It is possible for people of the opposite sex to be just friends but only if they follow strict rules. When a man and a woman spend time together, no matter the intent, it is quality time. If this happens often enough, at least one of them will begin to have feelings for the other. It is human nature. If you are in a committed relationship then you must limit your contact with friends of the opposite sex. Your quality time should be saved for you significant other. At no time should you be alone with the wrong person in a private place. If you must do so it should be in public and infrequent. One of the dangers is that you will feel comfortable and begin to confide in that other person and they become a refuge from the person you are committed to.

My theory is there is sexual tension between most opposite sex relationships. Even if I were to enter an elevator with Janet Reno there would be a flash of thought…of course just writing that makes my stomach crunch up like a fist. BLah Perhaps my point could that even ugly people need love, which explains why someone married me.

“friends” are exposed to this tension and it is difficult to determine to what degree they are impacted.

While in a relationship you have an obligation to change your other relationships with the opposite sex only when you have moved to a level of emotional attachment or sexual activity. Without one of those it seems dating is the process of spending time with other people to determine who you want to share the beautiful journey of life with. It is beyond the scope of this comment to discuss why numerous sexual partners at the same time is a bad idea so take it or leave it but believe there is a rationale.

I’ve never had a problem, or been laughed at when I explained to female associates that I could no do “X” because it may have an inappropriate appearance to a woman I cared about. In fact I believe it improved my desirability quotient for future relationships or relationship referrals. People will understand and will respect you for being a man. The few who don’t respect that are not people you want in your life and should be discarded like a bucket of disease.

Regarding my partners having male friends I’ve found this a delicate ice to walk on. You may not be seen in the best light if you tell a woman that her friends are just warming up in the bull pen or explain my sexual tension theory above. My little sister even gets irritated with me when I explain this to her….but that doesn’t stop me with her because she can’t dump me, she’s stuck with such a great brother I have had some success expressing to my partners that I felt uncomfortable with person “Y” even though she was CERTAIN there were no intentions. At a minimum it makes them think about it while in the company of these friends.

*Interestingly enough a “friend” of my wife blew up and was inconsolable when he found out she was making a commitment to me and would no longer be marketable. She and I had discussed him and the fact that I was not comfortable with his intentions but she believed in no uncertain terms that he had no romantic interest in her because she previously told him there was nothing between them. (that’s a red flag by the way) I also have had a gift of being able to intimidate these “friends” a little via other socially acceptable methods, this too is beyond the scope of the comment but just make sure you come across as caring…not creepy or potentially violent, those things will get you kicked to the curb in less than a second.

In the end I suppose, the degree to which a person is willing to consider the feelings and emotional security of their partner, and make public moves in line with this, is a product or a beacon of how commited they are to the person they are dating. Check out the little book titled He’s Not That In To You, I think this statement is the theme of the book.

Patrick, please correct me if I’m wrong, but did you say a hint of violent tendencies by the man in the relationship towards the “friend” would be viewed by the woman as so negative that it may threaten the relationship?

I find that violence is viewed differently in different circles, given the circumstance.

Hi Jermaine, You are perhaps correct. Allow me to expand a bit from my perspective. I have attempted in the past to create a cloud of fear/respect from the other men. If I can be very friendly with her friends regardless of their sex but come across as a man who doesn’t dick around with threats when it comes to protecting his self interest..and now that of my family then I haven’t displayed violent tendencies but the opponent/male friend would hesitate to make a move while I’m in the picture.

Example.. (of course this is from my perspective)

If a guy tells a girl, her friends, etc. that if a person makes a move on his girlfriend he’ll go and fuck that guy up it comes across as insecure, nervous, not confident that the female desires only him. If I do this I think it is counterproductive.

If, conversationally, you can navigate to the position of saying, “I don’t have problems like that, people who know anything about me don’t try to undermine my relationships, and anyone can see that (insert girls name here) and her happiness are very important to me” It communicates an air of confidence and an assertiveness which is almost a warning of violence.

Of course it should be short and unimportant/not emphasized. I did a very similar statement while making red sauce at the a friends house of one of my girlfriends. Her girlfriend of hers asked how I felt about the fact that my gal had a lot of guy friends and I answered very shortly, never looked up and tried to address it as if she had asked a very normal question. About few weeks later it came back through the grapevine that these guys were “afraid” of me. While I really don’t know what they meant by the word afraid I’d assume that they were shooting the bull over drinks one afternoon and someone mentioned that they wouldn’t fuck around with Patrick. This may or may not prove true but I’m a believer.

A further note on this concept. I recall during some unique military the instructors saying that if we didn’t accomplish “X” that we wouldn’t like what happens next. We had no idea what “X” was but mentally the fear of it was worse than the actual punishment if we failed…much worse. That lesson led me to believe that if another person is allowed to perceive a threat, he will shape it to what is scary to him. If I tell him I’m going to break his jaw he thinks about countering, legal action, all kinds of things that remove my threat.

Sorry…here is another military example. I recall fondly the lessons of cover and concealment. Cover is analogous to standing behind a concrete wall while concealment is standing behind a canvas wall. Your opponent is not likely to shoot at you when your are concealed or have cover. With concealment you aren’t really protected but he perceives you as protected…usually of course. My lack of displaying violent tendencies could be cover or concealment but it may be too costly to find out so it is about as effective as cover.

I’m very open to and would love to hear opposing points of view here.

I think a man and a woman can be friends if they are both in happy, normal functioning relationships! I have a best friend of the opposite sex and although it took a looooooong time to become completely platonic, we are now! It works great but our significant others are still untrusting. Although we have never been caught together, they are skeptic of the emotional connection we share! We now can take naps together, walk in the bathroom while the other is showering, give each other tips about the opposite sex and it is cool! So, like others that have posted to this form…there are boundaries that must be set for those who feel they need them but if either of the friends are single…I wouldn’t put my money on “JUST FRIENDS”

Being single and in a relationship is a label, yet one’s frame of mind could not be reflected within a label. Nap together? Wow, I’m uncomfortable and I’m not in a relationship with you. One of my readers wrote in and said, by experience, emotional infidelity hurts more than physical.

HA HA, I do see the eyebrow raising aspect, however neither of our significant others are aware of such behavior. Between the two of us, its acceptable due to us being secure in the dynamics shaped over the years. If either were to ever walk in on a friendly nap between friends, I’d bet my first born on a crime of passion. I do agree that a relationship is just a title and an emotional connection hurts more than physical. But when the emotional connection has no potential to be physical (for VERY good reasons)I think it empowers the friends to become better lovers, friends and support to their significant others! I hope that made sense! So although I’m not naive enough to discount the perception of our relationship, I do believe in emotional independence and if I have to hold someones hand and tell them how wonderful they are while abandoning quality friendships then possibly our relationship does not have the strength to sustain unavoidable adversities!

“Emotional Independence”??? I’d write an article on that if I had any idea of what that is. If you mean being secure in the relationship, I’d venture to say if he walks in on your nap time, that EI or security will be out the window along with you BFF.

How does the closeness with your Male BFF make you better in your relationship?

You are all over this one I see! Let me break it down to you son! Emotional Independence is not fortunate to have embarked on an official dictionary as of yet. However, it should be in the Glossary of the book called LIFE!
Emotional Independence:
1. Know what you are saying/doing and why you are saying/doing it. FILTER! Do you NEED to see someone? Do you NEED any human being or just desire them? I’ll go with desire.
2. Being secure in your emotions, own your emotions and not let them effect your judgment. It is okay to agree to disagree!
3. Not requiring your significant other to bare the burden to your happiness. Together you two complement each other and feel that you can conquer the world but the world will not end as a result of separation.

Some people loose themselves when they enter a relationship. They are so hell bent on changing the other person they end up changing themselves. I completely understand compromise and taking one for the team but loosing yourself in the midst of satisfying your mate is unacceptable. Therefore, if one is not emotionally independent they are more likely to become clingy, jealous, angry, Nagy, unattractive due to attitude and ignorant actions. Man, I can go on and on with this one. but I wont! Lastly, I hate someone who says irritating things like “Baby, I need you right now”, NO…what they mean is I want to F*** right now. And that’s fine, but say that…NEED is a strong word and I don’t want anyone who NEEDS me. Desire yes, Need…No thanks!

Having a platonic relationship with the opposite sex benefits each party as it enables them to better understand the opposite sex. If not understand, receive a non-biased opinion of actions, emotions and desires!

All you had to say is the opposite of Co-dependent, dang…

LMMFBAO…shut up

Per another entry by a reader named Carolyn H., emotional infidelity is a greater betrayal than physical. And as I’ve been a party to very recently by being confided in, some people take strong offense to their partner having detailed discussions with a 3rd party regarding their relationship. I know that friends primary job is to help you see through life. I’d assume that difficult issues that you are experiencing within your relationship should be addressed internally. So at the very least, the 3rd party won’t hear a side from you that you have not shared with your significant other.

I think it is possible if they dont spend quality time together. if they spend any time alone it will be more than just friends. i gots experience in this field.