I agree with ending a relationship that is doing more harm than good. However, hearing someone lose a 15 yr relationship is devastating! I can’t imagine a circumstance that would cause a 15 yr close (favorite 5) friendship to end. ????

Many people in our country have gone through so much over the last two years, and unfortunately the stress has caused conflict & disintegration in several unions. In addition to being emotionally distraught, losing a friend to a breakup or death is like losing a piece of yourself.

I hope that you two can some how find a way through God’s strength to accept each other’s differences and mend your relationship! If possible, find another acquaintance to enjoy simply things with, and continue to receive the blessings that your 15 yr friendship has to offer. Your friendship is crucial during this time of distress/season, and you two may need each other now more than ever! Also consider how this breakup might affect your family and or the other 3 friends on the boat.

God Bless

Sometimes, when we need people, pride or bitterness may force us to push them away further. As true friends we have to resist being pushed away by our friends in need. But that tug-o-war can get tiring. What if both people need each other and they both push away?

Some people come into your life for a season and serve a great purpose. Perhaps the season has passed and you two have out grown each other. You didn’t lose a friend, you’ve just spread your wings for the journey ahead.

I’m sure that doesn’t ease the pain, hurt or confusion but knowing he has cared enough about you to disapprove of certain behavior should help you through the self doubt that’s sure to come.

Two bulls together can be a very powerful duo. However, two stubborn bulls at odds with each other is a very messy fight.

It sounds like you both have extremely dominating personalities. I think that it is important to remember to always be happy for each other’s success, more often than pointing out flaws. And there is no need for a power struggle because there is enough room at the top for us all!

Regarding the “Both Need, Both Push Away” statement – In a sense, pushing away is a sign of vulnerability. Yet still, one of the bulls will have to be first to put aside the pride & bitterness and allow God to restore the friendship.

Your 15 yr friendship is in my prayers.

God Bless

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” – Proverbs 27:17

One way to know if your relationship is doomed is if, when you do well, the other person does not feel good about it. When you fail, the other person feels good about it. These odds, rather it be haterism, loathing or resentment, will tear a relationship apart.

So if you feel the opposite of your friend about his/her situation, you need to check yourself.

I also recently parted ways with a friend I had for quite a while. But what I found in losing that friendship was ME.

I really wasn’t aware that in an effort to maintain that friendship, I was losing my own identity. I became “so and so’s girl.” Although there were many great moments I can vividly remember of the times we spent together, they fall in comparison to the moments spent knowing I am staying true to myself – my morals and values and conscience decisions I make which make ME happy not solely for someone else’s pleasure.

Life causes us to grow and sometimes in that growth there becomes a necessity to cut people out of our lives who don’t fit into our newly discovered world.

We’ll always have our memories. Now there’s room for new friends (if only for a season.)

There may be something wrong with your state of mind if you aren’t able to see the good that everyone else is so freely able to see, or if you are heartbroken at your friend’s fortune.
I’ve never liked the feeling of jealousy, so at an early age a made a decision to practice being happy for others when they prosper. So instead of saying, “Dang why them”, I say, “Yeah for them, & I know that I’m next.”

Resentment? I believe that the spirit of resentment & un-forgiveness has to be healed before any attempt in mending a relationship.

There is three sides to every story…yours, his and what actually happened. Be you, do you and worry about you. What others think of you isn’t any of your business. Everyone has flaws but as friends its not our job to point them out, only assist when they choose to correct them. I’ve recently had to let someone go secondary to negative and perceived haterism…initially I missed the phone calls and stomach knotting laughs but I quickly got over it. It wasn’t a 15 year friendship but like any relationship, initially the separation hurts, but then you get over it. I’m sure you guys will dust off your egos and be friends again. Give it time!

“Everyone has flaws but as friends its not our job to point them out, only assist when they choose to correct them.”

Interesting point. I feel that the main difference between your Fave5 and everyone else is that 5 are responsible for deeper feelings, deeper investment, deeper experiences. So if I’m not in someone’s Fave5 and I see flaws in them, it’s cool, we can still hang out and do what we do. But if one of my Fave5 goes to jail, I bail; if he’s on the run, I’m stashing and covering for him; if he’s dead wrong, I got his back through thick or thin. There is extra responsibility and risk on all 5′s part. So if there is a personality flaw that keeps biting him in the ass, it is up to us to point that out and for us as a group to examine and openly discuss the issues that may one day bring us all down.

Given the delicacy of manhood and saving face, we can only discuss at appropriate times, once, maybe twice, but after it’s all on the table it is left to that person to adjust or continue to hit his head against the wall.

I think my friend and I both know what we feel about each others lifestyles, but we are not inclined to change outside of our respective comfort zones. So we’d have to learn to deal with those perceived flaws and wait until they eat at the fabric of our friendship. Which they have done.

So do close friends have a responsibility to share their perspective of their close friends lifestyles? Or is letting them do what ever without holding them accountable a part of being that “good friend”?

Perfectly understandable, and to some degree I do agree with the notion of the Fav 5. Or atleast the concept of holding them to higher standards. However, as boisterous and beefy as the male ego is, it is that much more fragile. Hence, “the bigger they are the harder they fall”. For example, as a woman, if we know (by proof or reasonable doubt) our girls man is cheating on her. Under no circumstance can we go straight to her and say “listen girl, so and so is stepping out on you”. She will end up angry with her girls because guess what, that man has something we don’t have and can probably lie is way out of a cave in Afghan desert. So they best way to deal with that and concern with the Fav 5 lifestyle is to tactfully demonstrate the harm or potential harm without cornering him so that his defenses are up and he no longer hears concern, he hears and feels “threat”. So if you really care for someone, sometimes it takes out smarting them to rid them of their vice.
I hate to use this quote but at some point in college I took a Terrorism class and while I was complaining about the cost of the book, I stood there in line and flipped through the pages. One quote that stuck out to me that applies to many typical as well as Atypical human beings is “Extremism in defense of my liberty is no vice”. With the term “liberty” being used insanely loose, with our backs against the wall, we all come out swinging and sometimes innocent bystanders get the brunt of the attack. You are a smart man, you’ll figure it out.

Should you tell your friend if their partner is cheating on them is a separate topic of discussion. But I don’t think that represents a character flaw or a hindrance to a friendship. The shoe may be on the opposite foot next year. How a girlfriend is treated by her man may affect a women’s relationship with her friends, but in my opinion, that is one of the downfalls of woman to woman relations. Women often define themselves by the state or lack of their relationship with men. So they tend to be inconsistent to female friends due to this. Consistency helps.

It’s not always easy to be a good friend, I know. Sometimes friends ask things of you at inconvenient times, or ask for something that will strain other relationships, and you just aren’t always in a position to help them out. But if they are a close friend, you give it your best shot knowing they will reciprocate if you ever need something.

Of course, being friends isn’t just about doing favors for one another. Friends hang out, have conversations, share meals, celebrate each others’ victories, mourn each others’ losses, and so much more. But when a friend is in need, you’re there. Sometimes all they ask for is a sympathetic ear while they complain about the boss; or a recommendation for a good dentist; sometimes they need more. And we all end up on both ends of the equation at some point. That’s okay, that’s as it should be.

But sometimes you find yourself constantly on the “giving” side of the friendship. Or on the “needy” side, perhaps. I’ve been on both, and when I find myself always asking the same friend for help I make certain they know I realize what’s happening. I apologize for being so needy, and always find a way to make it up to them. I try to restore “balance” as soon as I can. When I end up on the “giving” side so often that it becomes an issue in other parts of my life I will try to find out what deeper problem my friend might have that’s creating this ongoing neediness. Sometimes you can help, sometimes you can’t.

It’s when you can’t help that the true nature of the “friendship” comes out. Over the years I have had “friends” who needed help often, & I gave & gave until I had nothing left to give. And rather than being grateful for all the help I had given, they became angry at me because I had nothing left to give. A few of these people needed to be told that their problems were something they couldn’t see: a drug or alcohol addiction, a lousy marriage, being totally self-centered, etc. And sometimes when you give people like this the unvarnished truth, when you take the “tough love” approach, they hate you. Eventually, if they are a real friend, things will get better. If they are not a real friend, or so selfish that they won’t admit to being wrong, they are gone forever.

My dad used to tell me that a person will go though life with hundreds of acquaintances but only a very few true friends. Now I find myself telling my kids the same thing. I also find myself telling them another bit of my dad’s wisdom about being let down by a friend. Look at the situation from their point of view. Are they giving you the “tough love” treatment; or are they retreating because you gave it to them? Or are they not really a friend at all, just someone who is using you? Or are you using them? Or are one of you just “out-of-sorts” & moody? My dad always said that these questions are sometimes hard to answer truthfully, but if you do you’ll know whether (or why) your friend let you down.

Sometimes it’s a big thing: you lent them a bunch of money & they don’t pay it back; you get them a job & they don’t show up for work; etc. Sometimes it’s a little thing: not returning your calls; a mean-spirited comment about your weight or hair. Friends let each other down, it happens. And a wise person said something about true friendship overlooking flaws, so ignore the occasional letdown. When the letdowns come often, & I have asked myself the questions my dad suggested, sometimes I find the need to reclassify someone as an acquaintance. It always makes me sad, especially when it’s someone I have known for decades. Sometimes it’s my fault, but not lately.

On the other hand, sometimes someone you’ve thought of as an acquaintance turns out to be a real friend. You may not even realize it at first, so keep your eyes open. Especially when you have been let down, truly let down, and had to reclassify someone. You may have a friend (or two) lurking nearby that you haven’t noticed. And when you do notice them try your best not to let them down. We all could use another friend.

Clark

My point is, no matter the flaw some people or “topics” are off limits to discussion. Yes the scenario’s are different but very similar. Just as a girl can’t tell her friend heart breaking news (without looking like the villain), a man can not point out flaws within another mans swag. You are right, it doesn’t represent a flaw to you because you feel as if it was said or done in the best interest of your friend. And you meant the very best when discussing this concern. However, to the person it was discussed with it probably felt as if they were being attacked (male ego). Therefore creating resistance and attacking your flow in return. Your concern does not make you a bad friend maybe your approach makes you the perceived villain. Approach is everything, if the original approach didn’t work, dust yourself off and try again.

Women like men, can only take so much on one front before tugging that frustration into other relationships. Just like if you’ve had a bad day at work, you may be more short with the kids. If this happens enough people will either rebel or tip toe to make sure daddy doesn’t explode when he comes home. Same with women, if your girl is constantly being mistreated chances are her reaction to things and overall being will change. Therefore effecting the friendships. You are right, they are different subject but not that different when it deals with the approach of the problems. Personally, I’m not the one to say a word. If someone was cheating on my girl, I wouldn’t get in that…not my business unless it had the potential to effect me and my flow. As for a friend doing something that may hurt the overall happiness, safety and well-being of the crew…again I stand quiet but I may casually distance myself from the “closeness”. I refuse to let another grown, self responsible being effect my or the flow of my family. But like I said before, you are a smart and sensible man… I’m sure with time, you will analysis the situation and come up with a solution that works for the both of you.

This is probably one of the best things I every did. Upon doing this I realized that I too have been removed as a friend and was insulted at first. But over time I realized it was the right thing to do at the time. When I remove a friend I just disassociate from them over a short period of time; first I no longer hang out physically, then over time I just find other people to spend my time with.

I read an article many years ago titled, “Always Fly First Class” about making choices to live your life the way you want it to be as opposed to where your life is today.

**Regarding cheating ***
I’ve learned some hard lessons on both sides of the issue and my belief is that this topic is only the business of the 2 or three people directly involved. By informing someone else about the infidelity of their partner you are opening yourself up to violent retaliation in a battle you shouldn’t be fighting anyway. It’s a good way to lose a friend or at worst get a bullet in your head.

I understand and experienced the cheating girlfriend saga and that is true to the tenth power. I’ve also decided to end a friendship over differences but when I look back I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. The sake of saying I was right wasn’t worth the friendship. I think that is what Elisa was saying. Patricks way of easing them from your life seems logical, wish I would have done it that way. The obvious thing would be to say pray about it but since I hate when people tell me that, I won’t say that. I also agree with previous post saying you will figure it out. We always do. Good luck, the fact that it touched your life enough to write about it shows vulnerability. First step.

I agree with you all the way Qui! Prayer changes things!

I agree with Clark, a new friend is God sent. However, sometimes that new friend just doesn’t compare, and unfortunately some people spend the rest of their lives trying to fill that void.