until he screws me over then I will separate him or downgrade his position if I need him in my PYRAMID.
In response to the Stratosphering Effect theory:
In my personal experience, I do not take it personally when I have to continuously demonstrate that I am not the black negative stereotype. However it is sometimes exhausting.
Sometimes I feel as though if I do something wrong, people will look at the entire race instead of me as an individual. Which is probably why I feel that I have to consciously remember daily that to some, I am representing the entire black race.
As a black woman, I occasionally even find myself defending who I am around people of my own race because sometimes people too often associate a black female as a person with a lot of negative attitude. Since when is a person who has an opinion a bad attribute?
At work, I realized at an early age that I had to work twice as hard as a person of a different race just to be an average employee. In fact, I remember people of other races saying that black people were usually lazy employees.
So to make a long story short, I am not angry about having the opportunity to be a great example of someone of color, but it can be exhausting at times.
In addition to decreasing negative stereotypes, we also have to ask ourselves; is it really only a “black or white thing” or is it also a “social economical thing”?
One last point –
One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Corinthians 13: 1-8 and 13 (NIV):
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails….And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
You see, I feel that with love we can conquer all! Love will teach us to get along with one another and it will also help us to discover that through our differences we are one.
Let the church say AMEN
AMEN!
The wealth of our people is measured by our ability, willingness and success at TRANSCENDING our past. I am open to dialogue, action and leadership in this regard. We all understand the What and the Why, we need to focus on the How, and do it Now.
In academically studying how power is distributed I’ve observed these patterns. I marvel at the amassed pyramid of my former CEO. He is such a hard worker, so I asked him how does he manage all this and still enjoy life. He said that he has tons of friends (who end up million dollar clients) and to solidify their friendship they party on yachts, at exclusive clubs and golf courses. I asked him a question relating to his intelligence and how he keeps all his information at his fingertips. He said when you have smart friends who help you a lot, you feel obligated to lean as much as possible so that you can help them in return. By listening you can find out what they are interested in, then you seek additional information in that area so when you talk to your friend you have valuable conversation for him or her.
As a member of a people who have fell short of amassing their “fair” share of power, I share my thoughts. Yet academics always over analyzes life actualized. You are absolutely right regarding being more natural in your dealing with people and not strictly seeing “what can this person do for me”. Yet many people need to ask “what will this person do to me”. We all spend time genuinely building meaningful spontaneous relationships. I suggest we should consider the long term effects of our efforts as we do what comes natural to us.
Bigotry and ignorance can cause us to build a narrow pyramid. Some may not need to build pyramids that advance their careers; many may need to build a pyramid that advances their understanding of different cultures and ways of life for personal growth. But we all should look at our current structures and objectively see if we can diversify ourselves for our own personal enrichment.
To play, how hard to play, how fair to play, and if you play to win are personal decisions we all must make.
I can see your point Mr Harris, and certainly appreciate the merits of your pyramiding and stratosphering social theory. We are all pyramids of some sort, all built according to our own and imperfect personal design. Some are better or more creative architects than others; some build magnificent constructions that stand out from the rest, others are just happy to build ordinary structures.
However, I cannot help thinking that there should be a bit more to life than just careful brick-laying and stratospheric networking. I might be a bit of a dreamer or just a weird European, but I believe that a little bit of spontaneity should never leave our daily lives.
Of course we should never forget how crucial certain social interactions are, especially in our professional lives, for our success; yet if we completely remove the wonder element from our daily routine, and we see all exchanges as a game of chess, where gain is the reward, then personal gain is overlooked. If we win, we feel good but have we learnt something from the other person, was our life enriched by that exchange, or did we just briefly evaluate him/her as just another opponent, then moved on to the next game?
If we lose, do we ponder for a moment on what we really lost? Was it just a game, or more?
In my language we have a saying: “L’importante è partecipare”, which means “It’s not important to win, but to play”. This is a reflection of my culture and probably the reason why I have some difficulty viewing life as a game in which the important is to win.
But these are just my two cents, so the game is still on.. let’s keep playing and if we have some fun while doing it, even better!
When i was younger i had to work hard to obtain my goals. I always knew what i wanted to do and become. But i also knew that it would be harder coming up from my life style. I seriously had to work hard, taking two years off of high school (9th and 10th) just so i could work. And than being able to finish high school in only two years. Now i am 18, finished high school in two years, with out any parents there to help me. I also started my own company at 14 employeeing my own brother, that way with the bad economy i would always have something to fall back on. I also started at lbcc this year and finishing even though im pregnant and my due day is the begining of june. It sometimes makes me mad of the fact that i don’t get credited for all my acomplishments even though my hard child hood, simply because im white. I don’t see how if a young black man graduates from high school on time that is an accomplishment and he gets praised for it, but if a young white man graduates on time that is just something he is supposed to do. The discrimination goes both ways. But i don’t mind what people think because i know in the end i didn’t do any of this to prove people right about white people. I did it for my self.
Wow, congratulations on all your accomplishments. I have faith that success will stay with you throughout your journey, just stay positive. The words of pride showered upon you are reason to strive, especially coming from people who love you. Without that we will feel a void and bitterness to all of our sweet. I hope that you find that support group who will cry for your defeats and praise your successes. Color is not truly the issue here, it is love.
An example of positive pyramiding:
You just got paroled 6 months ago. You secured a pizza delivery job so that you can pay for your new rent and try to catch up on your back child support. You are contemplating having a few friends over to your apartment for a little get together. You can invite one of two groups of people you know.
The first group are the homies from your old block. You know the party will be a lot of fun. You can relax and be yourself, you think to yourself “that’s why I want to have a get together, to relax and be myself”. But you know that you are going to at the very least smell some weed being fired up in the back. You know that the two songs that are going to get the most rotation is “Bitches ain’t shit”, and “It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t get none”.
The second group of people you can invite are a bit more reserved. You most likely will not smell marijuana, and the music will be more radio appropriate with more of a R&B feel to it. The cops are less likely to turn that party out at 1am.
Given your current parole status and your efforts to better your financial situation, you decide to invite the second group as you look for your old Keith Sweat CD. The day of your party as you about to clock out of work you have a casual conversation with the assistant manager that is leaving at the same time. Given the group that you are inviting you think this guy will fit in good with that crowd. You invite him and ask for his cell number so you can text him the address.
The party is a hit and you have almost as much fun as you would have with the herb smell laminating. The next day you and the assistant manager share some laughs about the high points of the party. You get off that day and run to the mall to do a bit of shopping for your son’s birthday gift. You run across a sale at a department store where the price of what your assistant manager said he wanted is 50% off. You text him and give him a heads up on the great deal.
The following week you arrive back to the pizza parlor from delivering an order and you see a man walking out with a baseball bat, he gets in his car speeds off. You learn that the guy was a husband of a woman that you delivered a pizza to earlier in the shift. Your manager calls you into his office and advises you that the man with the bat was looking for you so he could hit a home run with your noggin. The manager asked “why did you call his wife back after delivering a pizza and ask her out on a date”. You scramble for an excuse for your inappropriate actions. You blurt out, “I didn’t know she was married”. You know that’s not good enough so you add a lie, “she flirted with me, winked at me and pinched my butt on my way out of the door.
It turns out that the manager conferred with the assistant manager about what he should do. Your job was saved because you chose to build alliances with people who can positively influence your ability to pay your child support as opposed to hinder it. Effective pyramiding…