For the Love of Ray J
Taking breaks from the more serious or suspense television, I like to indulge in a bit of raunchy TV to numb the mind a bit. On the reality show “For the Love of Ray J”, the brother of famed singer Brandy, who is also an entertainer of sorts, has a show in the tradition of my man “Flavor Flav”.
Danger
- Unique
Cocktail
Last nights season finale left me with a few questions regarding the types of women men want. The final three female candidates lined up perfectly in that there was the crazy one that you know is going to cost you, but you’ll have so much fun between psychotic episodes. There was the Strong conservative woman who has direction and focus. And thirdly, you have the one that has the perfect body but that’s about all she has to offer.
The 3rd runner up was a big favorite, “Danger”, with a tattoo of a tiger on her face. My first impression was that she was crazy, and at the end it appeared that she was a bit unstable. Yet she was “mad sexy”. I don’t like tattoo’s but she rocked hers pretty damn hard. The second runner up, was my choice from day one, and obviously the most put together women on the show, Unique. Beautiful, smart and classy (relatively speaking). The ultimate winner was Cocktail. Fun, cool with a perfect sexy body.
Stereotypically we can categorize these women and discuss what type of man it takes to manage a relationship with each. Unique was a mixed sister with a white father and a Black mother. Ray J visited Unique’s family and it was obvious that the mother ran the house and was a strong figure in the home. Ray J said that Unique’s mother reminded him of his mother, who is also a strong Black woman who will voice her opinion and demands respect. Ray J felt a nervous pressure, yet felt a cultural connection to the family.
Ray J also visited Cocktails home. A traditional Mexican household where the women were in the kitchen preparing the meals and serving the men as they sat in waiting at the dining room table. Cocktails mother did not speak English and Ray J expressed a cultural disconnect with the family. He wasn’t nervous but obviously enjoyed Unique’s family more.
Ray J
Ray J chose Cocktail as the winner of his heart at the conclusion. My wife and I had a debate on what type of man is willing and able to deal with a strong woman, as opposed to going the path of less resistance with a woman who is more easy-going and allows the man more leeway in running the relationship? This is a tough argument due to the fact that submissive women can just as easily hold a grudge and flip out on a man who oppresses her long enough. As well, strong independent women gain more respect when their decision making process is closer to the man’s, hence doesn’t appear to be too random or illogical to a man. There is nothing more irritating than a strong independent stupid person.
The ultimate conclusion my wife and I could agree on was that a strong (willed) man needs to use that power to “respect” the will of a strong woman. If he were to be with a weaker woman, it would simply require less respect. Now respect in relationships is defined as having patience, discipline and faith. With weaker women who may be more dependent on a man, not as much patience, discipline or faith is required. The stronger the woman the more a man has to consider the women’s desires and needs due to her low willingness to compromise and sacrifice. Weaker women, may initially be easier to bond with for weaker men. Thus, a weaker man is more prone to go the path of less resistance and choose a less independent woman. After this initial phase of power struggle/establishment, the relationship turns towards the importance of the levels of self-confidence and mutual trust going forward.
I hear many “Independent” women question the strength of the man that travels the path of less resistance. Personally on one hand, I’m not sure why anyone would travel a path of more resistance. Yet on the other hand, a strong man sees the benefit in having a strong woman. As a strong man I find that I have more struggles with strong women but more benefit as well, because they normally are better equipped to coincide and connect with my strength and make me even stronger.
Ultimately, men who have weaker women end up carrying a larger load. I’ve witnessed many of my elders burn-out by having to be that “all” for a dependent women. A woman should not put everthing on a man’s shoulders. She has to be ultimately responsible for her own happiness and success. Yet there is no certain right or wrong road.
Happy travels.
Ray J Loves His Cock…tail. I give this relationship a month which is a long time in the world of reality shows.
I immediately focused on the phrase you used “path of less resistance.” This is actually the first time I’ve heard this term used outside of a defensive tactics class. But looking at what that phrase means as it relates to the male-female relationship, I now see a different picture.
What does it take to make a relationship work? We’ve all seen these ridiculous reality TV shows which try to find that perfect soulmate in 9 episodes (give or take a few shows.) Those of us whose reality is not driven by fame and/or ratings know it takes more than beauty, drama, meeting the family and of course the series of meaningless contests to find the mate who’s right for you. The mate who will make you a better man or woman.
So why would a man, (or woman) for that matter, choose to take the path of less resistance when choosing a mate? I believe a choice of this nature would purely be the result of unwillingness to challenge oneself. Unwillingness to stretch our point of views to the point of possibly being able to (hold on…here’s another cliche) “put ourselves in the other persons shoes” and grow a little.
I do not equate “strong, independent women” as being women who are stubborn to the point of unreasonable. Women who cannot see the value of compromise. I think for a woman to even legitimately be considered as a “strong woman”, there has to be an element of common sense and adaptability. She has to know when to choose her battles and when to just hold her tongue for peace’s sake – looking at the overall picture of the relationship.
As in many of the reality shows on TV, I look at them as a lesson in what NOT to do. It’s pure entertainment for many of us who have the presence of mind to appreciate the life we have. I’ve known many men who have chosen a certain types of women intentionally because they were weak. When questioned about their choice, I’ve heard something like “I just don’t want no drama” or “She doesn’t talk back” or “She just does what I tell her to do”. A true testament of the kind of man he is. WEAK.
Having not viewed this show and basically going off of your comments, I see Ray J definitely not choosing Unique because it would have required him to step up, be “a Man”, and take the relationship seriously. Why? Because if the young lady reminded him of his mother, a strong, independent woman, he knew “Unique” (not her real name I’m sure) wouldn’t put up with his Sh*#. Point blank.
One final thought, the dynamics of a relationship between a strong (willed) man and a strong (willed) woman may not always result in a relationship where there is conflict. I say this because if the man is aligned with the will of God, he will know his role in the relationship – Leader. Leadership doesn’t always involve leading a woman who has no opinions or can’t contribute to the relationship. A leader’s role is to use his/her position to effectively move forward in a positive direction towards common goals. As an effective leader, there should be value in recognizing the importance of having a strong teammate ( or wife/girlfriend).
Taking the path of less resistance toward growth and success in a relationship would not only hinder the progress of an strong willed man (LEADER) but would ultimately incite (in my opinion) a most treacherous path toward failure.
The perfect women (in the eye of the beholder) will encompass a sufficient portion of all three of the characteristics that men want. She is sexy, intellectual and maintains a healthy & nice body. Like SongbirdLA said, this strong & perfect woman also sees the value in compromise.
Each man will blend differently with different types of women. So personally speaking, Independent women must also have a higher level of logical intelligence. I’ve met women who are self proclaimed Strong Independent women, 40+ and alone due to (in my opinion) their limited intellect (unable to see the value of compromise). They won’t admit, or maybe don’t know that they are holding themselves back by being unreasonable to their ideal man, and un-accepting of those who are not their ideal man. They price themselves right out of the market. The longer they are single the more bitter and set in their ways they become.
I am willing to accept less intellect from a woman who is not as independent, yet is willing to compromise. I would not want to have to battle an opposing idea that I know makes no sense at all. So women who are aware of their lower intellect should be a bit more submissive and add value to the relationship in other areas.
Weak men need to be with a woman who will not call them out on their weakness out of frustration. So it doesn’t matter if the woman is strong or not, as long as he can handle whatever way she expresses, hides or remains oblivious to his shortcomings.
I believe he should have picked Unique. She seem smart, she was hella sexy (to me). I think I liked Unique because that is what she was “Unique”. The last show is the only show I watched because I thought to myself who the hell gave this idiot a show. Latoya starting watching the show and I saw Unique and I said I hope he picks her and being that she was one of two that where left I had to see who he picked. I thought for sure he would of pick her because of his visit with her parents and his mom liked her. Well I guess it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder because Cocktail was not all that too me and her personality was dry. As far as tatooes on the face you can have that hommie. She was cute but that looked like a big ass birth mark on her face. Kinda like Mike Tyson. It was “LUDICRIS”
It is extremely enlightening to be able to read so many different perspectives and thoughts. The more I read, the more I discover about myself.
Now back to the “Strong” woman topic
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What is the definition of a “Strong” woman?
In my early twenties when I was pregnant with my daughter, the “Strong” & and respected women in my family told me that Tara was my baby. My aunts told me not to ever depend on a man for support financially or emotionally, especially because my daughter’s father and I were not married. They also told me that marriage was no different because married men could and commonly abandon their families, leaving me left to take care of my daughter alone.
As a result, I am proud to say that I am a phenomenal mother. However, I think that I might have enabled my daughter’s father to mature and develop into the man and Father that he needed to be. I appreciate the nominal support that my daughter’s father gives me monthly and the occasional fun days that he participants in with Tara. Though looking back, I also would have appreciated sharing some of the other responsibilities that come with raising a child and now responsibilities that come with raising an adolescent. Not just for my own sanity, but more so for my daughter’s well being.
I was only concern with my daughter’s father being in her life, and that he is. But I also should have given him the opportunity to take on the duties and or decisions that come with being a father, instead of doing practically everything myself. Although, I did have a good support system because of course during the times when I needed support or someone to talk to, I’d turn to a fellow “Strong” woman for help.
Everything happens for a reason, and luckily from my personal experiences I now understand the significance of a two parent unit. I don’t mind being meek and allowing a man to be a man as long as he is someone that I can trust to lead. I also believe in balance and the beauty of two personalities complimenting one another.
In summary, I really appreciate the lessons that my aunts gave me on being a strong woman, but I also wish that they would have taught me how to love.
I am very happy with the quality that you find from this sites thought exchange. I hope there are many of us that feel the same way.
“What is a strong woman” is an excellent question. We’ve covered Ms. Independent in a recent article. I feel there is one distinction that must be made. Strong and independent are not always synonymous. Many of us were raised with very strong grandmothers, yet many of them were not independent and the dealt with and gained strength through the trials and tribulations of 6 children and 60 years of marriage. To hold up your end of the deal while your partner is incapable or unwilling and still say that we made it to old age together with head held high, is strength that is becoming more and more rare.
We tend to raise our children according to our particular path. We slant our lessons according to our experience. Hence, “you don’t need no man to support you, be your own woman, fuckem”. Or a woman who is totally submissive to her husband often looses some respect from her more progressive daughters.
I’ve struggled with this myself with both of my children. I find that the best approach is to tell them that they need goals that take precedence over any feelings of puppy love, desire to party or some strange need to procreate for the sake of a false expression of adulthood.
I attempt to teach my son to not get caught up with any “little girl” and blow off an opportunity to follow his dreams because he is thinking with the wrong head. I teach my daughter that no “little boy” is worth sacrificing her goals. “But daddy, I love him”. I know you really do dear, and that is a beautiful thing. If you truly love each other now, you will love each other, graduate college, start your career and in 10 years your love will see you through your wedding day and your first child birth. Plan your work, and work your plan.
Yet we must balance our lessons, teach the boy and the girl to cook, clean, cater and be sensitive to the needs of others. When one of my children is sick, I tell the other child to take care of the sick one to the level that they’d want to be cared for. If one is vomiting, the other should hold a cold compress to their neck and brow. These are very simple things that speak volumes and add tremendous value to the character of a person. I try to instill the reciprocity of respect, and to not tolerate those who can not reciprocate.
To love another and to love ourselves are not mutually exclusive. We should learn to love our selves first and then love those who are deserving of such love without sacrificing our established self-love. We can be independent and still share our space with another. Love is so much sweeter when it is served along with other qualities and affections.
Very well put!!!!
“Strong Black Woman”? Why do you assume Unique mother is a “Strong Black Woman”? Is it because she is outspoken and dictates the home functions in front of the television camera? I think a strong woman exudes the ability to persuade her mates decision without overstepping his “manhood” if you will. A woman should posses certain qualities and womanly features that are similar to the human neck, assuming the man is the head. Thus, in her own way make use of the ability to make that head turn which ever way she needs it to turn without getting out of pocket. I think the conversation Unique’s mother had with Ray J was out of line and should have been a man to man discussion (with her father). What do you want from my daughter? What do you mean, she voluntarily went on the show. What does your daughter want from Ray J should be the question. But I guess another angry black woman makes for good TV. In my opinion, she does not make for a “Strong Black Woman”, she just adds to the infinite stereotype of “Mad Black Woman” or that of black woman being disrespectful!
That is a very observant point. The biggest shock is that a black woman made the comment. (I asked Elisa her ethnicity prior to posting her comment) That comment could be taken different ways depending on who stated it. I could comment, but I hope someone else will comment on being a strong black woman vs. a mad black woman. But I will say that many mad black women are self proclaimed SBW… falsely.
Everyone’s definition of a Strong Woman vs. a Mad Woman will vary, but here is one distinction that I’ve observed:
A strong woman has found a way to love God & herself first, have faith, forgive, and to love others. Like SongbirdLA said on an entry above, a strong woman also sees the value of balance and compromise.
The women in my family who appear to be mad and or angry seem to have given up on their quest in finding a man. These women in my family still bring up incidents that happened more than 20 years ago. So maybe they are having a hard time getting over their past.
We all can learn something about ourselves in every relationship that we have, but I never hear the “mad” women in my family talking about what they’ve learned from their previous relationships or stating what they are going to do differently next time.
Believe me I’ve had my share of bad experiences and I’ve earned the right to be mad. However what good does being mad bring? How is being mad good for my health?
Instead, I prefer to learn from my experiences. I know that I am in control over the people that I choose to have a relationship with and I am also in control over what I allow others to do to me (for the most part).
I may be a black woman, but like most black women, I am just not that mad. I love God, myself, I have faith, I forgive, and I love others. I also see the value of balance and compromise.
God bless,
AKing
My cousin, Aking, asked me check this out. I enjoyed reading everyone’s comments and decided to leave a lil’ something as well. So I guess the question is, “what’s a strong woman?” Well, I have several women in my life who I consider to be strong. One of my friends came from a home where her parents were on drugs and she lived a life of poverty. She had to take care of herself and her siblings. The woman she is today…..OMG extraordinary would describe her best! She has her bachelors and is working on her Masters, has a great career, saves money, thinks wisely and on top of all that, she’s gorgeous (and young). She is truly amazing and truly a strong woman because instead of repeating the cycle, she learned from her childhood and made up her mind to never be like her parents. Another friend was on drugs herself, and was introduced to it by her husband (sound familar?) who also abused her physically. After ten long years, she left her husband, moved back to Cali, and gave up drugs (crack). I mean, just gave it up! I know how hard it is to give up an addiction as I have a brother who’s been on crack for years. So I asked her how she did it. She says her kids were more important. For that alone, she’s a strong woman. She left a man who controlled her, gave up drugs and never went back. There are so many things that make a strong woman, but these are just a couple of examples. I have become a strong woman because I have learned to be patient, to forgive even when it’s difficult as hell, to compromise instead of always having my way, and I love….for there is nothing greater. To God be the glory, for he has brought me from a looong way and made me the woman I am today.
It’s enlightening to be able to look back at something you wrote and or read in the past. Thanks again for creating a platform for this type of outlet.
Three years later, I’ve learned that I’m not such a Phenomenal Mother (at least my teenage daughter doesn’t think so). What was I thinking… lol I also didn’t have anything to do with my ‘Baby’s Daddy’ maturing and developing into the Man/Father God created him to be, this is something he had to learn and do on his own.
). Now as Mrs. Ballou, I have more time to focus on being a good Mother while Mr. Ballou is the primary support to our Family. I never comprehended the joy and contentment a Man receives from the act of providing for his family, until now. It’s beautiful.
In these past 3 years God has humbled me (to say the least), and now the tables have turned. I’m still the disciplinarian to our daughter and I still spend more Mother/Daughter time with her than he does Father/Daughter time, but rightfully so. I love the Woman-to-Future-Woman talks with my Baby Girl, & he’ll naturally spend more time with our son (when/if God blesses us with one
My Husband & I broke up for eight years prior to getting married. I would say a large part of why we’re together today (in addition to our agape and romantic love for one another) is because we both have matured over the years but also we’re hopeful and we both are looking forward to & working toward God’s promises for our lives.
To me, being Strong has nothing to do with being Outspoken. As everyone has sort of mentioned in the previous comments – It seems as though being Strong has less to do with Strength and more to do with Endurance. S/he is determined to do what’s right and this person never gives up hope…