What should I do if I feel as if you don’t love me, don’t care about me, and subsequently I am not happy?
Jermaine, I turn to you as a last resort. I feel that you are very different from my husband so I have doubt that you can understand my position. I feel stuck inside a box that is constantly shrinking. I got married at 20 years old to my high school sweetheart against my parent’s advisement. Just as they said, I am now a college drop-out with three kids.
I’m working on my ninth year of marriage and every day feels like a hard labor sentence. Simply put, my husband has not changed or grown at all in the nine years we’ve been together. I know that I committed to what he was, but I was too young to understand the growth factor. I didn’t know that I’d outgrow him and he’d just stand still and be so content with mediocrity. For example, when I told him that I wanted to move away from the Southside, he said “what’s wrong with the hood?” I don’t want to raise my kids in this environment. When I asked him what school should I go to because I want to finish, he said “I don’t know, that’s your business”.
My husband has skills, but he only works 40 hours a week and puts in a good 50% effort. Even though he could work on the side or do overtime to bring more money in, he won’t. I make more than he does. The relationship has taken some hard hits, I’m aware of a long term relationship he’s in that we’ve fought over many many days. I almost left him for another man and that got his attention for a while. When I try to tell him how I feel, he shuts down and gets defensive. I don’t know if he doesn’t understand, care or feel if he could or should address my happiness. Since I have three kids with him, am I stuck?
Signed Stuck in a shrinking box,
Dear Stuck in a shrinking box, the question is begged, are people responsible to grow with their partner? When one person grows and the other does not, that is just the same as growing apart. And this happens all the time. Couples must make the asserted effort to control their growth to ensure commonalities. But given your youth and naivety you were not thinking on that level.
No one convinced you that it is important to talk about how you see your future unfolding before you got married. No one convinced you to start hobbies and start projects and take classes together so that your interests remain in alignment. Given your limited income, you may not have the luxury of expanding vacations that feed your need for pleasurful mutual experiences that you two can share when in the company of other couples.
To respond to your inquiry, I can’t advise you on staying or leaving. Only you know what impact a split will have on the entire family. Sometimes separation is the best situation for the kids, but often times it is not. And the question remains, shall an adult sacrifice his/her happiness for the kids? I have a general rule of 3, which is once you have 3 kids you are stuck until the youngest is 14. But that rule is just because I think too much, I don’t have 3 kids so I can’t say how I’d respond emotionally once in your shoes.
Often when the women is expanding and the bread winner, they feel that they have an additional child instead of a husband, and to leave him would bring guilty thoughts like “What will he do without me?” You should not have any guilt regarding the vows that are already shredded, nor guilt for what a grown man will do with himself. But the question is regarding the kids and your realistic chance at happiness on your own. Dating with three small kids at home is no joke.
Consider all the unknowns, his next girlfriend around your kids, future step-parenting, your children’s adjustment period… If you decide to leave, give it one more effort once you have all your assets lined up and you are able to jump out the door. Come up with a written 20 question quiz and give it to him when everything is peaceful in the home. This quiz is to help him understand your thought process and your perspective. Force him to think linearly about your relationship.
The first few questions should ask him what he expects from you so that he can reflect on your roll. The next few should focus on the things he does well. The next few should focus on what he does not do. The last should focus on possible solutions to issues with the relationship you may have, such as the title of this article.
He will either disregard the quiz, which really helps you make your decision. If he does, do not respond; give him time to adjust, process and respond later. He may discuss your shortcomings as he takes offense. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy, if he is willing to do the same for you. But if he discusses his shortcomings, you have him where you want him. Stop him before he gets into it and say that you want to discuss how you can be a better wife first.
Hello I just joined, I believe if you read your own statement, and just pretended someone else wrote it asking you for advice, you will have your answer – you have been together for nine years, you did not finish college, you have three kids, and you make more money than he does. He has no desire to better himself, and does not care if you do. he is a hood rat. He has a job to which you say he only gives 50% effort to and he has another long term relationship going on to which you are AWARE of. If money is tight, how can he afford this, who is paying for that pussy, YOU. (I hope he wears a condom at home as well as outside) He has all that he wants, and this will be all he wants to be. So as you have endured for nine years, endure for another year while you stack enough to pay for your move. You say you almost left him for another man, and that got his attention for awhile. If ALMOST got it for awhile, LEAVE and you will keep his attention. But don’t leave for another man. You have been doing it by yourself anyway. If you cannot do without the sex, learn to masterbate or when your feeling Horney/vulnerable pretend you are falling for the bullshit, screw him at his place, hotel, motel whereever and leave in the morning saying I love you I’m just not sure, you’ve promised this before, you say you’ll change but how long will this change last after I come back, I need more time to think, I’ll call you later. Never let him come to your new spot it may be inconvenient but it will work. From a
Wise Cat to you kitten. Know the hunt is always better than the Kill.
NOTE: For Payback to the person to whom he has had that long time relationship let that Bitch have HIM the life you have now will be hers.
What a tough spot to be in. People think they should stay together for the kids, and it seems like a good idea. But what about the difference between staying in an unfulfilling relationship and a bad relationship. When your daughter/s (if you have a girl) is married do you want her to stay with a husband who has a long term relationship outside of her? The examples you set today will impact the lives of your children. Will your son/s (if you have son/s of course) think there is a reward in maintaining fidelity and honoring a woman or will they miss the boat as their father may be doing for short term pleasures?
While I don’t know what you should do I have an Idea where you can start. Many employers have an employee assistance program (EAP) which among many benefits, offers free counseling. They will offer you 3-5 sessions with a counselor usually once per year per “issue”. I used these services twice in the past and it helped me get my mind on track. One time I needed more than the amount they provided so I named one issue a personal issue and one a marriage issue and they covered some extra sessions and I paid for a few. EAP programs are confidential; not even your employer will know you have used the service because they pay a flat fee to the provider and do none of the administration and there is no real follow-up.
Side note on counselors: A counselor should be a well trained and able to listen to your issues, ask you pertinent questions and help guide you to making your own decisions. Some of them are nutty, perhaps it goes with the territory, and you should just walk away if you feel someone isn’t interested in being a genuine help to you. EAP will not count your first meeting toward the total benefit if you tell them you didn’t feel comfortable with the counselor before a 2nd meeting.
Good luck
Note on WiseCat
I must agree with WiseCat in that you should not leave him for another man. When you end a relationship you truly do need time with yourself to reflect on who you are, what you want today and what will make you happy in the future. Having another man around will most certainly ensure failure to do that for yourself and your children. For me that was very scary….’til I did it and and realized how much I grew and how much I began to understand what I wanted in a wife/girlfriend.
You are never stuck dear. The finale decision my not be optimal but never stuck. The 3/14 rule is cute in theory but what life do you give your children if they always hear mom and dad fight? How does your son learn to respect women if dad doesn’t respect the most important woman in his life? How does your daughter know what to expect from a man if she consistently see mom cry with dad inflicted pain? I think I may be one of the only but I’ve never understood staying for the children, pain does not make children grow! He can be an outstanding father from his own apartment or home. When you said your vows I’m pretty sure they didn’t include tearing you down. Now, I’m not married but I was in a pretty serious relationship with my daughters father and we split 4years in. The turning point of a verbally turned physically abusive relationship was when my 2 year old jumped at the sound of her own fathers voice. Instead of joy it was uncertainty on my toddlers face when her father walked in the room! I couldn’t imagine putting myself or child through that for 13 more years just to say its a complete home. If you’ve wrote into a blog for advice I’m sure you are at witts end, but nobodies advice will matter until you make up in your mind what you will stand for as a woman, a mother, a protector, and your children’s everything! So you are not stuck but your childrens emotional development may be.
I completely agree with all comments posted thus far. In my teen years my parent’s weren’t getting along and you could feel the tension. It eventually turned to a mom side/dad side battle. Leave Leave Leave… Don’t ever stay because of the children. It does not provide the happy healthy environment you think it will. Yes, it will be harder, but when you become a parent, life is about the development of the child. It sounds as though you are already holding the household by yourself anyway. I say drop him and watch your utility bills go down.
Wow, I try to come from the perspective of keeping the family together and trying and trying and trying. I think we are too quick to disregard others feelings when it comes to commitment. And too quick to run away prematurely. Only the people in the relationship know when enough is enough. These perspectives are great advice on what other things you need to consider, not particularly about staying or going, but the fallout of either decision. Good luck to you.
Yes you try, and only the people involved know when enough is enough, she has had enough -
Nine years, trying, trying, and trying – She said she was too young to understand the growth factor which means she understands now and She is not stuck on stupid! SHE is Stuck in the Shrinking Box. I interpret her statements and the question being was she stuck with him because she has 3 kids for him. She is stuck with him in her life, him being the father of her children, not with him as a Husband. She feels like its a Hard labor sentence. Marriage is a labor sentence but, there is all kinds of sentences, Federal, State, County – Minimum, Medium, Maximum, and Supermaxx. It is a difference how you will be treated and what happens when you get sentenced to life at 18-50, versus getting sentenced to life at 51 and Up.
Off the subject but it parallels in sentences Bernie Madoff was sentenced for 150 years in prison he is about 75 and dying of cancer. (What an Impact -NOT)
Marriage is hard work, but it should be a labor of Love.
I first married when I was 19 years old and had a strong christian view of marriage. She was a nut and I wouldn’t be surprised if she were dead or in a mental hospital right now. Every day (not an exaggeration) she accused me of sleeping with someone else, she would sleep while I was at work, try to keep me up all night and get angry when I couldn’t, occasionally I’d wake up with her straddling me raining fists at me, she threw all kinds of objects at me and stabbed a nail file into my collar bone and to make matters worse I overheard her telling her mother that I was physically abusing her. It was very difficult for me not to beat the shit out of her and if I didn’t have the fear of military justice over my head I would have.
I stayed with her for almost a year of unanswered misery and stayed faithful because I believed that God wanted you to stay married once you were. I of course came to change my view of this and have come to believe that God wants you in healthy relationships and he/she wants you to make decisions in the best interest of you and your children. This is why I believe you can be proud of leaving a relationship which will prevent you and your children from seeking self fulfillment.
I’m reminded of a recent JH article which discusses the legacy of the black family. As I read it I realized this phenomenon is not restricted to black families but that the black family is most identified here in the United States as such. Article here … http://www.jermaineharris.com/2009/09/3944/