I read an article many years ago titled, “Always Fly First Class” about making choices to live your life the way you want it to be as opposed to where your life is today.

**Regarding cheating ***
I’ve learned some hard lessons on both sides of the issue and my belief is that this topic is only the business of the 2 or three people directly involved. By informing someone else about the infidelity of their partner you are opening yourself up to violent retaliation in a battle you shouldn’t be fighting anyway. It’s a good way to lose a friend or at worst get a bullet in your head.

Women like men, can only take so much on one front before tugging that frustration into other relationships. Just like if you’ve had a bad day at work, you may be more short with the kids. If this happens enough people will either rebel or tip toe to make sure daddy doesn’t explode when he comes home. Same with women, if your girl is constantly being mistreated chances are her reaction to things and overall being will change. Therefore effecting the friendships. You are right, they are different subject but not that different when it deals with the approach of the problems. Personally, I’m not the one to say a word. If someone was cheating on my girl, I wouldn’t get in that…not my business unless it had the potential to effect me and my flow. As for a friend doing something that may hurt the overall happiness, safety and well-being of the crew…again I stand quiet but I may casually distance myself from the “closeness”. I refuse to let another grown, self responsible being effect my or the flow of my family. But like I said before, you are a smart and sensible man… I’m sure with time, you will analysis the situation and come up with a solution that works for the both of you.

Of course, being friends isn’t just about doing favors for one another. Friends hang out, have conversations, share meals, celebrate each others’ victories, mourn each others’ losses, and so much more. But when a friend is in need, you’re there. Sometimes all they ask for is a sympathetic ear while they complain about the boss; or a recommendation for a good dentist; sometimes they need more. And we all end up on both ends of the equation at some point. That’s okay, that’s as it should be.

But sometimes you find yourself constantly on the “giving” side of the friendship. Or on the “needy” side, perhaps. I’ve been on both, and when I find myself always asking the same friend for help I make certain they know I realize what’s happening. I apologize for being so needy, and always find a way to make it up to them. I try to restore “balance” as soon as I can. When I end up on the “giving” side so often that it becomes an issue in other parts of my life I will try to find out what deeper problem my friend might have that’s creating this ongoing neediness. Sometimes you can help, sometimes you can’t.

It’s when you can’t help that the true nature of the “friendship” comes out. Over the years I have had “friends” who needed help often, & I gave & gave until I had nothing left to give. And rather than being grateful for all the help I had given, they became angry at me because I had nothing left to give. A few of these people needed to be told that their problems were something they couldn’t see: a drug or alcohol addiction, a lousy marriage, being totally self-centered, etc. And sometimes when you give people like this the unvarnished truth, when you take the “tough love” approach, they hate you. Eventually, if they are a real friend, things will get better. If they are not a real friend, or so selfish that they won’t admit to being wrong, they are gone forever.

My dad used to tell me that a person will go though life with hundreds of acquaintances but only a very few true friends. Now I find myself telling my kids the same thing. I also find myself telling them another bit of my dad’s wisdom about being let down by a friend. Look at the situation from their point of view. Are they giving you the “tough love” treatment; or are they retreating because you gave it to them? Or are they not really a friend at all, just someone who is using you? Or are you using them? Or are one of you just “out-of-sorts” & moody? My dad always said that these questions are sometimes hard to answer truthfully, but if you do you’ll know whether (or why) your friend let you down.

Sometimes it’s a big thing: you lent them a bunch of money & they don’t pay it back; you get them a job & they don’t show up for work; etc. Sometimes it’s a little thing: not returning your calls; a mean-spirited comment about your weight or hair. Friends let each other down, it happens. And a wise person said something about true friendship overlooking flaws, so ignore the occasional letdown. When the letdowns come often, & I have asked myself the questions my dad suggested, sometimes I find the need to reclassify someone as an acquaintance. It always makes me sad, especially when it’s someone I have known for decades. Sometimes it’s my fault, but not lately.

On the other hand, sometimes someone you’ve thought of as an acquaintance turns out to be a real friend. You may not even realize it at first, so keep your eyes open. Especially when you have been let down, truly let down, and had to reclassify someone. You may have a friend (or two) lurking nearby that you haven’t noticed. And when you do notice them try your best not to let them down. We all could use another friend.

Clark

Interesting point. I feel that the main difference between your Fave5 and everyone else is that 5 are responsible for deeper feelings, deeper investment, deeper experiences. So if I’m not in someone’s Fave5 and I see flaws in them, it’s cool, we can still hang out and do what we do. But if one of my Fave5 goes to jail, I bail; if he’s on the run, I’m stashing and covering for him; if he’s dead wrong, I got his back through thick or thin. There is extra responsibility and risk on all 5′s part. So if there is a personality flaw that keeps biting him in the ass, it is up to us to point that out and for us as a group to examine and openly discuss the issues that may one day bring us all down.

Given the delicacy of manhood and saving face, we can only discuss at appropriate times, once, maybe twice, but after it’s all on the table it is left to that person to adjust or continue to hit his head against the wall.

I think my friend and I both know what we feel about each others lifestyles, but we are not inclined to change outside of our respective comfort zones. So we’d have to learn to deal with those perceived flaws and wait until they eat at the fabric of our friendship. Which they have done.

So do close friends have a responsibility to share their perspective of their close friends lifestyles? Or is letting them do what ever without holding them accountable a part of being that “good friend”?