Rite of Passage into Manhood
I live in guilt for my choice or inability to be a full time dad to my children. It eats at my subconscious that it didn’t go as it should have. In an effort to make the biggest impact I may have pushed my son too far. I may have done more damage than good. I sit in the middle of this road and think to my self, where is my son? Why is he not right behind me, he is not responding, he is not motivated to be or do. Why? Have I failed him? I need help understanding what to do. My grand plan of a Rite of passage ceremony seems not to bare any fruit.
I struggle to be better, to impact my spirit positively, and to positively impact those for whom my heart carries love. I struggle daily with my role in bringing a clearer view of adulthood to my children. Is it my job to be a part of those decisions, or shall I sit in the background and allow my children to find their own way? Every young person has the divine right to their own visions. Rites of passage have been the birthright of young people since the dawn of time. Nearly all tribal cultures provide their young with an opportunity to seek their own vision and enter into adulthood with a spiritual connection to the Universe.
Western Civilization is unique in its denial of such Rites. Vision quests are not considered the proper pursuit for the youth of the masses. This thought is reserved for the elite. Initiation into adulthood comes without any real ceremony or spiritual training. Young people are brainwashed and forced to conform by inadequate and compulsory education, and they are then dumped into boring lives in the hive. Slave drones are created that take their wants and needs from clever commercials during the Super bowl. These commercials are created by CEO’s that get annual bonuses equal to our mothers total life time earnings. We validate ourselves through the purchase of their goods, while they underpay us eight times per day.
In Judaism, the “Bar Mitzvah” literally means “son of the commandment.” “Bar” is “son” in Aramaic, which used to be the vernacular of the Jewish people.. “Mitzvah” is “commandment” in both Hebrew and Aramaic. However, the term is more commonly used to refer to the coming of age ceremony.
A catechism means “to sound down into the ears”, i.e. to indoctrinate into a traditional application of Christian faith and lifestyle mainly focused towards young people for guidance and reliance upon a power greater than thou.
I created a Rite of Passage ceremony for my son to enlist my village in raising my son to manhood.
As we sit around this fire, under these stars at this camp ground build by God, we, father and son, would like to thank our Honored Mentors in this monumental event. Your caring support through the past years is appreciated and recognized as most invaluable. Thank you for accepting such an important and active roll in raising my son through example. You are the village, so all the successes of this child will be a success for us all to share. In addition, all the failures of this child shall be turned into learning experiences to build upon through support, encouragement and discussion.
Honored Mentors Topics
Timothy Seeking and maintaining Manhood
Jefferson Honesty & Loyalty
Wallace Life long pursuit of growth through knowledge
Brandy What role should women play in your life
Concluding the ceremony my son states for each mentor: I respect my Big Brother Almighty Timothy. He has committed to assisting me in my journey towards manhood. In order to be recognized as a man by him I have accepted the challenges he has set before me.
On that day in August, my son was a not so enthused participant. His efforts at these tasks have lacked luster to say the least. Maybe it is too much, maybe I expect the impossible. But as a look around I see so many blind efforts, such lack of support and guidance at this thing called life. I’m sure you all will agree that this thing called life is not easy. So how do we bridge gaps for our youth so they may be elevated and educated and not become permanently wounded by the blows that life throws. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I feel I need someone to help me see what I’m missing.???
What you do for your wife and kids is amazing! The ceremony that you had for your son is just as astonishing. However, I can’t help but to believe that your feeling of disappointment may be the root of something else.
You said that your son’s efforts regarding the ceremony lack luster; so I ask, was your son an active participant during the preparation of this ceremony? If not, this could have a lot to do with his level of participation. If you have not done so already, maybe you and your son can create a Rite of Passage into Manhood together that derives at the same goal as the original Rite of Passage, but tailored to also meet your son’s needs. Besides, just because something does not happen the way that we want it to happen, or the way that we planned, doesn’t mean that it is less meaningful.
My second point is regarding your first sentence in this entry, “I live in guilt for my choice or inability to be a full time dad to my children. It eats at my subconscious that it didn’t go as it should have.” I can totally relate to this statement because I’ve given myself plenty of pity parties in celebration of my “single mother” membership.
However I realized that the more I complained about my situation in front of my daugther, the more disadvantanged she felt. So now I try to count my blessings. I have to make a conscious effort to think of the positive aspects (the blessings) of our relationship instead of what I think that she and I are missing.
Fortunately you have an opportunity to one day soon be that full time dad that you’ve always wanted to be, but at the same time please do not forget the blessing that God has given you in your son who is already here and who is just as deserving of your love, attention, and affection.
God bless you and your family,
Aking
I think having my son sit with me to start from scratch according to what he values is a great idea. I will do that this weekend. I hope that he is a bit more mature and can add valued thought that is based in his interest. I will focus on attaching rewards upon accomplishment for that extra motivation, things like adding to his savings account or a car upon successful completion. As he gets older, these things will have increased value. He won’t have to ask for these things, he’ll know that they are already available to him, with effort. I feel stronger now, Thank you.
Single parenting and step-parenting is a big separate article for later.
How did it go with your son?
He stated he wanted to keep the tasks as they are and complete them. He just didn’t want to have to go to the mentors for guidance and approval. He wants to only come to me. I guess I overestimated his relationship with the 4 mentors. But I have my doubts about his ability to remain focused. I hope the additional maturity will help. He also didn’t want any material incentives. Scratching my head on that one, but he is so unmotivated that nothing motivates him. What 16 year old doesn’t have a laundry list of what they want.
Ok. I guess you have a great relationship with him for him to want to come to you for guidance. Do you think he’s serious about the process? What vibe do you get from him?
I think he’ll do it if I keep on him. But I would like for him to genuinely remain on task with initiative. I don’t want to get my hopes up so I don’t get let down. It feels like I’m in a gay relationship, my emotions have never been so dependent on another man’s ability to step up.
LOL that’s deep, J. I understand what you mean though. It must be really hard for you to maintain your composure when you’re talking to him. It seems as though you have a vision of how you want your son to be. How you see him growing into manhood. But it’s not going the way you planned. Is that true?
Not at all. I don’t have a vision of how I want him to be. I have a vision of how I don’t want him to be, and that’s all that I’m trying to avoid. When I have discussions with him I remain calm and collected. I focus on articulating my concerns where he can see my thought process, rather than just expressing my emotions, which may affect my composure.
So at this point, do you think he understands what you’re attempting to do as his father?
Yes, I think I do a good job of explaining the purpose of the tasks and how they translate into life skills. We’ll have to see if he internalizes the benefits, or better yet finds the courage to feel he can successfully accomplish them. I feel courage and confidence are the big issues.
As a teen, I recall being the same, lacking confidence in my decisions and my unwillingness to commit. In the end I was just always leaning towards wrong paths just because it is what I selfishly wanted. I initially starting going down the wrong road because I was afraid of failure if I always took the right road. Hard to explain but my parents always compared my sister to me. Telling her “Look at your sister, Eva; she is well behaved and extremely academic.” When I began to fail my parents, I didn’t really know why. I suppose I just didn’t care about the consequences from 16 to 18. Honestly, I felt had not envisioned a real strong long-term goal I wanted.
Sometimes, it hurts more to disappoint a love one them then the actual failure itself. One thing is for sure I did not always admit this to my parents.
That is until I fell and hit the ground because of my mistakes. When I looked around at 18 to see who would help. There was no one. I had let my mother down too many times for her to support me during my period of immaturity. That was when I realized that I needed to grow up and that my very own actions play such a heavy role in my maturity. That very morning I made my first grown up decision on my own. I was going to keep my baby. I was now focused and God knows I prayed for his guidance everyday. I continue to even now that my baby is 15.
Recently, I initially focused on pushing my teen son to have these long-term goals. It didn’t matter what they were. Unfortunately, he had some but not strong enough to keep him focused. In speaking with other parents some teens have the ultimate goal and that these goals often fluctuate with their style of clothes.
I have found that one of my son’s biggest issues is contemplating which road to take and is this road one he really-really wants to take. More often then not his mind does not do the cause and effect equation we hope it would. When confronted with the impact of each negative decision he blows us off as though it well not be his case. That is the case with so many teens. They know themselves as their parents’ child for so long. Now we ask them to understand that they are quickly approaching adulthood. A time of being on their own even though we’ve been their all their lives. Making major decisions that will ultimately affect their future. Yes, we as parents of teens are all extremely nervous but even though they do not admit it always it is a truly frightening time in our teen’s lives. Perhaps even more so than we tend to understand. For one, we did not grow up around all the technology out their today.
Today, I don’t dwell so much on my son’s long-term goals. Personally, I finally lost 50 pounds but, it took 4 years of bouncing back in forth in weight to make the ultimate commitment. I made several small commitments for1 ½ years and began lose the weight and keep it off. How many of us men and women lack the confidence now to complete our long-term goals. It a heck of a lot of pressure even in mature adulthood.
My son is accomplishing his short term goals slowly. This has had a major impact with his confidence level and more importantly his willingness to strive towards a goal somewhat bigger than the one before. I am starting to understand my son. It took a lot of listening and my willingness to understand him as individual.
My son is not me. He will not repeat my mistakes. They will be his own to make.
He is not his father. He cannot leave my son never to know him. It will be his own decision to make.
My son’s life will be his and his mistakes will be his own.
His pain will be his; not mine like I once feared.
I will remain here always for him, as he walks the difficult path of manhood.
My brother Trevon is capable of so much more. It hurts me to know that you blame your self for the way he is. If you are the reason that Trevon is the way he is then why am I the way I am? I spend just as much time with you as Trevon does. I may not be the perfect daughter, but I know I’m nothing close to what Trevon is. I know what I want in life, I know what I have to do to get there, I know what it’s going to take, but im going to get there. Trevon…we just have to keep our fingers crossed.
I’ve learned so much from you daddy, like, responsibility, respect, how to better myself, how to learn something from everything i do and so much more. I really appreciate everything you do for me. I love you so much and i’m always here for you. L0VE Y0U DADDY!!
Hi, nice post. I have been wondering about this topic,so thanks for blogging. I will definitely be subscribing to your site. Keep up the good work
Fathers Day Quote by: Clarence Budington Kelland
“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it”.