Interracial dating – It’s not always black and white
Dear Jermaine, I read your site all the time. I’ve been struggling with something for a minute now and I’d like to get your advice. I am a junior in College and all my male and female friends all are giving me a hard time because I’ve been dating a white girl for the past 2 months. I am black and I feel that a person should be able to love who ever he wants. But the pressure and uncomfortable feeling is getting to be too much. I feel like I got to choose between them and her. What do you think I should do?
Signed, It’s not always black and white
Dear It’s not always black and white,
I understand your pain, but the most important thing in relationships is that they all have their unique benefits and cost. You are the only one who can judge what is right for you. Should you listen to your friends? Well, if you’ve chosen the right friends that value your happiness, then you should take their perspective into consideration. But the ultimate decision is yours. In all relationships we must ask, is the pain worth the reward of the benefits.
Let me give you my personal take on interracial dating. First and foremost, we must divide physical attraction (lust) from love. If you have not developed life-growth experiences with a person, then your love is premature. Secondly, we can’t control who we fall in love with, but we can control who we go out with prior to love being possible. It’s difficult when there is someone who is in your space all the time and subsequently feeling develop. Thirdly, you should have a well thought out plan and a philosophy to live by regarding what you want and will accept in a partner. You can always change your plan, so don’t feel locked in or close minded.
In my dating experience I’ve chosen to be open to dating any women with a good heart and a willingness to internalize my plan for the future, regardless of race. There is one exception to this rule, Caucasian women. The reason being is that, as a man my job in a relationship is to bring peace of mind, ideas, solutions and resources. In a marriage, my resources will be utilized by the entire family, in-laws and all. In exchange for my efforts all I ask for is respect. I may not gain the respect of 1 out of 4 family members regardless of race, but the mere thought of not gaining respect due to my race bothers me, especially from a race of “family member” in-laws that have historically demonstrated such animosity and distain for my people. It is important for me to consider the past and current race relations between the combined heritages.
I am proud of the fact that if I resolve a problem, or if I make $200,000 next year, those resources will be going to the betterment of not just me, but to my people. That is one less Black family that is not deprived of resources.
What color is happiness?
But now I’m starting to see more and more interracial couples between Black women and white males, and I think that is beautiful. I like to see love no matter where or how it happens. For people to get out of their own way and open up to new possibilities is a grand thing. I know that may sound contradictory, but I think of it as not letting what is right for me, be what I feel is right for the world. My values are unique to me and I respect peoples decisions rather they are aligned with mine or not. I hope your “true” friends can make that distinction as well and you can move forward with a woman and a smaller group of friends that you feel deserves you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB7tClTaQbg
On the surface of things one should date freely while young. As you get older, and more serious, a more concrete understanding of the characteristics you seek in a partner should develop and you should be able to define them. Your definition will not likely have any racial consideration or if you do it is not one of your primary considerations.
I can assure you mixed race couples are more accepted here in CA and NY…at least in the larger metro areas. When I lived just outside of New Orleans in my teen years black/white mixed couples were castigated verbally and there was a cloud of potential violence and social excommunication from the field of both races. (religious implication intended)
I note this because if you live in SoCal, for the most part you risk social issues but as you travel into less developed areas you will have more exposure to people with strong racial protectionism and I am a bit of a worry wart about the physical security of myself and my loved ones. If this relationship turns into a long term one be aware of hateful people.
Another note is that relationships are very difficult regardless of race differences.
People from very different backgrounds carry longer term implications. For example I dated two foreign nationals, at different times of course, one from China and one from Spain. One of the issues here, other than the base cultural differences, is that their families resented me…more than a usual concern for the man dating the daughter/sister. It was fairly clear that I was not going to be welcomed as an equal family member by either family.
Another concern was the desire to eventually have a family, when a child is born parents begin to enforce their values. This means that they may feel it is very important to raise the children in the same way or place they were raised. I certainly want my children to be raised with exposure to my heritage. It seems like a natural desire if you have a healthy self-esteem and love for your family.
Friends? If your friends are just jabbing you for fun then all is fair, perhaps you should ask them if they would prefer you dated their sister and ask for her phone number
If they don’t want you to date someone because they are not your race they aren’t likely concerned for your happiness. They need to know the terms of accepting a friendship with you involves accepting anyone you are developing a relationship with or backing away. No reason to be rude or mean, just let them know you command and demand respect.
Hopefully my bias doesn’t discourage these relationships. Date people you click with, quell social dummies, live your life in a way that you will be proud of when it is over.
Oh yeah, It seems that most people, including me, think that babies from mixed race couples are the most beautiful…but remember…they can still grow up to be as ugly as me.