My husband betrayed me for some bitch!
Dear Jermaine, what is your advice on wives letting their husbands go when they leave for another woman? I have 2 friends going through this very thing. Seriously, I’ve been up late for the last three days trying to help them through this. I just wanted a male’s perspective.
Dear true friend of the Betrayed, good friends are proven at these moments. I’m sure your friends appreciate your every comfort and energy for the sake of their sanity. On the ground level we can offer a shoulder, we say “he ain’t worth a damn”. The tears and depression can be an emotional battle. From the roof top a woman in this situation may look at what she may have done to bring this about, or why his sorry ass is so weak. They may attempt a change that includes a hair cut and a shopping spree for a new you. But from my angle at 10,000 feet I see the difficulty men have remaining content in a monogamous relationship. I see that he didn’t leave for another women, remember men add on they don’t trade up. Men leave when they can’t take it anymore. They leave when they don’t like the reflection of themselves within your eyes or they leave when they take you for granted and forget the wonderfulness of you. The other woman is a byproduct of the more personal issue at hand.
Everyone wants perfection, yet no one is perfection. People expect so much from others and are not so willing to give so much. Given this fact we shall all have a list of shortcomings that we have. From this list we shall develop a self improvement strategy. As things happen in our lives we have an opportunity to see us for who “us” really are. We can’t hide our character or maintain a mask when shit is hitting the fan. In the long run, after adversity we should ask ourselves, “what did I do to contribute to this result?” “What could I have done better, what shall I learn regarding companion selection?” Be determined to become a better person from this. Not to make him jealous or regret, but to be ready for the next “better” relationship you enter.
But for right now during the middle of the storm, if these women truly want to be able to tell their adult grandchildren how to stay married for 50 years, I’d advise you to do the following. But let me disclose, this is going to be extremely difficult given the emotional state of the people involved, yet this is the best way to accomplish your long term goal of 50 years of marriage. For the women who truly want their man not to leave, follow these steps of psychological action as opposed to emotional reaction:
First realize that you have a better chance of getting him to come back than to get him to stay, physically, emotionally and psychologically. There is something out there that he needs to do, you can’t understand, relate or assist in that. But you can represent yourself in a light that will haunt him and make him doubt his bad decisions. If he doesn’t come back, you were not going to make it anyway.
“So you are just going to walk out on us for some other chick that has not spilled an ounce of sweat, tears or blood as I have?” You are going to through away this 80% for that 20%?” “Let me prove to you that I am the 80% that you will eventually miss, by saying this one word…”GO”. That’s right, I’m not going to fight your desire to leave me with begging, pleading and anger. But I will fight for you because I know despite all that we’ve been through; we need to be with each other in the long run. We need to continue to go through the trials and tribulations of life so that we can be strong for each other. So when you wake up and I am on your mind, you will know that I am still being strong and I’m awaiting your return. I may not wait by myself for too long, but no one can replace what we were building together. I love you and that love is where these words are coming from. This love is where you will eventually run back to. I will embrace you, I will forgive you, I will forgive myself. When you come back to me I would have made great progress in reviewing the film of our history and making game winning changes so that I can be that super woman that you deserve, that super woman that I failed to become.“
Now I know what you are thinking, “YEAH RIGHT!” Look at the above statement from this perspective, fighting him with anger is going to push him away for sure. Showing signs of great weakness helps him justify his decision because of your expressed weakness as his last image of you as he walks out the door with his last suitcase. But show him compassion, unwavering love and a devotion to being who he needs. This will be a head trip for him. As soon as the new girl messes up, you will jump so far into the forefront of his mind, he’ll dial before he knows exactly what he will say. Now when he does call, he’ll make it appear as if he is checking to see if you are alright, but he is actually checking to see if you still love and want him. Men need the reassurance even without the relationship. At that point continue to play it cool.
“Yes I’m doing okay, but without my man with me things could be better, but I’m growing personally and becoming a better person.”
Keep those conversations sweet and short, with no begging, tears or lashing out. “Okay, I have to go, it was good speaking with you, your voice is very comforting to me. Call me again soon okay? Take care”…click. By not ever calling him once he is gone works to your advantage. By remaining calm and positive when he finally does call you peaks his emotional curiosity. By you keeping the call to within 7 minutes and you getting off the phone first, allows you to maintain control. Now he is forced to make another initiating call. Then you repeat. Don’t ask him how is his relationship going, that is a head trip that you don’t need. Don’t allow him to use you up emotionally and get his full fill of ego boost from you with a 30 minute conversation where he has the upper hand. The short conversations is like teasing him without pleasing him, he has not choice but to come back for more.
Once he begins to call on a regular basis hit him with “what’s going on with these calls mister?” Get quiet and force him to explain. Ask him his plan of action to resolve any issues he is struggling with. So the next time he calls, you can ask him “how’s the plan of action going?” You are not interested in a long term friendship, you’ll eventually want to work towards being together, but he has to work through that new relationship and get her out of his system first. Then he has to come correct to you. Now you are in control.
Now he shouldn’t be calling you after being gone for 1 month or 2. He needs to focus on his new relationship and not try to keep you emotionally strapped to his leg. That would be taking his new girl, who used to be the #2 girl and switching you two, where you are #2. No no no. You are marriage material, he and this chick will eventually have trust issues because they got together in an ill way. So after 4 to 6 months you may want to entertain a 7 minute phone conversation. Remember your ultimate goal is to get this man back, if you don’t want him back, fuck it, act a fool if you like.
WOW!!!! This is very interesting. I have been married for almost 5 years now. I couldn’t see myself or my life WITHOUT my husband in it. We have had issues in the past regarding other woman and I’ll say it now as I told him then. I don’t need you to realize what you have AFTER you have gotten your ego stroked by some other woman, you need to realize it BEFORE you make the assumption that I will remain in a marriage where I’m taken for granted. My husband and I have re connected on an entirely diffenrent level ever since. We both have very busy schedules but now he MAKES the time to tell and show how much he appreciates me and I do the same for him. I would have to agree with Jermaine in advising your friend to “Let him go” but I’d have to disagree for I feel a woman should NEVER have to sit and wait for a man who no longer wants her. Be strong and realize that there is a man out there who can and will APPRECIATE her for all that she has to offer. I believe without the continual stroking of the ego, even AFTER the betrayel, he will still realize what a wonderful woman he’s lost, without her being so positively willing and available.
I wish the best of luck to the women involved, just remember to stay TRUE to yourself FIRST
May GOD bless any and every union that is meant to be…..
In further communication with the friend who sent the letter in, she clarified that one of the friends wants advice on how to take revenge. She is on her second go around with her husband. The first time he left she played the roll just as I stated in the article. He did eventually come back home to salvage the marriage. Yet this is the second time. She, like “Truly Blessed”, is not willing to sit in wait for him again. There are three different types of revenge. Physical, Emotional & Psychological revenge. Choose your weapon.
1. Physical is to damage his person to inflict pain or damage his property to inflict financial/incontinence hardship. Like spray painting on his BMW.
2. Emotional is to attempt to damage his core feelings of guilt. This is difficult to do in this situation because of his focus on his new relationship or freedom.
3. Psychological revenge is mystifying and reoccurring. It embeds itself in the brain and wraps itself around songs, scents and small reminders that prove to be most effective. One way to do this is by following my original statements in the article. The difference is the ending. Once he goes through his trip, comes to his senses and comes back to you, that’s when you got him right where you want him. At some point you can change your mind about getting back with him because you found someone who can do it better than him…ouch. I wouldn’t suggest fucking his best friend but I’m sure that has happened before. You’ll have him taking a shower fully clothed begging God for forgiveness. Just stay true to who you are. Remember two wrongs don’t make a right and Karma westward blew, from the East blow back to you.
This subject is the root of the greatest shame in my life.
I was married to a woman I loved dearly and I made a very stupid decision and slept with some girl. I liked the excitement and slept with her numerous times over a few months. Eventually I got busted. I don’t know why I did it but I do know that I loved my wife, enjoyed banging the other chick and needed something…I think I was angry because my wife’s family treated me like shit for years and she wouldn’t support me on it..over years it built up and when a chick threw herself at me I dove in like an idiot.
It was a childish way to vent and I didn’t really figure this out for years of mental and emotional review.I also didn’t understand that this didn’t have to be the end of the relationship we had for years…I assumed it was a foregone conclusion.
Today I am happily remarried and wouldn’t trade this for anything. But I still know she and I could have had a wonderful loving relationship had I tried to work it out with her. Remember, he almost certainly isn’t proud of what he did but it is difficult for him to let he buddies know that. Often our male peers tend to support the activities which cause such pain and destruction.
If you really see yourself eventually getting past this, assuming he can/will walk a straight line later, then it may make sense to have an adult conversation with him and let him know that you’re willing to move forward in your relationship and that counseling for at least a year is not negotiable. Also let him know that while you will love him he will have to deal with the fact that you will have difficulty trusting him for some time but that you are not seeking to punish him….intentionally.
One of the reasons that my ex and I didn’t move forward to working things out is because I was certain she was going to put the screws to me for the rest of my life and her family would treat me even worse and she still would refuse to support me around them.
Revenge and retaliation will only result in hurting the both of you more so it is quite counter-productive.
Be aware. I’ve seen some people work it out and others walk away like I did. Of those who stayed together it is important that he appreciates what it would mean to lose you. Forgiving a man for slaying your trust one time can be a healthy adult thing to do but if it happens a second time that would be the signal that you need to find someone you can have a healthy, non-abusive relationship with. A man who appreciates his wife and wants to be with her does not go to night clubs on a regular basis, he spends most of his evenings with his family…Perhaps not just men but all people will tend to spend their time with those they desire to be with to the exclusion of those whose relationships they don’t value as much.
I think the first thing is that you MUST tell him if he is still seeing her he needs to break it off right now or there will be no future for your marriage. It seems obvious but from his point of view she may be a reserve parachute…someone there for (fake) emotional support if you shut him out. He needs this direction because us guys don’t know that when we’re in the middle of the pile of shit we made.
I don’t want to drone on about it, if you want more from my perspective I’d be glad to tell you more of what was going on from my perspective emotionally/mentally and how I could have avoided making a series of mistakes which hurt me and many others for years.
If any of you think I’m soft or weak or stupid I know this isn’t “macho” today. It isn’t about that. It’s about how do you want to be when you’re older. Do you want to be in your 60′s and say look at my beautiful family…we’ve been through a lot and I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes but we’ve worked it out….or do you want to say, “I may die old, ugly and lonely but I banged a lot of bitches on the way…please pass the herpes lotion I’m itching…damn I’m out of checks for my child support payments”
I don’t think revenge on a man that took so much of you is worth it. When you give a man so much he still rips your heart out for a second time, he does not deserve to get your pain, tears or even a single thought. Personally I do not seek revenge which I’ve been told is a form of psychological revenge. Men and their ego’s can’t handle being mind fucked. Silence is golden! Its better to keep your mouth shut and let him assume you are hurt & wonder what you’re thinking than to open your mouth or react and release all doubt!
This entry was heartfelt.
Letting someone “Go” is sometimes really hard to do. However, when love that’s needed and deserved isn’t reciprocated, letting go is usually the only alternative.
“True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”
– Author Unknown
Although I appreciate what you stated, J Harris, Patrick’s openness and honesty allows me to pass on some powerful information. Relationships are hard. Especially in today’s day and age. I wish you much success in your current marriage, Patrick. You sound as if you’ve learned a valuable lesson from your last marriage. Thanks for sharing.
physical revenge- bust the windows out his car